SPURS WATCHED NBA FINALS “THE RIGHT WAY”

“Oh score! This is fun.”

The NBA season is over and the news-cycle is dominated by the draft and Olympic team; but let us not forget the best “team” this season, the San Antonio Spurs, who watched the NBA Finals the right way.   That’s right, unlike the Knicks, Lakers and attention starved Wizards, the pride of San Antonio watched the Finals with little fanfare.

Each teammate quietly gathered at Tim Duncan’s house or purchased a modest, mid-row seat that is not on center court.  That is why these Spurs are the real champs.  None of this loud LeBron look-at-me hoob-a-loo in press conferences; none of “Hollywood” Durant’s eye catching glasses; just plain, good old fashioned basketball watching.  Here me now fathers of America: make your kids watch how the Spurs watch basketball.  It’ll make them better watchers of basketball forever.

NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  “These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  “The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  “We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ‘Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ‘Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

  • Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
  • Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
  • LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
  • What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.
Gogglometers view: Avalanche center Ryan O'Reilly driving up center ice: his emotion is "quixotic"

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!