BLOWN REPLAY CALL IN TOLEDO-SYRACUSE GAME IGNITES ‘MID-MAJOR SPRING*’

 

This took 12 hours in Photoshop

University of Toledo Marketing major Mark Bouazizi had just seen up become down.  Black morph into white.  He felt gravity pulling sideways. His world was cracking after his non-BCS conference Toledo Rockets lost a game in overtime last Saturday to a BCS conference Big East team, the Syracuse Orange.  The overtime never should have happened, since Syracuse was awarded an extra point their kicker clearly missed, even after an official review of the replay–by Big East officials.  The visiting senior walked out of Carrier Dome in a daze, and the home fans could only shake their heads and sympathize.  But that wasn’t enough.  Bouazizi headed to the parking lot and doused himself with gasoline.  He shouted “The MAC [Mid-American Conference] is great!” before setting himself alight.

"GO ROCKETS!"

Already accepted as one of the most mind-boggling officiating gaffes in the 150-year long history of college football, last Saturday’s blown PAT call in the game between Toledo and Syracuse added to deep-seated resentment of the ruling conferences by the marginalized Middle Major populace. In the wake of Bouazizi’s self-immolation, a wave of protests has broken out across the regions.  Protests started in Ohio and quickly spread, causing many BCS conference leaders to organize hasty reforms including more games played between the two tiers, and increased TV broadcast rights.  But many of the protesters won’t settle for anything less than dissolution of the current regime.  A large contingent of Rocket fans continue to camp out in the parking lot of the Carrier Dome, since renamed Martyr’s Square.

"Did you hear about this Syracuse-Toledo thing?" "Um... what are you here for?"

However, not all were receptive to the demands.  Human Rights Watch and activist groups claim SEC officials are carrying out brutal crackdowns on protesters.  Reports are impossible to confirm, as the SEC has not allowed non-regional journalists in its territory, but cell phone video allegedly from a protest in Gainesville, FL shows multiple UCF students being tazed by University of Florida police.  UF chancellor Bernie Machen dismissed the unrest as the work of “criminal gangs, backed by the West…Coast universities in the Pac-12.”

–Rony Josaphat

*Note: The reporter did ask a group of protestors why they referred to the uprisings as the “Mid-Major Spring” when it was, in fact, autumn.  The supporters immediately put their index fingers on their noses, and the slowest one to do so sighed before explaining to me what a metaphor was.

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LIFELONG FAN FINALLY ADMITS NOTRE DAME NOT THE SAME TEAM IT WAS IN 1949

Senior citizen Wally Smith, 78, admits Notre Dame is not what it used to be. After years of defending the Fighting Irish as the greatest team in “all the land,” Smitty, as he’s known to his friends, realized Notre Dame may have finally jumped the shark. “They just don’t look like they got it in them. From the 30’s all the way until 2010 I’d wager they were contenders every season. Not this year,” remarked the saddened senior. But, of course, like all the Fighting Faithful, he holds out hope: “it could just be a one year thing. They’re retooling for next year. I hear the freshmen class is full of defenders! It’ll be 1949 all over again!”

Smitty spent the next twenty minutes searching for his old record player to “celebrate the Dame!”

– Mike Sweeney

EXPERTS NOT SURE WHO DESERVES HEISMAN YET

Further proof modern sports analysts are all flash and no substance: it’s already 4 days after the first college football games and no one has any idea who will win this year’s Heisman Trophy. In today’s 24 hour sporting news cycle, analysts appear on radio shows, talk shows and ESPN game shows to discuss sports and yell at each other with their heavy accents; yet no one knows who will win the prestigious award?

Smile... Okay Smile... I'm going to take it in 3... 2.... come on guys smile....

“It has to go to Luck! Did you see him last week!” screamed Mel Kiper.

“Nick Foles has a weaker squad in harder games!” cried Todd McShay, tossing acid toward Kiper.

Fans are clamoring for answers and with so much evidence in last week’s games, we still have no answer. Way to let us down.

Editor’s Note: It has to be Oklahoma’s Landry Jones. He’s a weapon in the air and the ground!

– Mike Sweeney

MIAMI GIVEN HARSH WARNING AFTER SWEARING NOT TO DO IT AGAIN

NCAA officials decided the University of Miami’s fate today: a stern talking to followed by a harsh warning.

"The tunnel's on fire!!"

The U is under heavy scrutiny for a litany of NCAA violations over the years, first exposed by Nevin Shapiro. Shapiro, a former booster fallen on hard times, brought Miami down with him after former players refused to aid him financially. The University claims it had no prior knowledge to any NCAA rule violations by its current players.

The NCAA considered a full investigation, suspending multiple players, firing members of the athletic department, and even threatening scholarships. Miami, fearing punishment may permanently hurt their program, took drastic action: they apologized. School officials said “we are truly sorry for these violations. We regret the events of the past few years and will keep a closer eye on our students. Seriously, we feel, like, really really bad.”

After crossing their hearts and holding back tears. the NCAA committee decided a firm tongue-lashing ought to do the trick. The meeting ended with the NCAA reminding Miami they still love them and are just disappointed. Added the NCAA, “right now it’s easy to forget the good people involved with Miami football.”

– Mike Sweeney