LEBRON’S A GOOD PERSON NOW!

NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person.  It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.

Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”

While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character.  Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away.  Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**

*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.

**This also works for boxing movie cliche.  

I AM SO HAPPY I’LL EAT THIS MIC I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should.  I am glad he did.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring.  I probably should as a team consultant or something.  This happened because of me.  I am important.

Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.

In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable.  Maybe he has no heart?  Flawed character?  Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.

CLEVELAND STORE HAS MASSIVE “GUN AND SINGLE BULLET” SALE

Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5.  With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.

*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**

**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***

***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him

See that in his teeth? It’s Cleveland’s soul.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy.  “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”

Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this.  “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed.  That’s what LeBron did to us.  Except he only attacked puppies.”*

*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.  

All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down.  Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die.  This city will be a ghost town.  And that’s something America cannot let happen.”

Sure.

The first picture I found of Cleveland

NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  “These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  “The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  “We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ‘Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ‘Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

  • Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
  • Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
  • LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
  • What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.
Gogglometers view: Avalanche center Ryan O'Reilly driving up center ice: his emotion is "quixotic"

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!

GAME RECAP: LEBRON SAVES BABY BUT CAN’T FINISH WHEN IT COUNTS

Miami Heat superstar LeBron James brilliantly saved a baby today before losing it in the 4th.  The Heat star just cannot finish the game.

On a routine Friday morning jog, King James noticed a burning building.  Proving he is not that different than you or I, King James approached the fire because “it’s cool.”  However, firefighters and emergency response were unable to retrieve a baby caught on the 8th floor.  James sprung into action.

MINTY FRESH!!!

Adjusting his $4,000 sneakers and $6,000 shorts, James threw powder into the air and stormed the blaze.  Traditionally, LeBron takes his time in the opening minutes to learn his opponent, no exception here: LeBron played conservatively through the first floor opting for the stairs over the hotshot-elevator route.

In the next few floors / minutes James was in rare form: jumping over burning blocks, staying low on defense and avoiding smoke, he moved toward the child with the freakish athleticism he is known for.  The superstar then went to the roof and climbed down the fire ladder to safety.

Just before handing the baby off to its mother, James dropped the child.  Classic LeBron.

James handed off the child one handed, in some late game showmanship, only it backfired.  The child was especially wiggly and rolled out of his palm, face planting onto the concrete.  LeBron, stunned, posed for a few seconds with his hands at his sides before walking off the court disgusted with himself.  Most of the onlookers agreed, if he’d passed to Dwyane Wade, James wouldn’t have had to take the final shot.

Chris Bosh watched the event and laughed before onlookers asked who he was.  Despite assertions that he is an NBA superstar, no one confirmed it.

Wait... we're up by 50? Why did I still lose? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!

STERN CANCELS FIRST HOUR OF LOCKOUT TALKS

"This cannot stand #occupycondiments"

David Stern canceled the first hour of tomorrow’s lockout talks to put pressure on the player’s union. Tomorrow’s noon meeting is expected to be long and grueling, so Stern upped the ante by canceling the first hour which is usually a time for snacks and exchanged pleasantries, the first hour of the meeting will really let the tension begins early, possibly throwing the players off their game.

“You never appreciate the seriousness of a situation until the scones are completely off the table,” said a disgruntled Heat guard Dwyane Wade. “Now we know sparks are going to fly. First week of games? Fine. Christmas games. Okay. No fruit spread? Bring it the f*** on.”

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was fully behind the elimination of food and drink altogether; numerous objections were raised as the players said they would not even attend without complementary waters. Lockout keeps getting uglier.

Ed Note: forgot how risky google-ing Fruit Spread can be

– Mike Sweeney

PLAYERS UNION BEGS BARON DAVIS TO STOP HELPING

The NBA lockout is in full force with the first two weeks of games already canceled. With the player’s union against the ropes, union leader Derek Fisher issued a public call for Cavaliers guard Baron Davis to stop helping. “Baron is a great guy and fantastic… really good point guard,” said a desperate Fisher, “but we got this. Please you don’t need to come to negotiations anymore. It’s so crowded and… uh… don’t worry about it.”

Guess which one is Baron Davis....

Heat guard Dwyane Wade was more blunt: “last meeting he literally hooked up an Wii to the monitor and played Mario Galaxy for ten minutes before we made him stop.” “It has not been pretty to say the least,” added Fisher, “He made a three hour speech on why his Boomuniverse website should be the NBA’s official beer sponsor. His site has nothing to di with beer!” Davis is famous for joining teams, causes and rallies out of shape and with little desire to perform, only to become the player he should once it is obvious he will be shipped out of town. Last year during an AIDS walk, Davis gathered up 3,000 people to sponsor him, only to quit after the first half mile. He was carted off the track.

“Baron means well,” said Fisher. “But seriously, stop f***ing helping.”

– Mike Sweeney