CLEVELAND STORE HAS MASSIVE “GUN AND SINGLE BULLET” SALE

Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5.  With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.

*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**

**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***

***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him

See that in his teeth? It’s Cleveland’s soul.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy.  “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”

Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this.  “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed.  That’s what LeBron did to us.  Except he only attacked puppies.”*

*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.  

All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down.  Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die.  This city will be a ghost town.  And that’s something America cannot let happen.”

Sure.

The first picture I found of Cleveland

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SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney

PLAYERS UNION BEGS BARON DAVIS TO STOP HELPING

The NBA lockout is in full force with the first two weeks of games already canceled. With the player’s union against the ropes, union leader Derek Fisher issued a public call for Cavaliers guard Baron Davis to stop helping. “Baron is a great guy and fantastic… really good point guard,” said a desperate Fisher, “but we got this. Please you don’t need to come to negotiations anymore. It’s so crowded and… uh… don’t worry about it.”

Guess which one is Baron Davis....

Heat guard Dwyane Wade was more blunt: “last meeting he literally hooked up an Wii to the monitor and played Mario Galaxy for ten minutes before we made him stop.” “It has not been pretty to say the least,” added Fisher, “He made a three hour speech on why his Boomuniverse website should be the NBA’s official beer sponsor. His site has nothing to di with beer!” Davis is famous for joining teams, causes and rallies out of shape and with little desire to perform, only to become the player he should once it is obvious he will be shipped out of town. Last year during an AIDS walk, Davis gathered up 3,000 people to sponsor him, only to quit after the first half mile. He was carted off the track.

“Baron means well,” said Fisher. “But seriously, stop f***ing helping.”

– Mike Sweeney

WORSE FOR CLEVELAND: CAN’T BOO LEBRON

With the NBA lockout looming, Cleveland Cavaliers fans are dealt another blow to their collective sports psyche when they realize they will not be able to boo Lebron James this year. “When we lost Lebron, the only thing we had to live for was watching him fail,” a lifelong miserable Cleveland fan said (he wishes to remain anonymous). “It’s not like I’ve finished burning all my Lebron jersey’s yet. And all my ‘We are all Witnesses to your choking in the finals’ signs? What am I going to do with them now?”

Who are you tak away their pyromania and happiness?

The damage is further done to Cleveland’s local economy, as “Lebron Sucks” t-shirts have gone way down, and Lebron jersey sales have also dipped due to the fact that hipsters can no longer wear them ironically without an NBA season officially starting; the shirts brought in an estimated 29% of the city’s total income.

When asked about whether the terrible play and Lebron-like excuses by Browns running back Peyton Hillis, one fan pointed out that “yeah, but he needs to take us to the promised land and then crush our spirits and leave before we can really embrace hating him. Until then, we just have to live with it”. Peyton Hillis is rumored to have asked to be traded from the Browns, so there may be hope for the dreaded fans of Cleveland.

– Garron Chiu