Typical Canadians shooting things first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Typical Canadians shooting first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Hours after arriving in Vancouver for the CONCACAF tournament, where the U.S. women’s soccer team hopes to qualify for this year’s London Games, a lone Canadian gunman entered the players’ hotel and opened fire in the adjoining bar.

None of the players were hurt, though the incident kept star goalie/dancer Hope Solo from making a post-practice caffeine run. “Was about to walk to starbucks [sic] when all hell broke loose in the lobby of our hotel! Life is precious…” Tweeted the Nike spokeswoman and Golden Glove Winner.

“Well, here we go again. First it was their heroics last year in Germany, and now the mainstream media feels compelled to mention that they were almost victims of a senseless tragedy,” lamented male soccer star Landon Donovan, on his way inside a Los Angeles area Pinkberry.

“I have it on good authority that ESPN ran the story somewhere on its futball homepage. To say nothing of all the press This is the Sports–where sports goes to get their sports–has been giving the team. I mean, when was the last time anyone gave a fig about the men’s national team? If we had been shot at, would anyone have cared?”

Sometime soon after making this remark, a tree in a distant forest allegedly fell down.


Sure the headline said “Bodies We Want” but Hope Solo was none too pleased. “They took pictures of me gardening! How dare they?!” Solo’s picture features her watering plants in the nude on, presumably, her front lawn. “I always water the plans naked. It soothes me,” said the US Women’s soccer star. “At least I remembered to do my hair, makeup and body glisten that morning. Sometimes I forget when I stand nude in public.”

This isn't special, literally once an hour

RELATED: Sports Illustrated angry to be one upped again by the World Wide Leader: “They took our swimsuit concept and took away the swimsuit. Now we have nothing. NOTHING!!!”

"Hey Jon... yeah Wednesdays amirite?"

– Mike Sweeney


After over a month of speculation, Americans are finally admitting the U.S. Women’s soccer team kinda blew it in the World Cup. On July 17th the US Women played a thrilling match against Japan losing 2-2 during penalty kicks. Most major media outlets politely congratulated Japan and acknowledged the US team’s heroic effort; but after more than a month, everyone pretty much thinks they dropped the soap.

Hope Solo Catches Her Dinner

“Sure second place is good, but they were up by a goal. Twice!” said Alan Gibbons, a bartender from Albany. Added Michaela Smith: “Three missed PK’s? Three! It’s like they didn’t wanna win!” Many Americans still admit Hope Solo was

"Last time I saw this awesome in men's soccer was..." "Never. The answer is never."

phenomenal, Alex Morgan was a revelation and Abby Wambach’s header was an all time great,; but it is still a tough pill to swallow. Americans have showered the team with love: they appeared on The Daily Show, multiple talk shows, and being hot in public… but three missed penalty kicks? It’s hard to miss one! THREE?!?!?!

“Second place is awesome, they all seem genuinely cool, and Japan really needed the win this year,” says Jocelyn Moore, “but if you lose the World Cup in a tie game, you friggin’ blew it.”

– Mike Sweeney