DONALD STERLING PROVES YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL

High in the Staples Center is a corner box drenched in shadow; so dark even the most diehard fans do not know it exists.  The black hole of the stadium.

Far below the LA Clippers play.  Chris Paul drives the lane before dumping off an alley-oop pass to Blake Griffin.

The crowd cheers.  From the dark black hole someone laughs…

Sterling's Christmas photo. Quite conservative this year.

THE MAN

Donald Sterling is proving this season that you can have it all.  Once seen as the kooky old nut of LA’s number two basketball team, Sterling has turned his demonic frown all the way into a despondent scowl.

As recently as a year ago Sterling was seen by many fans as an owner who did not care; an owner who’s willing to sit on his laurels; an owner willing to let the team suffer so long as he profited; an owner who’s racism was between excessive and borderline illogical; an owner / real estate mogul who refused to rent houses to Hispanics because they “smoke, drink and just hang around the building;” an owner who was sued by the US Department of Justice in 2009; an owner who refused to pay for Kim Hughes’ cancer treatment.

But Satanic spirits close to Sterling say that is “all part of his charm.”

While conjuring up a combination of AIDS and cancer, three blind old witches of fate swore their weekly meeting with Sterling was filled with humor.  “He always puts a smile to our faces,” cracks Two, the second child of The Vaunted Triplets of Fate.  “He always comes with a snack to sacrifice.  When he meets us, it is not for fun, it’s because he wants to.  It’s about the ‘human’ connection.”

3 was actually his prom date #awkward

SEASON IN JEOPARDY

From the get go the 2011-2012 season looked like a long shot; not if Sterling had anything to say about it.  During the tense lockout negotiations, Sterling ordered numerous kitten to be strangled as a sacrifice to RANCLAR, God of Death and Shadow.  Sterling’s outrageous acts even stunned Metta World Peace, nee Ron Artest.  “I wouldn’t want to be left alone in a room with that man,” said Ron Ron.  Yes.  Ron Artest is intimidated by Donald Sterling.

The sacrifices finally paid off and 2011 basketball happened just in time: Sterling was willing to move from kittens to small infants.  “I have no doubt in my mind if we didn’t sign a deal Donald Sterling would’ve stabbed a baby in front of us,” said player’s rep Derek Fisher, covered in sweat.  That is the type of negotiating skill that kept both parties at the table.  In fact, even controversial Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert admitted “neither side dared to leave that room if Sterling was in there with a baby and any sot of blunt object.  Even a stack of papers. We’re NBA owners, sure we’re monsters. But not baby millers. That’s… something else.”

“That’s how much that man loves ball,” says longtime assistant Wormtail. “He will kill kids.  How many?  Irrelevant question.”

Longtime assistant Wormtail beat out 665 applicants for the job

Now the Clippers sit at 11-6 and are considered LA’s premier team.  Sterling has finally turned his laughingstock into the toast of the town: could not have happened to more a maniacal despot.

PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE

Staring into the dark abyss that is Sterling’s cavernous hole gives the semblance that he has not had “fun” in quite some time.

Sure he hasn’t.

Sterling’s been even more prevalent in the community this year from buying out an entire’s store’s worth of lottery tickets so others cannot have any to drawing pictures of average citizens with Glasgow smiles on their faces, everyone knows Sterling loves to laugh.

Sterling's breakfast

Oh how he loves to maniacally laugh.

“Sometimes we’ll be exiting the stadium and he’ll just cackle,” said a chuckling Wormtail. “It’s almost like he knew something just happened to someone.  I don’t know, but he has his weird sixth sense about… things… happening to other people.”  Wormtail added Sterling will randomly rub his fingers together saying “yes…yes…” when not even prompted.  Something even Wormtail admits is “claustrophobia-inspiring.”

SMOOTH SAILING HERE ON OUT

2012 might be the end of the world, but it’s all good for Sterling.  He relaxes on his yacht, Goebels II (Goebels I having the attack guns repaired) and drinks it all in.

“I’ve come very far,” wrote Sterling, his voice unfit fo the human ear to process.  “So I think I’ll just bask in the moon light a little bit more.  The sun is rather harsh, but it will pay one day… one day…” and even wrote that he was maniacally laughing and rubbing his fingers together prompting members of This Is The Sports to wonder why the room was so small.

Sometimes it takes ruthless villainly for a born bastard to be able to sit back, relax and watch people die of horrific diseases he helped invent in a secret lab run by the Ghost of Hitler.  And Donald Sterling is just the man for the job.  Smiling the entire time.

