Alt headline: Lin holocausts way through NBA defenses
ESPN made an official apology to Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin and all the Asian-American community this morning. The Worldwide Leader in Sports* threw a party for Mr. Lin at a small, Korean takeout window in a dark alleyway in Chinatown. ESPN says Mr. Lin was “thrilled” and “totally accepts our apology so it’s all over let’s move on yay Linsanity! TEBOW!”
*Yeah, obnoxious right? You might say they are the Fox News of sports.
Lin reminded them he had a road game the next morning, but ESPN already planned a full evening: the Knicks cheerleaders arrived in giant fortune cookies and popped out of them doing a choreographed dance. The cheerleaders, nicknamed the “Honawables” performed culturally significant and respectful Chinese dances, such as the high-wire tricks from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and performing happy endings on all customers. Also included was a terabyte of Hentai.
The final gift was perhaps the most gracious: ESPN bought Lin a replica samurai sword signed by national treasures Jackie Chan and Lucy
Lui Liu. They even wrote a note for Lin in Cantonese; Lin reminded them he is born and raised in America and cannot read the message, ESPN admitted they were relieved and just made “funny lines and dumb drawings. TEBOW!”
ESPN has been criticized for publishing the headline “Chink in the Armor” in reference to the Knicks new point guard. Luckily, many journalists have come to the forefront to let the American people know that racism is bad and they do not like it. Without these journalists, we would be throwing feces at one another.
An Asian American being good at something. This is truly a breakthrough moment in the history of time.
The official ESPN statement:
We hope Mr. Lin and the entire Vietnamese community accepts our sincerest apologies. Today we begin the long road to get our honor back. We have dishonored ourselves, but most importantly, our ancestors. We need to learn to be more culturally sensitive and not call people Chinks or Red-faced Injuns. These are offensive terms. TEBOW!
In times like these we like to think what would Tebow do? How would Tebow apologize to Lin? He would celebrate them. We did not call Tebow, we knew in our hearts because we know him so well. TEBOW!
In summation, thank you Mr. Lin for accepting our apologies, bringing excitement back to Madison Square Garden, building our railroads, and fighting Godzilla. Also, sorry about Hiroshima. TEBOW!”
ESPN The Worldwide Leader in cultural sensitivity.
For more, check out their new network targeting Asian Americans: ESPN YELLOW.