TEBOW, JETS, REX, FEET, SANCHIZE….

Tim Tebow’s trade to the Jets, Sexy Rexy Ryan’s locker room rounded shit show, has created too much.  It is almost a gift from the comedy gods.  Or a curse.  It literally makes no football sense.  It makes only media circus sense.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone loves him.  We could not figure out how to cover this… so here’s our attempt:

REX RYAN NAMES EVERY WILDCAT PLAY AFTER PORN STARS

TEBOW BEGS REX RYAN TO STOP LICKING HIM

JETS HOPE TEBOW CAN MOTIVATE SANCHEZ TO COMPLETE 40% OF HIS PASSES

SANCHEZ RELIEVED TO KNOW BACKUP QB IS “DEFINITELY WORSE THAN ME”

JETS CUT EVERY RECEIVER

NEW YORK MEDIA GIVES UP ON SOURCES, WILL WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT

JETS EXPECT PUNTING, LOTS OF PUNTING

UUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

TEBOW MEETS JETS FANS, GIVES UP ON RELIGION

REX RYAN FORCES TEBOW TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES

NEW YORK MEDIA FIRST TO EVER HAVE SEX WITH TEBOW

TEBOW KEEPS WINKING AND SMILING, REPULSING JETS FANS

REX RYAN GOES TO TEBOW’S CHARITY EVENT “TO GET PUSSY”

TEBOW REPLACES SANCHEZ AS NEW YORK’S WORST PASSER AND ELI AS DUMBEST GUY WHO ALWAYS SMILES

TERRELL SUGGS AND BOUNTY HITS, OCEAN’S 11 STYLE

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs claims “all teams put bounties on guys, we put out hits, jobs…. a heist, if you will.”  The aggressive defender claims the Ravens go through extensive measures to make sure they get their target during the game.  Suggs adjusted his suit, tie, fedora and claimed he “might” just have another job sometime this week.

“Where you think you’re going?”  said an angry NFL official.

Suggs turned and smile: “Getting the band back together.”

THE HACKER

Ed Reed: The Hacker

Suggs arrived at safety Ed Reed’s house first.  Reed’s known by fans for his physicality, but on the field, he’s a calculating maniac.

Reed: “I thought you were out of the game? Going clean.”

Suggs: “Can’t stay out for too long, the job passes you by.”

They toast and Suggs proposed the mission: a full on hit and heist on Super Bowl winning quarterback Eli Manning.

Reed: “Must be true what they say, you have gone nuts.”

Suggs: “That mean you in?”

Reed: “I’ll get my helmet.”

THE BRUISER

Haloi Ngata: The Brusier

Suggs and Reed entered a crowded casino where Haloti Ngata sat in a Hawaiin t-shirt playing blackjack.

Suggs: “still counting cards I see.”

Ngata: “I don’t know what you’re… Hey! TS! When you get out of Goodell’s shit house?”

Suggs: “As far as he’s concerned I’m still there.”

Ngata: “did the ol’ James Harrison Mop Job, eh? Classic.”

Suggs: “We’re pulling a hit. We need a bruiser.”

Ngata: “A bruiser? Going old school, eh. Classic TS.”

Reed: “You in? Or you too busy with your cards?”

Ngata: “Who’s the kid?”

Suggs: “He’s with me.”

Ngata, holding a King, slips his card over: ACE.  Blackjack.

Ngata: “looks like I’m done here.”

THE VETERAN

Ray Lewis: The Veteran

Suggs, alone now, enters Ray Lewis‘ house.

Lewis: “I know what you’re gonna say.  Answer’s no.”

Suggs: “Come on Ray, we been through a lot.”

Lewis: “I’m too old for this shit!  My body.. it ain’t what it was.”

Suggs: “One last job. For me.”

Suggs hands Lewis a spit covered mouthguard.  Lewis puts it in.

Lewis: “whet’s schoo it.”

The four players all entered the stadium wearing suits, ties and fedoras.

Suggs: “let’s do it.”

PART 11 TOMORROW: THE HEIST!

MY BRAIN HURTS WITH DR. HELMET I

Dr. Helmet is This Is The Sports resident doctor on staff.  Dr. Helmet graduated Harvard medical school at age 14 and was wunderkind throughout his life before a traumatic rugby injury left the poor Doc with 74 concussions.  

football

eli manning got knocked up and down field many time on sunday.  the helmet on his think circle almost flew away!  but he play good, tuffer then brother pey-tun.  pey-tun hurt his neck in surgical boo boo and now may never play again.  does this make eli better than pey-tun?  some say yes, but trust a man with 74 concussions, no, it absolutely does not and that is the dumbest comparison ever.

