TERRELL SUGGS AND BOUNTY HITS, OCEAN’S 11 STYLE

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs claims “all teams put bounties on guys, we put out hits, jobs…. a heist, if you will.”  The aggressive defender claims the Ravens go through extensive measures to make sure they get their target during the game.  Suggs adjusted his suit, tie, fedora and claimed he “might” just have another job sometime this week.

“Where you think you’re going?”  said an angry NFL official.

Suggs turned and smile: “Getting the band back together.”

THE HACKER

Ed Reed: The Hacker

Suggs arrived at safety Ed Reed’s house first.  Reed’s known by fans for his physicality, but on the field, he’s a calculating maniac.

Reed: “I thought you were out of the game? Going clean.”

Suggs: “Can’t stay out for too long, the job passes you by.”

They toast and Suggs proposed the mission: a full on hit and heist on Super Bowl winning quarterback Eli Manning.

Reed: “Must be true what they say, you have gone nuts.”

Suggs: “That mean you in?”

Reed: “I’ll get my helmet.”

THE BRUISER

Haloi Ngata: The Brusier

Suggs and Reed entered a crowded casino where Haloti Ngata sat in a Hawaiin t-shirt playing blackjack.

Suggs: “still counting cards I see.”

Ngata: “I don’t know what you’re… Hey! TS! When you get out of Goodell’s shit house?”

Suggs: “As far as he’s concerned I’m still there.”

Ngata: “did the ol’ James Harrison Mop Job, eh? Classic.”

Suggs: “We’re pulling a hit. We need a bruiser.”

Ngata: “A bruiser? Going old school, eh. Classic TS.”

Reed: “You in? Or you too busy with your cards?”

Ngata: “Who’s the kid?”

Suggs: “He’s with me.”

Ngata, holding a King, slips his card over: ACE.  Blackjack.

Ngata: “looks like I’m done here.”

THE VETERAN

Ray Lewis: The Veteran

Suggs, alone now, enters Ray Lewis‘ house.

Lewis: “I know what you’re gonna say.  Answer’s no.”

Suggs: “Come on Ray, we been through a lot.”

Lewis: “I’m too old for this shit!  My body.. it ain’t what it was.”

Suggs: “One last job. For me.”

Suggs hands Lewis a spit covered mouthguard.  Lewis puts it in.

Lewis: “whet’s schoo it.”

The four players all entered the stadium wearing suits, ties and fedoras.

Suggs: “let’s do it.”

PART 11 TOMORROW: THE HEIST!

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RAY LEWIS’ PRE GAME SPEECH KILLS 7

Ray Lewis killed 7 during an impassioned speech before yesterday’s 23-20 win by the Ravens. 6-2 Baltimore sneaked away with a win against the Steelers in yet another hard fought game against the two physical teams; the most physical part being Lewis’ speech. “Ray’s an intense guy,” says safety Ed Reed, “he’s very vocal and psyches us up before the game, if you can’ handle the intensity and suffer a brain aneurysm, than you can’t handle the game.”

Ray Lewis shopping in a Target

Lewis, known as the emotional core of the Ravens defense, is legendary for his intensity. While watching Inception on a cross country flight the linebacker cheered so much 3 flight attendants were murdered. He is banned from all theme parks after riding the rollercoasters following his 2000 Super Bowl trip to Disney World killed 11.

Related: Ray Lewis waking up from a nap.

– Mike Sweeney