PEYTON MANNING MEDICALLY CLEARED FOR BEST BUY ADS

Peyton Manning has been medically cleared to perform in Best Buy commercials in 2012.

Manning has had numerous surgeries the past 12 months including as recently as September.  The hall of fame spokesman and SNL host’s commercial career has been jeopardized by the surgery as he missed the entire Fall 2012 audition season; Best Buy president showed concern over Manning’s ability to continue.  “Sure he’s healthy, but we won’t know if he can perform until we start rolling.”

Many speculated Manning would be released from his contract in favor of a much younger, developing sales person, such as Jonah Hill, fresh off an Oscar nod.  We won’t truly know how healthy Manning is until he looks us in the eye, smiles and convinces us Best Buy is the place for tablet computers.

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MANNING-GATE: BRONCOS CLAIM THEY “NEVER LIKED TEBOW”

The Denver Broncos are trying to lure in free agent quarterback Peyton Manning despite having QB sensation Tim Tebow.  “Tebow? Seriously, come on. We never really liked him,” said team Preisdent John Elway.  Added Head Coach John Fox: “I never wanted to play Tebow in the first place.  They made me.  They like Tebow.  I like Peyton. Even before he was a free agent I said we should sign him.”

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll..."

The Broncos made it to the AFC Divisional round and lost to the Devil-worshipping Patriots 45-10 behind Tebow’s unconventional throwing motion and accuracy problems.  Team officials and fans all swore behind the Tebow’s “leadership skills and magic” that made them so great.  “I don’t ever want another quarterback!” said John Fox in November.

“I don’t remember that, you misquoted me… never happened but you misquoted me,” said John Fox this morning.

Manning said he will consider all offers before signing.  The Broncos say they are prepared to cut Tebow or worse.

TEBOW CANNOT UNDERSTAND LOSS

So why was Tebow the role model again?In an odd scene outside the Denver Broncos practice facility, Denver quarterback Tim Tebow met with the press upbeat and ready for his upcoming playoff game against the New England Patriots.  “You dream about these games all your life and when you get the chance to play in them, you just want to go out there and give it your all,” said a smiling Tebow.  When asked about the Broncos 45-10 loss against New England this past weekend, Tebow appeared to be confused, “Coach Fox said that was just a scrimmage.  And good thing it was; I played pretty awful in it.  We’ll shake it off and get ready to make some adjustments for when we get them again this weekend.”

“Honestly, management felt it was best if Tim didn’t know that we got knocked out of the playoffs,” said Denver Head Coach, John Fox, “We were afraid that if he lost, there could be a chance of him denouncing his religion, getting into meth and crack, and being found somewhere dead, with hookers, or with dead hookers.  The NFL has a great star in Tim Tebow; we didn’t want to be the reason for his supernova.”

Tom Brady is a great QB, but I feel like that I’m just as good on the football field,” continued Tebow when asked about the Patriots, “I mean, when you watch Sportscenter, they show highlights of me all the time.  That has to tell you something about my football playing ability.”  Broncos owner and former player John Elway will be giving the annual state of franchise speech this Wednesday.  When asked about the Tebow playoff contingency plan, Elway was vague in his answer.  “Right now, we’re going to try and keep Tim in the film room preparing for this weekend.  We have some ideas for how to approach the situation: telling him that Jesus won the Superbowl, telling him that the Superbowl was cancelled and every NFL team will do community service, using a neuralyzer and creating a new memory for him.  Whatever we do, it’s in the best interest of the league to make sure he doesn’t find out that he sucks.”

625,790 PEOPLE SWEAR THEY’LL MURDER SKIP BAYLESS IN 2012

Hundreds of thousands of Americans claim their New Year’s Resolution is to find and murder ESPN commentator Skip Bayless.  These people are forced to listen to Bayless’ controversial opinions, rants and tweets.  Bayless consistently accuses LeBron James of being overrated, Tim Tebow is the second coming and wrote Troy Aikman was gay.  Apparently, 625,790 people have had enough.

This breaks the previous record of resolution-homicide held by Osama Bin Ladin, Bernie Madoff and that waitress who you could’ve sworn was flirting with you but turns out she has a boyfriend, some guy named Eric who’s in law school on scholarship, probably cheating on her all the time because he just looks like the kinda guy who’d do that…

We hope all the people reach this year’s resolution.  Or at least one of you does.

