BRYCE HARPER YOUNGEST DOUCHEBAG IN MLB HISTORY

Bryce Harper is officially the youngest douchebag in MLB history.  The Washington Nationals 19 year old centerfielder is playing remarkably well for his age, and sure is acting like he’ll be a douchebag for years to come.

That a bro? He coming at me?

It took Alex Rodriguez years to fully realize his douche potential, but Harper does not require big money or a key media market to act like a dickhead.  Late last night the phenom hit a home run and demanded his teammates carry him “chariot style” across the diamond; a gesture not seen since Manny Ramirez left the Red Sox.

Many say it was his hard work in the minors that made him such an insufferable prick.  He really made his mark by showboating, posing after home runs and blowing a kiss to a pitcher before he made it to the majors.  Experts expect him to demand teammates be traded through the media as early as next season.

“I wouldn’t be shocked if he started jerking off after every home run,” says ESPN’s John Kruk.  “We haven’t seen that since Gary Sheffield‘s hey day.”

If anyone can remove his penis on the field of play and spend 3 to 4 minutes stroking himself until ejaculation, it is Bryce Harper.

ALTERNATE ESPN HEADLINES FOR HINES WARD RELEASE

ESPN aired this headline after the Pittsburgh Steelers released Hines Ward.  For those who do not follow hyperlinks fearing being sent to dick pics, the headline is “No Happy Endings.”  Ward got cut and is sad.  Ward is half Korean.  Korean women occasionally give massages called…. you get it.  It’s a jerk off joke.

The headline is down now, so we’re providing some alternate headlines for Hines Ward’s future as a free agent:

No Ticky No Raundry

Caught in Rush Hour  (he’s half black, half Asian…. IT’S LINSANITY!)

Loved You Long Time…

Wax On… Waxed Off…

Rook Out Indy! (to be used if he signs with Indianapolis)

The Bomb Got Dropped

MEDIA DUSTS OFF NOSTALGIC BASEBALL PHOTOS

Suns rise over the ballparks.

Lucky mitts are dusted off.

Pitchers and catchers report.

Familiar emotion-manipulating articles about the majesty of baseball begins.

Yes... a simpler time where crime never happened....

Baseball spring training is here and the players are not the only ones getting a head start this year.  Members of the mainstream media are frantically dusting off their old, nostalgic photos of baseball; many featuring silhouettes of legendary players leaning on bats, of an obscure team favorite laughing, a child’s first ballpark visit or, most popular, an unknown groundskeeper watering the field.

The start of the baseball season is an exciting time for those owning tear jerking photographs of the past.  “This is definitely our busy season,” said old photographer Mort Charlock.  “People don’t want expensively framed photos of an umpire ejecting Casey Stengel with the caption ‘heave ho, umpire!’  Nut now some old journalists who needs to write about baseball despite their being literally nothing to say will rehash an old article, find a familiar picture and maybe force in a tenuous connection with a memory he has of his father.”

Look as they wipe away the sin for a new generation of people who never do wrong things

More importantly, since this is the most popular time of the year for these photos, old-timey caption writers are working round the clock in their small, wooden shacks that has always been in the family, to write appropriate captions such as:

Spring Training

Doesn’t matter if you win or lose, but how you play the game…

Heaven

Here we are boys!

Of course there are always the mavericks of the group.  Alaister McCullough frequently writes racy captions such as: “Let’s play hard fellows!”

Intense.

But we can all agree: every journalist wrote an article about the beauty surrounding spring training fifteen years ago and has been subbing out team names in the same article ever since.  Kind of like this one time my dad took me to my first ball game…

ESPN ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR NEW, ALL TWITTER NETWORK

So what if they just replay the segments? What are you going to do, watch CNN?

The leader in sports entertainment announced plans this morning for a new addition to their family of networks.  “In an age where social media and user generated content is becoming more and more prevalent, we, the cable sports leader, have decided to expand our family of networks by adding an all new concept to television programming: #ESPN,” said ESPN president John Skipper this morning, “#ESPN will launch this fall and be dedicated to athlete and fan twitter input.  We like to think that by being pioneers, we can be the standard bearer’s for TV’s new ‘Modern Age’.”  Mr. Skipper would not give an exact date for the new launch or if any key personalities would move over to the brand.

“I think the new direction makes a lot of sense for the organization; this is the news that people want,” said Hannah Storm, ESPN’s Sportscenter Anchor and part-time cool Mom who lets their high school kids drink in the basement, “I mean, most of the time, we just read athletes twitter accounts anyways and make news stories out of that, even if it is completely baseless and gossipy. If we dedicate an entire network to it, it wouldn’t look as if we were just filling time during the live Sportscenter.”

