Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5. With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.
*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**
**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***
***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him
“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy. “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”
Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this. “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed. That’s what LeBron did to us. Except he only attacked puppies.”*
*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.
All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down. Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die. This city will be a ghost town. And that’s something America cannot let happen.”