Charles Barkely is already looking like the front runner.

GOD ANNOUNCES REX GROSSMAN IS THE SAVIOR

To be fair, God has not seen this yet....

Hashtag AWKWARD!

Early this morning God, omnipotent, everlasting ruler of all that is known and unknown, praise be to him, declared Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is not the second coming; Rex Grossman is.  After another remarkable Denver comeback in the fourth quarter fans were forced to assume Tebow’s success and devout faith must be proof that God chose him to be a successful QB.  Because there is no other rational explanation.  None.

God came down from on high to nip those rumors in the bud, declaring that “his son, messenger and favorite quarterback is none other than the Sex Cannon himself: Sexy Rexy, Rex Grossman.” Fans were stunned.  Grossman, the Washington Redskins QB known for his pathetic attempts at impersonating Brett Favre’s dumbest throws, was not surprised.  “It’s only further proof that I got to keep playing my game,” said the calm quarterback.  Needless to say, every Redskins fan has given up on God, faith and logic.  “If God chose Rex Grossman than up is down and socks are hand grenades!” screamed Father Seamus Doherty as he spray painted a police car.

F******K YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!

Tebow was unable to reached for comment but our sources say he is inconsolable.  “He definitely thought he was God’s QB of choice,” said a source wishing to remain anonymous.  “I think deep down he knows something is making them win.  But now it must be some sort of Eastern mysticism or black, Satan magic.”  When asked if he thought the winning streak had anything to do with Denver’s recent opponents having terrible quarterback play of their own and an incredible defense of late, the source’s brain exploded splattering only “TEBOW IS A WINNER” in blood and brains on the floor.

God allowed one question before his return to the heavens.  A frail, elderly woman asked the Lord what the meaning of the universe was.  He responded: “Ask the gays!  They’ll tell ya!”

The crowd stared in silence as God adjusted his collar saying “tough crowd.”  He then hopped on his silver surf board and flew off to another world as steward for Galactus.

Ride the wave God! RIDE IT!

JESUS CHRIST REPLACED AS COORDINATOR; TEBOW UPSET

 

Jesus. As a greaser. And English.

Broncos offensive coordinator Jesus Christ has been replaced. Following an 18-15 win against the Miami Dolphins and first start of the season for quarterback Tim Tebow, John Fox fired his play caller. “We got away with a win Sunday,” said Fox. “But I felt this was the right move.” Christ, better known as a defensive whiz, was a favorite of Tebow’s to call miracle based plays, such as the wobbly 15 yarder and the improbable scoring drive. Christ has been criticized this year for not maximizing Kyle Orton’s strengths; some even say it was a plot to get Tebow under center.

“I’ve long been a fan of his style of play,” said Tebow. “The short runs and spread offense is definitely something I worship in a coordinator and lord and savior.”

Christ, recently seen as a head coaching favorite, does not think this firing will end his football career. “Most likely I’ll look for some college openings. Lets be honest, Notre Dame will probably fire this guy at the end of the year and they’d love to have me.”

– Mike Sweeney

TEBOW DEDICATES GAME TO… YOU GUESSED IT…. JESUS

After a gutsy fourth quarter comeback for his first win as an NFL starter, Tim Tebow dedicated the game to… guess?…. Jesus. Tebow took to the postgame mic following the Broncos 18-15 over the Dolphins saying, “I couldn’t do this without my team, my coaches and, of course…” GROANS from throughout the room ensued. Tebow politely waited for the reporters to stop rolling their eyes before adding: “Jesus.” AWWW!! Everyone yelled. The quarterback shrugged and looked sheepish as he was riddled with “We get it!” “We know! We all f***ing know!” “Say a curse word. No! Just say a bad word! LET ME DESTROY YOU TEBOW!!” A panicked Tebow did what he does best, scrambled for a quick second before tucking in the ball and storming the reporters up the middle for a gain of 5 yards.

After the play Tebow made the sign of the cross and pointed to the skies.

Oooooh, nudy Jesus pic under the helmet, ten lashes before bed tonight

– Mike Sweeney