ROMO CELEBRATES WIN; WEDGIES NERDS

Cowboys QB Tony Romo celebrated hardcore after last night’s game: he and tight end Jason Witten wedgied 12 nerds in a single night. Following a come-from-behind 18-16 win against their division rivals the Washington Redskins, Romo immediately through on a backwards cap, grabbed a cricket bat and screamed in a ost game interview “I wanna live tonight!”

A light hits the gloom on the gray / I've been kissed by a rose on the gray / I've been kissed by a rose

Derek Chechowitz, a local nerd, nervously watched the Cowboys win. During their fourth quarter comeback, Chechowitz immediately sprinted toward his friend Andy’s house, a safe haven for he and his fellow D&Ders. Unfortunately, he led Romo right to them. The QB entered wearing a long, black cloak seeking shelter, only to betray the nerds after they’d lock themselves inside with him.

Romo and Witten ended the night lying on the 50 yard line of a local high school field listening to Seal. Both woke up in a spooning position next to each other not sure what happened, but having no regrets. Our source cannot confirm who was big or little spoon although speculation leads to Romo being the power bottom.

– Mike Sweeney

RYAN TWINS FIGHT; FEAR CLONING

Talk about family feud. During a pre-season matchup between the New York Jets and Dallas Cowboys, Jets head coach Rex Ryan assaulted Cowboys defensive coordinator and brother Rob Ryan fearing he was a clone. Rex claims he saw Rob coming and “knew in my bones he was a d***bag clone!” Rex threw a water bottle at Rob and the two continued to roll around the floor urging reporters to “shoot the other one! He’s the fake!”

Can They Both Be The Evil Twin?

The situation was resolved once both participated in the mirror test and were able to independently control their actions. This has been the first such cloning argument since the completion of the lockout.

– Mike Sweeney