YANKS TO ADD “MORE BIG NAMES” THIS OFF-SEASON

The New York Yankees off season began early this year and their plan is loud and clear: MORE BIG NAMES. The pinstripes plan on making a “more than generous” offer to anyone they have heard of; you got a name, you’re getting a check.”We’re going to give every free agent $12 million and then we can begin negotiations,” said aggressive GM Brian Cashman. “We want everyone to know we’re going to aggressive on the free agent front. Especially with stars this year.”

Aaaaaand HIGH FIVE!

Former rival and possible free agent (he has a club option) David Ortiz woke up Tuesday morning with $40,000 in singles lying in his bed. “All I saw was a pinstriped note saying ‘hey'” cited Ortiz. “It was kinda creepy.”

The Bronx Bombers won’t stop there: Cliff Lee has reportedly told the Yankees every day for the past month that he is not eligible for free agency this year. “We. Don’t. Care,” said president Randy Levine. “Cliff Lee will be a Yankee next season [Levine immediately stared into our reporter’s eyes] whether he likes it or not.”

Pitching is the number one priority for next season, which is why the Yanks have already sent formal offers, $12 million in cash and birthday cake to the homes of Mark Buehrle, Bruce Chen, Edwin Jackson, Rich Harden, Brett Favre and David Beckham.

– Mike Sweeney

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CLIFF LEE UNVEILS ‘SUCK IT’ PITCH

"Dear batter, you may leave now if you like, your friend Cliff"

Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee is on a roll. The southpaw has been on a four year hot streak, but this past month he’s been good even for him thanks to his new ‘suck it’ pitch. The pitch, a combination of a cutter, curveball, change-up and harnessed “betterness,” has rendered NL hitters useless against him.

Many scouts believe the pitch is merely a slower version of the cutter; but Nationals first baseman Mike Morse swears he’s seen the ‘suck it:’ “It was amazing. It came at me, started moving into the zone and just as I was going to swing… it flipped me off and dove to the dirt.” Morse was visibly shaken describing the scene and assured many times over that “it literally flipped me off. It grew a hand and extended its middle finger in a mocking fashion.”

Lee claims he’s worked on the pitch since high school. “It’s always something I’ve had in my back pocket but didn’t want to use it until the time was right.”

Detractors cite the media’s love affair with Daisuke Matsuzaka’s ‘gyroball‘ which unfortunately turned out to be five years of nibbling at the corners.

– Mike Sweeney