Costas Rules!

Social media was mixed on the new ESPN direction.  Miami Heat’s Lebron James tweeted, “#ESPN this Fall?!  Can’t Wait!  Hopefully I’ll get some air time now! #fingerscrossed”.  @nbcsportsnetwork chimed in to the discussion,”@ESPN getting new network in the fall.  Good Luck! #sarcasm #gosuckaneggberman“.  Later it added, “@ESPN what is new your network going to be called?  ESPNGAY? #burn #costasrules!”.  NBC later said that their account was hacked and Bob Costas was not involved.  An unknown twitter feed, @notmarkzuckerberg, added, “Why would @ESPN use Twitter?  Twitter sucks; facebook is so much cooler! Can’t get enough of timeline! #facebookstillcool #twitterblows”.

Despite the negative reactions, #ESPN is already getting set for their launch this fall.  Below is a list of 5 new shows that will premiere on the newtwork.

  • Twitter Feed: #ESPN’s flagship program will be their twitter feed.  They will follow every athlete in the 4 major sports as well as sports personalities.  “The hope is that not only breaking news will be revealed on this feed, but also comments that can be deemed as racially insensitive and in poor taste.  This would be a great driver for ratings.”
  • Twitter War: Two analysts, athletes, or celebrities will talk sports and verbally fight each other via their Twitter accounts.  “Imagine PTI only instead of talking, they have their iPads or laptops in front of them and the entire discussion is done via twitter.  The tension!”
  • F$%king Skip Bayless!: Skip Bayless spouts off useless commentary and off-the-wall predictions while people can write in how much they hate him and wish he was dead.  “This one speaks for itself; a no-brainer really.  We may also have a spin-off for Merril Hoge and Scoop Jackson.”
  • NFL Lecture Hour: Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi read NFL players’ twitter accounts and lecture them on what would have happened if they tried to pull that stunt when they played for their respected superbowl teams.  “It just seems natural; they do it every day anyways.”
  • #Punk’d!: Based off the hit MTV show in which unknown twitter followers will try to piss off an athlete via twitter.  “We’re hoping to get Ashton Kutcher to be the host.  It will be hard to juggle the new show with his #1 comedy that no one watches.”

ESPN APOLOGIZES TO LIN WITH SWORDS, FORTUNE COOKIES AND HENTAI

Alt headline: Lin holocausts way through NBA defenses

ESPN made an official apology to Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin and all the Asian-American community this morning.  The Worldwide Leader in Sports* threw a party for Mr. Lin at a small, Korean takeout window in a dark alleyway in Chinatown.  ESPN says Mr. Lin was “thrilled” and “totally accepts our apology so it’s all over let’s move on yay Linsanity! TEBOW!”

*Yeah, obnoxious right? You might say they are the Fox News of sports.  

Lin reminded them he had a road game the next morning, but ESPN already planned a full evening: the Knicks cheerleaders arrived in giant fortune cookies and popped out of them doing a choreographed dance.  The cheerleaders, nicknamed the “Honawables” performed culturally significant and respectful Chinese dances, such as the high-wire tricks from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and performing happy endings on all customers.  Also included was a terabyte of Hentai.

The final gift was perhaps the most gracious: ESPN bought Lin a replica samurai sword signed by national treasures Jackie Chan and Lucy Lui Liu.  They even wrote a note for Lin in Cantonese; Lin reminded them he is born and raised in America and cannot read the message, ESPN admitted they were relieved and just made “funny lines and dumb drawings. TEBOW!”

ESPN has been criticized for publishing the headline “Chink in the Armor” in reference to the Knicks new point guard.  Luckily, many journalists have come to the forefront to let the American people know that racism is bad and they do not like it.  Without these journalists, we would be throwing feces at one another.

An Asian American being good at something. This is truly a breakthrough moment in the history of time.

The official ESPN statement:

We hope Mr. Lin and the entire Vietnamese community accepts our sincerest apologies.  Today we begin the long road to get our honor back.  We have dishonored ourselves, but most importantly, our ancestors.  We need to learn to be more culturally sensitive and not call people Chinks or Red-faced Injuns.  These are offensive terms.  TEBOW!

In times like these we like to think what would Tebow do?  How would Tebow apologize to Lin?  He would celebrate them.  We did not call Tebow, we knew in our hearts because we know him so well.  TEBOW!  

