CRICKET MATCH ENTERS RECORD-SETTING 4th CENTURY

Known for their ponderous length, cricket matches have been OH DEAR GOD JUST CALL IT A TIE ALREADY.

A cricket match between the Commonwealth of Australia and the Republic of India inaugurated its 300th anniversary today, making it the longest contest in the history of the sport by 34 seconds. The milestone was marked at 9:00 GMT by continuing the silence that has been characteristic of the game since the last surviving player died in 1762.

Deadlocked since that year at 376,897,098,983, 765,865,176,708 to┬áDeadlocked since that year, neither side has expressed desire to concede the match. In fact, when asked whether his team’s odds of winning had dwindled due to the demise of its players, the Mayor of Australia quipped, “You think we’re just going to forfeit because all of our players died a long time ago? Let me tell you something, if these brave Australian cricketers had adopted that kind of give-up attitude at the start, they’d all have died a long time — Oh. I see what you mean.”

Posed the same question, the President of India responded, “We’re confident we’ll come out on top. Indians are known for their strong constitutions, and as soon as this little irrevocable death bug passes, the whole team will be raring to go.”

The cricket pitch, circa 1900.

High-ranking officials aren’t the only ones buzzing about this landmark event; anthropologists are getting in on the fun as well. Several were out on the pitch today, including Carl Sweetney: “Look at how funny they did things back then! They spell ‘Australia’ with YE on the scoreboard. A-U-S-T-R-A-L-Y-E. Australye! Classic!”

Evidently, this tricentennial has reignited Australia and India’s respective interests in cricket, interests the Mayor of Australia does not want to see wane: “Don’t make us go back to rugby. It hurts. It hurts so bad.”

"Please sir, I don't have any more teeth to give!"

CRICKITCH CONTROVERSY

The English national cricket squad is protesting an upcoming exhibition match with the American quidditch team. The English claim cricket and quidditch are two different sports much to the objection of the Americans who insist it is a communication error. “Something must be lost in translation,” says Malcolm Andrews, assistant coach of the quidditch team. “It’s like soccer. Over there they call it football and bathrooms are loos. Or something stupid like that.” Conversely, Bart Clough, captain of the cricketers: “stubborn as always, those Americans. We are not flying on broomsticks trying to catch a snitch. We are professional bloody athletes!”

Trying not to let this distract them, the players on both teams continued to practice their fielding, hitting, flying and magical spells.

– Mike Sweeney