ERIC MANGINI EDITED OUT OF CLASSIC SOPRANOS EPISODE

Eric Magini, former head coach of the New York Jets and Cleveland Browns, will no longer be a part of the Soprano family.  Mangini appeared in the penultimate episode of the revered HBO series, where Tony Soprano took it upon himself to “go say hello” to the “Mangenius” during a family dinner in Artie Bucco’s restaurant (editor’s note: Mangini was not whacked.  Tony said hello for real.  The writer has been reprimanded for his vague prose). 

David Chase, creator of the series, said that the scene will not be cut from future airings, but will instead be remastered.  “Mangini isn’t the Jets coach anymore,’ said Chase.  ‘With updates in technology, there’s no reason to compromise on my original vision, which is to keep the Sopranos a realistic depiction of the New Jersey mob.  And making sure our sports references are up to date is key to that vision.”

A deal is in the works for current Jets coach Rex Ryan to take Mangini’s place, and actors John Ventimiglia, Edie Falco, and James Gandolfini will be brought in to reprise their roles.  The Vesuvio’s set will be rebuilt at Long Island City’s Silver Cup Studios, and the entire Sopranos crew will be brought back.  The entire writing staff (excluding Matthew Weiner, who is busy with some sixties soap opera starring the dumb, good looking guy without hands from 30 Rock) is being reassembled to come up with a nickname for Bucco to call Ryan.  Any references to feet are being shelved, as the experienced writing crew doesn’t want to go for “the easy shit.”

When asked if he would undergo the same process when a new Jets coach is hired, Chase responded, “Absolutely.  Now fuck off,” before slamming the door on this writer’s fingers.  The remastered version of The Blue Comet will air in March on HBO 2.

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JAMES DOLAN HIRES ERIC MANGINI

Take a look at my FINGER!

Knicks owner James Dolan has hired Eric Mangini as head of the New York Knicks. Dolan cited Mangini’s experience coaching in New York when he was with Jets, his years under defensive mastermind Bill Belichick and his no nonsense approach to coaching football. “All these things should make the Knicks a better basketball team,” said an enthusiastic and sober(?) Dolan.

Dolan thinks Mangini can reinvigorate Carmelo Anthony and really get the best out of Dikembe Mutumbo. Mutumbo, of course, is the legendary center who is currently retired and last played for the Knicks in 2003. When asked if he knew this, Dolan claims he has no idea who Mutumbo is and firmly denied ever talking about him. Dolan then reminded the crowd that JD and the Straight Shot have an upcoming gig and they “totally need to be there! Say my name at the door and tickets are half off!”

Mangini elaborated that he’s honored to coach this franchise and lead them to the playoffs. Bill Belichick heard the news this morning and is currently lobbying to be Boston Celtics coach just to “kick Mangini’s fat ass.”

– Mike Sweeney