In summation, thank you Mr. Lin for accepting our apologies, bringing excitement back to Madison Square Garden, building our railroads, and fighting Godzilla.  Also, sorry about Hiroshima. TEBOW!”

ESPN The Worldwide Leader in cultural sensitivity.

For more, check out their new network targeting Asian Americans: ESPN YELLOW.

WIKIPEDIA BLACKOUT SENDS THIS IS THE SPORTS WRITERS TO THE HOSPITAL

Wikipedia’s self-imposed blackout in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act has taken its toll on the This Is the Sports staff.  Four writers have been rushed to the hospital since the site went dark at midnight, with ailments ranging from forced asphyxiation to light hemorrhaging.  This leaves the site woefully understaffed to cover the day in sports news, so the normal round the clock coverage of the lack of Bobs in sport will unfortunately not happen today.

The extreme bodily reactions to the blackout experienced by writers Nick Bacarella, Karin Graham, Rony Johosaphat, and Jon Vail were brought on by “not being able to dick around while they’re supposed to be working,” said Editor in Chief Mike Sweeney.  “Actually having to sit down and write an article instead of pissing away time writing the ‘Haircut’ section on Nicholas Cage’s page was just too much for them.  In Rony’s case, his head literally exploded.”

The site may have to switch to a cheaper server due to the high cost of Hemoglobin removal

Sweeney went on to say that he hopes Wikipedia returns before any more of his staff are crippled.  ” I mean, Bacarella hocked up a lung.  I thought Wikipedia being down would allow us to finally get some actual work done, but I guess not,” he said.  He then chuckled to himself saying, “You know, lungs are smaller than I would have expected.  I thought they took up more room in the chest.”

The smaller, the cuter, amiright?

All four of the writers are in stable condition and will survive, but may be on medical leave for some time.  Sweeney is putting feelers out for replacement writers throughout the blogosphere.  The number one requirement, above writing skill or punctuality: the ability to withstand short term outages of their favorite sites.  “The last time Netflix did routine site maintenance, Schroeder’s nervous system shut down for a few hours.  I mean, come on, I can’t run a business like this!”

Sweeney seemed relieved that Google would not join Wikipedia in solidarity, but others will.  As a precaution, a triage unit is being put on standby outside of the This is The Sports offices.

MIKE WILBON FINALLY STABS KORNHEISER

In what has been a war of attrition for over ten years now, Pardon The Interruption‘s Mike Wilbon finally went ahead and murdered Tony Korneheiser.  After Kornheiser jokingly said the New York Yankees should sign Tim Tebow because he’s a winner like Jeter, Wilbon lunged across the desk stabbing Kornheiser seven times in the face, abdomen and eye.  Kornheiser still clearly won the round as he had 24 points to WIlbon’s 18.

Producer Jigsaw

PTI is a show designed by the serial killer Jigsaw to test Wilbon’s desire to live.  The elaborate traps pit the respected columnist against Kornheiser for 22 minutes every single day, forced to debate sports related issues with the obvious psychotic.  Originally conceived as a torture trap creation show in which host Jigsaw would have 3 days to create elaborate devies to ruin the lives of the selected targets,  PTI was picked up by ESPN and readjusted to fit the sports debate format.  Jigsaw was given a choice of columnists and personalities he felt deserved to have their will power destroyed and he settled on Willbon, known as an overall good columnist and man.

Jay Mariotti was sought, but really pissed everyone off.

No one is sure how the show will replace Kornheiser or if Wilbon is permanently scarred psychologically or if he was in full control of his actions and realized it was his only way to escape.

KILL ME!!!

UPDATE:

Woody Paige has been hired.

SECOND UPDATE:

Wilbon snapped Paige’s neck.

LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE CELEBRATES 150 MILLIONTH FAN

"It's like football only... better

Fans at the sold-out Lingerie Football match between the Chicago Curie and the New York Red Cross were treated to something extra-special this past weekend as the ten-year-old league, the most successful women’s league in the country, announced that the 150 millionth ticket holder in league history was in the audience.  The lucky fan, and the rest of the 60,000-strong crowd, witnessed an epic late season contest won by the Red Cross on a last second, 70-yard field goal by all-star kicker KeLeigh Green.

The announcement was made at halftime by league commissioner Diana Daniels.  The lucky fan was announced to be 11-year-old Rebekah Ben-Chayil, who was part of a group of Israeli and Palestinian children flown out to the game by the league for their 5th annual World Outreach Day.  In a surprise twist, Commissioner Daniels invited the 150 million-and-first fan, 12-year-old Gaza resident Hama Ayloush, down to the field to join Rebekah.  The two squealed and hugged as the commissioner awarded them signed jerseys and other gear and donated $15 million to the trip’s sponsor organization, Israelis and Palestinians for Peace.