Google "Donald Sterling Smiling" and this is the only one of those jpegs that the average human can process

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LOCKOUT: GARNETT, WORLD PEACE LEFT ALONE IN ROOM WITH OWNERS

LET'S NEGOTIATE!!!

Desperate times. Desperate measures.

The NBA Players Union pulled a fast one by sending only Boston Celtics center Kevin Garnett and Los Angeles Lakers forward Metta World Peace into the lockout meeting today with the owners. Derek Fisher et all arrived normally at the meeting, allowing the owners to enter first. Right as every last one fit inside, Fisher shut the door. Newly installed automatic locks sealed the doors and windows. The tra was sprung.

As the owners stared around in confusion, smoke flooded through the vents. Once the the mist vanished, only Garnett and World Peace stood in the room with the owners demanding to “settle this like men.” World Peace added: “yeah, or lions from the future.” Even Garnett gave Metta a glance after that one.

Rumblings and flailing was heard outside the room, but talking had ended and not much else could be decifered. Fisher, hearing the screams of the owners he once feuded with, stared a thousand yard stare out the windows muttering “what have I done?”

"Agreed, contraction is not the answer, but the fact remains our current revenue dividing system cannot survive a long term... I'm sorry the what on my head? Oh a baseball. I'm wearing a baseball.

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: ARBITERS BEG PLAYERS AND OWNERS TO GIVE IT ONE LAST CHANCE FOR THE KIDS

During yet another controversial meeting between the NBA owners and players union, three arbiters made a dramatic plea for the two sides to stick together for the kids. The owners and players seem further apart than ever, and the arbiters feel the relationship falling apart altogether. “Clearly things have hit a breaking point,” said union rep and Lakers point guard Derek Fisher. “How can we still be together, let alone in the same stadiums as these people? Do you know how betrayed we feel?” The owners also adamantly refuse to apologize. “Apologize? Us? Know what it’s been like dealing with them for years?!” The children, Kyle, Jackson and Leslie, 11, 8 and 4, respectively, were in ear shot of the owners who immediately grabbed their mouths. “We didn’t mean that guys.” Jackson ran out of the room while Kyle blamed himself.

Only David Stern could make a baby make this face

The arbiters showed the two sides photos from their inception over 50 years ago, their young trysts with the ABA as young adults, the highs of the 80’s and Jordan era, and even the rough times from the ’99 lockout. “It was certainly emotional,” said arbiter Ray Cole. “But we aired it all: the good and the bad. Hopefully they’ll remember there are three little guys at home who need them.” The children have been quite the afterthought in this whole process. Kyle speaks mostly for the children, who have long sought higher salaries as well as increased competitive balance. All three are young and confused and not sure whom to side with.

So young, so full of love.... and short shorts

The players union firmly stick with their stance the children should stay with the NHL for a while. “NFL just got through some things, so no need to mess with them. The NHL is having a few difficulties and could use a distraction.” When asked if MLB was an option: “Those guys? Think their too good for everyone. We know what happened in ’94 even if they pretend it didn’t!” The owners think sending the kids to the NHL is a bad idea and cancelled another week of games as a  result.

– Mike Sweeney

PLAYERS UNION BEGS BARON DAVIS TO STOP HELPING

The NBA lockout is in full force with the first two weeks of games already canceled. With the player’s union against the ropes, union leader Derek Fisher issued a public call for Cavaliers guard Baron Davis to stop helping. “Baron is a great guy and fantastic… really good point guard,” said a desperate Fisher, “but we got this. Please you don’t need to come to negotiations anymore. It’s so crowded and… uh… don’t worry about it.”

Guess which one is Baron Davis....

Heat guard Dwyane Wade was more blunt: “last meeting he literally hooked up an Wii to the monitor and played Mario Galaxy for ten minutes before we made him stop.” “It has not been pretty to say the least,” added Fisher, “He made a three hour speech on why his Boomuniverse website should be the NBA’s official beer sponsor. His site has nothing to di with beer!” Davis is famous for joining teams, causes and rallies out of shape and with little desire to perform, only to become the player he should once it is obvious he will be shipped out of town. Last year during an AIDS walk, Davis gathered up 3,000 people to sponsor him, only to quit after the first half mile. He was carted off the track.

“Baron means well,” said Fisher. “But seriously, stop f***ing helping.”

– Mike Sweeney