PUPPY BOWL CONTROVERSY

The 2012 Puppy Bowl might forever be remembered for the late game heroics by Mr. Scuffers and yet another heartbreaking playoff failure by Dunston (is he a Hall of Famer or not!?) but controversy will not be far behind.

He's sad because his post-playing career benefits cannot cover all his medical bills. And because you don't wuv him.

The Puppy Bowl could face a lockout going into next season as the Players’ Association demands better treatment from the owners.  Many former players are bankrupt within 10 dog years of retiring, concussions have increased severely throughout the past two seasons with doctors seemingly forcing the puppies to play and the divorce rate among puppies is gets exponentially higher post-playing career (which last between 1-3 games as is!).

Once again the owners have it wrong: there can be no puppy bowl without cute, adorable puppies.  Just because they have opened academies in Latin America and Japan does not mean the same kind of talent is there for cheaper. Numerous puppies from the Dominican are changing their names and ages in order to seem more attractive in the draft.

But the owners do not see it that way: they see the players as borderline worthless commodities they can uselessly trade and neuter their market value (and their testicles).

The dark side of being in The Show

Finally the players are ready to take an adorable stand.  No more Mr. Nice Mr. Freckles, time for Mr. I Just Woke Up And Am Annoyed But Still Nice Mr. Freckles.

But seriously, they take their nuts we have to do something about this, Roger Goodell and David Stern are getting ideas.

NBA AMNESTIES CHARLOTTE BOBCATS FROM LEAGUE

BREAKING:  The NBA used its amnesty clause on the Charlotte Bobcats early this morning in a shocking move.  The amnesty clause states the league can drop one team while paying its salary without having that payment b counted under the new salary cap.  While shocked by the timing, many analysts see this as a wise move.

"We could all be Juwanna Mann's if we believe it"

The Bobcats can sign with Turkey or, pending a good showing at training camp, the WNBA.  The Bobcats were definitely on thin ice this season and looked like an amnesty possibility, however, more expensive, useless franchises such as the Phoenix Suns and Toronto Raptors seemed like more logical candidates for release; however the league saw rebound potential in those  franchises.

Not the Bobcats.

“They were definitely a franchise that brought little value to our roster as we understood it,” said commissioner David Stern.  “We would like to thank the Bobcats for their service and wish them the best of luck.”   Other analysts were not as forgiving: “the Bobcats had to go.  They were a complete waste of roster space!”  “They are draining the entire league with their play.”  “Everything about them is horrible, with their fat gut, inability to hustle if team is sinking, slow, ineffective defense and that beard… I’m sorry you said Baron Davis correct?”

UPDATE: The Bobcats have signed with China.

LOCKOUT: KEEP SHAQ OFF TV

OMG is she eating a chili dog yum yum yay!

The 50-50 revenue split is still up in the air, but This Is The Sports has learned of another lockout hold up: both sides are stretching the lockout to keep retired, future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal off of television. The Shaqtus signed a TV contract with TNT to be apart of the same crew as Kenny Smith and Charles Barkely; the players are saying “no thanks.” The owners, however, are not happy with the current model of Smith and Barkely coverage. Supporters claim the owners want to even the commentary, while detractors say NBA commissioner David Stern is merely trying to put his stamp on the pre and post game stupidity.

Barkely, the king of the current booth, is absolutely upset at The Diesel’s arrival. His rant on the subject was inaudible, unfortunately. The Big Shamrock responded to Barkely’s comments… also inaudible. But the mumbling was disgruntled…. or sarcastically disgruntled. I think.

Both were used as examples why Barkely and Shaqovic cannot be apart of the pre and post game discussions. However, both Charles and The Big Aristotle broke into a 12 minute discussion of the McRib sandwich which was absolutely hysterical.

The lockout continues to twist and turn.

Now imagine if Shaq Fu was sitting next to Kenny. Shutter….

– Mike Sweeney

STERN CANCELS FIRST HOUR OF LOCKOUT TALKS

"This cannot stand #occupycondiments"

David Stern canceled the first hour of tomorrow’s lockout talks to put pressure on the player’s union. Tomorrow’s noon meeting is expected to be long and grueling, so Stern upped the ante by canceling the first hour which is usually a time for snacks and exchanged pleasantries, the first hour of the meeting will really let the tension begins early, possibly throwing the players off their game.

“You never appreciate the seriousness of a situation until the scones are completely off the table,” said a disgruntled Heat guard Dwyane Wade. “Now we know sparks are going to fly. First week of games? Fine. Christmas games. Okay. No fruit spread? Bring it the f*** on.”

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was fully behind the elimination of food and drink altogether; numerous objections were raised as the players said they would not even attend without complementary waters. Lockout keeps getting uglier.

Ed Note: forgot how risky google-ing Fruit Spread can be

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: ARBITERS BEG PLAYERS AND OWNERS TO GIVE IT ONE LAST CHANCE FOR THE KIDS

During yet another controversial meeting between the NBA owners and players union, three arbiters made a dramatic plea for the two sides to stick together for the kids. The owners and players seem further apart than ever, and the arbiters feel the relationship falling apart altogether. “Clearly things have hit a breaking point,” said union rep and Lakers point guard Derek Fisher. “How can we still be together, let alone in the same stadiums as these people? Do you know how betrayed we feel?” The owners also adamantly refuse to apologize. “Apologize? Us? Know what it’s been like dealing with them for years?!” The children, Kyle, Jackson and Leslie, 11, 8 and 4, respectively, were in ear shot of the owners who immediately grabbed their mouths. “We didn’t mean that guys.” Jackson ran out of the room while Kyle blamed himself.

