JIM-GATE: HARBAUGH AND SCHWARTZ FEUD

HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIMHI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIMHI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIMHI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIMHI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIMHI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM HI JIM

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JIM HARBAUGH SPITS ON CHILD

THEY DIDN'T SHAKE HANDS! EVERYONE BACK! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY DID NOT SHAKE HANDS!!!!!

49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh was involved in not one, but two slightly excessive celebrations yesterday. After jumping up and down and possibly showing up Lions coach Jim Schwartz following the Niners win in a terrific game,* Harbaugh strolled down through his neighborhood whistling dixie with a pep in his step; the former Stanford coach saw a young group of schoolgirls playing double dutch in the school yard and since the young coach prides himself on being your “everyday neighbor,” he joined the girls for a game. After multiple tries, a stretching session and loud, creative obscenities, Harbaugh finally beat little Stacey’s record; the coach released epic chants of “LOZA! LOZA” toward the child, kicked dirt in her eyes and spit on her face. He then chest bumped the other two girls, who immediately collapsed onto the concrete. Harbaugh then ran into the street screaming “I AM A TITAN!” saying he needed to get home to down a 5 hour energy and watch 300.

Harbaugh’s actions against Schwartz will heretofore be known as JIM-GATE, easily becoming one of the most famous handshake controversies ever.** Harbaugh is previously famous for WHAT’SYOURDEAL-GATE in which he and resident NFL dude Pete Carroll had an awkward moment during post game handshakiness.

– Mike Sweeney

The video:

*When was the last time those two ahve played a good game? And against each other? Oh football.

**Also one of the rare ones not involving Belechik

BANE, RAVENS HANDLE STEELERS

The new face guard now at Foot Locker!

The Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers participated in their twice-a-year grudge match to start the 2011 season, capped by a shocking move by the Ravens: Baltimore fielded newly signed linebacker / fullback Bane, the ultimate killing machine featured in 2012’s film The Dark Knight Rises. Coach Jim Harbaugh, a massive Christopher Nolan fan,* spent most of the summer checking spy photos from the blockbuster film’s location shoot in Pittsburgh. After seeing the villain in action, Harbaugh knew he had to sign him and send him against his former city-mates.

In the first quarter Bane seemed overmatched and unfamiliar with the Steelers’ blitz schemes. But from the second quarter on he proved he was merely testing his enemy by brutally breaking Hines Ward’s back and snapping Troy Polamalu’s legs. Bane made sure only to maim players in order to intimidate and not receive a penalty flag.

The move clearly paid of with a 34 – 7 win by the League of Shadows.

– Mike Sweeney

*From even before Batman Begins you posers!