MANNING-GATE: MANNING RETURNS PROMISE SWEATBAND BACK TO COLTS

After being released yesterday quarterback Peyton Manning returned his Promise Sweatband back to the Colts.  The band has the letters PM and IC on it, signifying that the quarterback and franchise would be together forever.  A promise now broken.

Which of these says "forever" to you?

“It was so hard,” said a crying Manning, “but you have to let go to move on.”

Colts officials were seen texting someone after manning left the facility.  When asked who it was, they all immediately said “someone I used to know.”

MANNING-GATE: TEXANS MAKE MATT SCHAUB LINEBACKER

Houston Texans quartback Matt Schaub admitted he is “willingly shifting to linebacker” and that he “always wanted to play that position” and “loves his family so much and just wants to see them and make sure they are okay.”

YEAHBUHWHAAAAAA?

Heavily armed team officials stood behind the sweaty quarterback, linebacker, letting him know it is “okay” and everything “will be fine as long we all cooperate.”

The Texans just announced this morning they are interested in signing free agent quarterback Peyton Manning since Schaub made “his stunning and definitely out of nowhere” decision.

MANNING-GATE: COLTS DRAFT ANDREW LUCK IN MIDDLE OF PEYTON’S FAREWELL SPEECH

The Indianapolis Colts officially drafted Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck in the middle of Peyton Manning’s farewell speech yesterday.  The Stanford QB is seen as a can’t miss prospect and potential franchise quarterback who can lead the team to multiple Super Bowls.

The scene was not without incident, however; unemployed, former SNL host Peyton Manning stood on the stage at the podium and had to forcibly removed.  He was violently detained for several hours to ensure the safety and health of Luck.

"I would just like to say BADURR and it's BADURR to BADURRRRRRR"

Owner Jim Irsay said he hopes to keep Luck in Indy “forever and ever!”

Manning’s glory days:

MANNING-GATE: MARLINS OFFER PEYTON MANNING 100 MILLION

He wears his hat like a ballplayer!

The newly rich Miami Marlins offered free agent quarterback Peyton Manning a 5 year, $100 million deal to come play for their baseball franchise.  Manning was released just released yesterday and cannot officially pick a destination until Tuesday at 4pm eastern.  “We think Peyton would make a great addition to our club,” said President Larry Beinfest.  “His ability to read the pocket, his rocket arm, plus we think he is fully healed and ready to join our club.”

This is yet another splash made by the Marlins after giving shortstop Jose Reyes 110 million (moving incumbent shortstop Hanley Ramirez to third, he was not pleased), closer Heath Bell 27 million and pitcher Mark Buehrle 58 million.  Most thought Manning would sign with the Dolphins, Cardinals, or any other football team, but the Marlins have been a wild card all off season.

The team is moving Hanley Ramirez to catcher.