Only David Stern could make a baby make this face

The arbiters showed the two sides photos from their inception over 50 years ago, their young trysts with the ABA as young adults, the highs of the 80’s and Jordan era, and even the rough times from the ’99 lockout. “It was certainly emotional,” said arbiter Ray Cole. “But we aired it all: the good and the bad. Hopefully they’ll remember there are three little guys at home who need them.” The children have been quite the afterthought in this whole process. Kyle speaks mostly for the children, who have long sought higher salaries as well as increased competitive balance. All three are young and confused and not sure whom to side with.

So young, so full of love.... and short shorts

The players union firmly stick with their stance the children should stay with the NHL for a while. “NFL just got through some things, so no need to mess with them. The NHL is having a few difficulties and could use a distraction.” When asked if MLB was an option: “Those guys? Think their too good for everyone. We know what happened in ’94 even if they pretend it didn’t!” The owners think sending the kids to the NHL is a bad idea and cancelled another week of games as a  result.

– Mike Sweeney

BLOGGERS HOPE NBA LOCKOUT ENDS; CAN’T STAND FAMILIES

STFU NOOBS! The internet has gone haywire.

Following the cancellation of the first two weeks of the NBA season, NBA bloggers are going off the deep end. The bloggers, mostly middle aged men looking for a non-sexual, drug related escape from their horrifically mundane family lives, are struggling to get their precious NBA back. “We dedicate hours every day watching the games, then staying up late to blog on it ordo it the next morning when we should be at work,” said Hornets blogger CP3-PO. “How am I supposed to look my kid in the eye? Seriously. I never have.”

Others enjoyed the family time this recent off season gave them. “We only had the occasional ‘lockout’ update so it has been a slow few months,” said Kings blogger Techsheed Wallfoul. “My wife just had twins in September but… come on enough’s enough.” “Have you seen the s*** my kid watches on TV? It’s horrible!” cries Knicks blogger MeloMare. “I want my TV! I will punch him in the face if I have to watch more Blues Clues!”

The spouses are just as concerned: “many male and female bloggers learn to split their internet and normal lives,” said Julie Burkitz, a local psychologist. “But the more this lockout goes on the more I hear about angry couples screaming memes at each other and the other does not know why. Damn you David Stern. Are you proud of yourself?”

Many bloggers are forming an OCCUPY STERN STREET movement to stand outside NBA office sin Manhattan. However, most bloggers needed a ride to the event and there was “no chance in hell” they’d ask their wives.

– Mike Sweeney

NBA OWNERS’ LABOR PROPOSAL: PLAYERS WILL TAKE STATISTICAL HIT FOR ARRESTS, ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN

As more and more of the NBA season comes under threat from the stalled collective-bargaining agreement between the owners and the players’ association, details of a proposal from the owners leaked over the weekend.  Among the standard boilerplate over revenues and salary cap issues is couched a controversial revision to David Stern’s Code of Player Conduct.  A proposed “Article 42” of the conduct policy, referred to as the Upright Citizen Performance Clause, would effectively take away from a player’s on-court statistics for off-court violations.

Basketball as a warm-up for serial impregnation.

If the rules were applied retroactively, Chamberlain would owe the NBA a triple-double.

A copy of the proposal obtained by This Is the Sports outlines “statistical fines” for various infractions, beginning with violations of the already established dress code and social-media rules, and including punishment for citations, arrests, and unplanned illegitimate children.  The policy would be implemented in stages.  It would begin by only deducting from the assist column of a player’s stats; over the next five years, the system would expand to deduct blocks, rebounds, and finally, points.  This year, one assist would be deducted for every 3 violations of league policy, and every sole non-arrest citation.  Multiple assists would come off the board for each arrest; the exact number would vary according to the severity of the charge.  Spawn of unmarried unions would force an automatic ten-stat-point deduction, pending review of what the player’s intentions are toward his baby-mama and child.

The deductions would not count towards actual game outcomes, in order to keep players from, for example, being framed for murder by a criminal organization with sports-betting interests.  They would only affect historically recorded stats.  The proposal, however, does not make mention of waiting for actual legal judgment before administering penalties.  This angered a players’ union representative, who, upon review of the draft proposal, compared it to living in an Orwellian dystopia, or playing in the NFL.

In response to a This is the Sports inquiry, an insider at the attorney general’s office for an NBA-affiliated western state confirmed that the office had been approached by Stern and the owners, and was planning to freely share crime statistics involving NBA players with the league office.  The source said that the owners claimed to have 37 other states on board when her state office was approached.  Community groups have also weighed in– the NAACP called the draft proposal a “165-year step backward.” A Southern California pro-life group expressed concern that abortions would “definitely double, potentially triple.”

Obama holding the owners' proposal.

"Get this bull -ish out my face fo' I bring tha block up in chea."

– Rony Josaphat