The game itself wasn’t short on the entertainment either, as both teams fought to maintain top seeds in their respective conferences as the playoffs draw near.  Curie quarterback Mona LeMain extended her streak of consecutive completed passes to a staggering 115 before it was snapped on a sideline fingertip interception by Red Cross linebacker Shawnee Price.  After the play, the fans, and both teams, gave LeMain a standing ovation for her achievement, the second longest completion streak in league history.

Contrary to the league’s official name, WLFL players compete in standard, if smaller, protective gear under regular sportsbras and tights—not unlike a woman’s regular jogging kit.  The uniforms feature original team colors and designs from the standard to the funky; the 8-4 Los Angeles Impression’s unis are based on Claude Monet’s 1886 Study of a Figure Outdoors, Woman with a Parasol. I caught up with SI contributor LZ Granderson, the only sportswriter present at the game, during the 3rd quarter break to talk about the league.  We chatted near the concession stand, where vendors sell organic meat dishes along with a mind-boggling range of vegetarian options.  “Yeah, they’re not wearing as much as they could.  It’s a summer league, it’s hot!” He chuckles before continuing.  They also wear relatively thin but very impact resistant leather helmets, specially developed by DuPont and made available only to the League.  Incidences of concussion are about a 10th of the NFL’s.”

"I don't care how much brian damage she got, this is still hot!"

Despite the league’s overwhelming success it receives no coverage in the mainstream sports press, a fact Granderson laments.  When pressed about it, Granderson throws up his hands.  “These girls are really good.  I know we say that all the time about all female athletes, but seriously.  I don’t know what else to say.”  He shrugs as he chews on a delicately seasoned string bean.

A former employee at ESPN, speaking on condition of anonymity, recalls the league’s start in the summer of 2002, when it was a sketchy and sparsely-attended operation run by Diana Daniels’s then husband, former Hustler senior executive Steven Daniels.  Five weeks into the first season, Mr. Daniels lost the league to the current commissioner in their divorce.  “We wanted to send Erin [Andrews] to cover the story, but when she saw the name of the assignment she blew her stack. And once she said no, none of the other ladies wanted to undercut her.”  The image-conscious network demurred at the idea of sending a male reporter, and soon forgot about the story entirely.  Meanwhile, Diana Daniels transformed the league into a silent power.  ESPN and the other sports outlets, the source says, remained ignorant of the organization’s success as they continued to believe a “lingerie football league” story was radioactive.  ESPN did not return calls seeking comment.  When asked about the league, a current major network sports personality replied, “pffft.  It’s just a bunch of chicks in their underwear slapping each other, right?”

Granderson learned about the league when Sports Illustratedsent him for a light half-pager in 2004.  “‘I know, let’s send the gay dude to the lingerie football game,’” he

They were sued by the Jaguars for stealing their jersey ideas

says with an eye-roll.  But it was amazing.  Rough around the edges back then, but there was some incredible talent.  Athletic talent.”  When he told his editors about it, he says, “they just laughed and walked away.”  The writer and CNN contributor still attends the games, but now as a committed member of the Red Cross fan base, lovingly dubbed “Florence’s Machines.”

And what does the commish think of her astounding success?  The league is very profitable, and has added  to Daniels’s already substantial fortune.  “I prefer to look to the future,” she says, sitting behind a large oak desk in her suite at the league’s Lower Manhattan office.  “There’s big interest in Canada, and we’re looking to maybe expand up there.  Everything’s preliminary at this point.”  But in the face of staggering success, are there any plans to finally change the league’s name to more accurately reflect the style and level of play, maybe get more media exposure?  Daniels leans back and smiles.  “Why ruin a good thing?”

– Rony Josaphat

HOPE SOLO FURIOUS AT ESPN BODY ISSUE

Sure the headline said “Bodies We Want” but Hope Solo was none too pleased. “They took pictures of me gardening! How dare they?!” Solo’s picture features her watering plants in the nude on, presumably, her front lawn. “I always water the plans naked. It soothes me,” said the US Women’s soccer star. “At least I remembered to do my hair, makeup and body glisten that morning. Sometimes I forget when I stand nude in public.”

This isn't special, literally once an hour

RELATED: Sports Illustrated angry to be one upped again by the World Wide Leader: “They took our swimsuit concept and took away the swimsuit. Now we have nothing. NOTHING!!!”

"Hey Jon... yeah Wednesdays amirite?"

– Mike Sweeney