TEBOW FORGIVES BRADY QUINN

Broncos starting quarterback Tim Tebow has officially forgiven backup QB Brady Quinn for controversial comments the latter made about The Tebow earlier this week.  In a recent GQ article, three Quinn quotes reflected negative pinions of Sir Tim, especially questioning his humility.  But He Who Is Tebow is not deterred.

At a press conference explaining his remarks, Quinn said he felt misrepresented in the article, when a bright light broke through.  Mr. Tebow solemnly entered, nay… floated…. through a cloud of smoke.  But no one feared, they were calm.

Tebow approached the podium where Quinn, the NFL’s best backup QB to come from Notre Dame, stood in disbelief.  “What sorcery is this?” questioned a skeptical Qunn.

Dr. Tebow, Esq. offered his hands to Quinn in forgiveness.  The backup QB was brought to tears and fell to his knees.  Tebow, He Who is Quarterback, lifted his teammate and told him to “rise.”  Then, in an act of brilliance and forgiveness, Tebow TEBOWED in front of Quinn.

Thou Art Tebes spoke without a microphone, yet all could hear him,* and they understood the two are teammates and nothing could drive a wedge between them.

*Like all of Denver could hear him.  It was weird.  

Quinn  ended the press conference by saying he believes n Tebow and will never betray him again.  Thine Tebow responded “FUCK NO YA WON’T!” and lit Quinn on fire.

Never ignite the arsonist wrath of Holy Tebow May He Live Forever.

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TEBOW CANNOT UNDERSTAND LOSS

So why was Tebow the role model again?In an odd scene outside the Denver Broncos practice facility, Denver quarterback Tim Tebow met with the press upbeat and ready for his upcoming playoff game against the New England Patriots.  “You dream about these games all your life and when you get the chance to play in them, you just want to go out there and give it your all,” said a smiling Tebow.  When asked about the Broncos 45-10 loss against New England this past weekend, Tebow appeared to be confused, “Coach Fox said that was just a scrimmage.  And good thing it was; I played pretty awful in it.  We’ll shake it off and get ready to make some adjustments for when we get them again this weekend.”

“Honestly, management felt it was best if Tim didn’t know that we got knocked out of the playoffs,” said Denver Head Coach, John Fox, “We were afraid that if he lost, there could be a chance of him denouncing his religion, getting into meth and crack, and being found somewhere dead, with hookers, or with dead hookers.  The NFL has a great star in Tim Tebow; we didn’t want to be the reason for his supernova.”

Tom Brady is a great QB, but I feel like that I’m just as good on the football field,” continued Tebow when asked about the Patriots, “I mean, when you watch Sportscenter, they show highlights of me all the time.  That has to tell you something about my football playing ability.”  Broncos owner and former player John Elway will be giving the annual state of franchise speech this Wednesday.  When asked about the Tebow playoff contingency plan, Elway was vague in his answer.  “Right now, we’re going to try and keep Tim in the film room preparing for this weekend.  We have some ideas for how to approach the situation: telling him that Jesus won the Superbowl, telling him that the Superbowl was cancelled and every NFL team will do community service, using a neuralyzer and creating a new memory for him.  Whatever we do, it’s in the best interest of the league to make sure he doesn’t find out that he sucks.”

JESUS CHRIST REPLACED AS COORDINATOR; TEBOW UPSET

 

Jesus. As a greaser. And English.

Broncos offensive coordinator Jesus Christ has been replaced. Following an 18-15 win against the Miami Dolphins and first start of the season for quarterback Tim Tebow, John Fox fired his play caller. “We got away with a win Sunday,” said Fox. “But I felt this was the right move.” Christ, better known as a defensive whiz, was a favorite of Tebow’s to call miracle based plays, such as the wobbly 15 yarder and the improbable scoring drive. Christ has been criticized this year for not maximizing Kyle Orton’s strengths; some even say it was a plot to get Tebow under center.

“I’ve long been a fan of his style of play,” said Tebow. “The short runs and spread offense is definitely something I worship in a coordinator and lord and savior.”

Christ, recently seen as a head coaching favorite, does not think this firing will end his football career. “Most likely I’ll look for some college openings. Lets be honest, Notre Dame will probably fire this guy at the end of the year and they’d love to have me.”

– Mike Sweeney