Something's wrong.... SOMETHING'S WRONG!

ray lewis say he not retire. good. nfl needs ray lewis tackling on football field not random people in grocery stores. baltimore grocery stores are dangerous enuff.

hockey

why won’t sidney crosby brain work?  it broked so long ago that it should be better.  perhaps he should go to germany like kobe system to get that experimental surgery where they take blood from wolverine of the x-men and give it to athletes to make them heal better.

hugh jackman continues to save lives.

basketball

bucks center andrew bogut is out idnefinitely.  but we need to know when exactly.  how?  we send in a specialist mystery solver.  who?  sherlock holmes.  but which one?  benedict cuberbatch’s british sly master or robert downey jr.s awesome slow motion blow-em-upster.  both?  yes.  both.

baseball

tigers signs sir prince fielder because v-mart tore his vhs in freak accident.  too bad for v-mart, not he may have to be traded if tigers want miguel cabrera to dh.  he is only two haphazard drinking bnges away from 300 pounds.

Bow before the Over-Human

ELI MANNING ABANDONS NFL, TAKES POST AS WISHING WELL DIVER

At a recent press conference, Abby McGrew, wife of famed New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, declared that her husband would be retiring from the NFL in favor of a position at a local mall. When asked about which position specifically, McGrew hushed her voice and muttered, “He’s going to be diving for change in wishing wells.”

The news comes to a shock to the Giants and the NFL at large, as Manning had just wrapped up the best season of his career and was instrumental in his team’s hard-fought playoff berth.

McGrew continued to answer questions as her husband sat next to her, completely silent and engrossed in a game of Temple Run. Asked about the motivation behind her husband’s career move, McGrew forced out a painful admission: “To be honest, money’s a bit tight right now. Eli and I decided that it was time for our family to start bringing home some real income.”

Manning’s 6-year, $97.5 million contract in 2009 seems to be more than enough for the average family. However, McGrew informed the media that her husband’s paychecks, though lucrative, were not making it home: “Ever since Eli entered the NFL, he’s found it hard to get his checks from accounting to our house. He tends to… lose them.”

WOO! Payday! Time to get this to the --

-- what smells like turkey? *investigates* *loses check*

A flurry of questions erupted from the media, at which point Manning paused his game and indignantly defended himself: “Checks are so tiny! You forget them in your pants, they get washed. You host a bonfire, they get kindled. That’s why I’m switching to wishing wells. Change makes noise when you carry it around, it’s impossible to lose. You can’t hear checks. Duh.”

As the press conference drew to a close, Manning regained his composure and expressed his optimism for the future. “Seven years of ouchball and I didn’t earn a dime. Then I stop by the mall one day for some day-old Auntie Anne’s, and I find $7.34 in one of the fountains.”

The fountain that made Mark Brunell the best quarterback in New York.

Manning paused, and smiled. “That’s how you know God is watching over you.

ELI: GIANTS SHOULD TRADE FOR BUZZ LIGHTYEAR

Giants quarterback Eli Manning took to the press today saying he believes the G-Men need a number 1 receiver, and that receiver should be Buzz Lightyear. “His combination of speed, quick feet and jet pack should make us so good and cool and fun!” said an ecstatic Eli. The Giants have been searching for that elusive number 1 target since the departure of Plaxico Burress as Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham do not seem like answers and thus undeserving of hyperlinks.

Lightyear, currently with Star Command, could not be reached for comment; every time a reporter walked into the room he reverted to toy mode, Lightyear has a reputation of being elusive to the media and human contact. But Manning is still convinced. “He would be so awesome and he can do Spanish Buzz dance when he catch da ball! YAY!”

Coach Tom Coughlin said the Giants are looking into multiple options; ever since the Plaxico shooting incident the Giants are wary of any player with a laser gun, no matter how fake.

– Mike Sweeney

ELI HAS “FUMBLE” AND “INTERCEPTION” ON WRIST BAND

"Eli go in locker room? Let me check...."

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning‘s wrist band has ten options: number 4 is interception and number 9 is fumble. This surprised Giants coaching staff, especially Tom Coughlin, who was thoroughly impressed Eli had gotten up to 10.

“It’s not what the options are that matters, it’s that Eli recognizes he can do many different things,” said a damage controlling Coughlin. “We worked all off season on writing down ideas that help, rather than using his brain.”

Fans were not happy though, that Eli even included two horrific decisions, but again, Coughlin stood by his QB: “Its option four! FOUR! Would you rather it be higher? It’s not 2010 anymore!”

Eli left the wrist band in the shower. Usually Manning never removes the band, as on the back it features detailed instructions on how to get home, his weekly grocery list and his social security number.

Tom Brady has a picture of himself modeling; Matt Hasselbeck has sudoku; Philip Rivers has porn

– Mike Sweeney

ELI MANNING ANGRY HE’LL MISS TWO AND A HALF MEN PREMIERE

Giants QB Eli Manning is furious his Monday Night Football match up against the St. Louis Rams will force him to miss the premiere of Two and a Half Men on CBS. The show is a favorite of Manning’s and he’s been waiting eagerly to know what happens since the Charlie Sheen debacle. “He’s dead now! That’s so crazy,” said the giddy quarterback. “I can’t wait to see what happens. That show is so amazing. Honestly, if you rewatch some of the earlier episodes, you see a lot of stuff you missed.” Manning is TIVO-ing the episode and asked reporters to not reveal any “spoilzies!”

– Mike Sweeney