SPOILER ALERT: FIFA CAST AS NEXT JAMES BOND VILLAIN

 While the production has been shrouded in mystery, producers now confirm FIFA will be the villain in the new Sam

I said 'Go. Arsenal.'

Mendes directed James Bond film. It has been widely reported the British superspy would battle a corrupt, global organization hell bent on world domination. FIFA is proud to continue the great tradition of screen icons such as Dr. No, Jaws and Goldfinger. This will be FIFA’s first collaboration with Mendes.

The BCS is wildly disappointed after being in the race for the final role: “We did all we could do but we know it will be a  great film.”

– Mike Sweeney

AMERICA FINALLY ABLE TO ADMIT U.S. WOMEN KINDA BLEW IT

After over a month of speculation, Americans are finally admitting the U.S. Women’s soccer team kinda blew it in the World Cup. On July 17th the US Women played a thrilling match against Japan losing 2-2 during penalty kicks. Most major media outlets politely congratulated Japan and acknowledged the US team’s heroic effort; but after more than a month, everyone pretty much thinks they dropped the soap.

Hope Solo Catches Her Dinner

“Sure second place is good, but they were up by a goal. Twice!” said Alan Gibbons, a bartender from Albany. Added Michaela Smith: “Three missed PK’s? Three! It’s like they didn’t wanna win!” Many Americans still admit Hope Solo was

"Last time I saw this awesome in men's soccer was..." "Never. The answer is never."

phenomenal, Alex Morgan was a revelation and Abby Wambach’s header was an all time great,; but it is still a tough pill to swallow. Americans have showered the team with love: they appeared on The Daily Show, multiple talk shows, and being hot in public… but three missed penalty kicks? It’s hard to miss one! THREE?!?!?!

“Second place is awesome, they all seem genuinely cool, and Japan really needed the win this year,” says Jocelyn Moore, “but if you lose the World Cup in a tie game, you friggin’ blew it.”

– Mike Sweeney

AMERICA OFFERS QATAR WNBA

After winning the Olympic bid and pursuing the 2014 start of the Tour de France and 2018 and 2022 World Cup, Qatar is on a roll. However, the United States agreed to ensure Qatar gets the 2022 World Cup if the Arab nation takes the WNBA as well. Qatar has given no response but has until late tomorrow to decide if it will risk having a dunkless, poorly attended league in order to receive the exciting, thrilling World Cup.

Qatar admitted that initially it had no desire to watch “sound fundamentals” but could not resist the idea of having even more events inside its boundaries.* Qatar allegedly inquired the availability of the Paraolympics and Great Outdoor Games.

Sound Fundamentals: Jab! Jab!

The United States has been actively dealing the WNBA since 2008 with little luck. In late 2010, Germany seemed like a logical destination until negotiations fell apart at the last minute.

*Furthering suspicion that Qatar is a hoarder. Rumor has it multiple countries are worried about Qatar’s recent hoarding and unexplainable mood swings.

– Mike Sweeney