PUPPY BOWL CONTROVERSY

The 2012 Puppy Bowl might forever be remembered for the late game heroics by Mr. Scuffers and yet another heartbreaking playoff failure by Dunston (is he a Hall of Famer or not!?) but controversy will not be far behind.

He's sad because his post-playing career benefits cannot cover all his medical bills. And because you don't wuv him.

The Puppy Bowl could face a lockout going into next season as the Players’ Association demands better treatment from the owners.  Many former players are bankrupt within 10 dog years of retiring, concussions have increased severely throughout the past two seasons with doctors seemingly forcing the puppies to play and the divorce rate among puppies is gets exponentially higher post-playing career (which last between 1-3 games as is!).

Once again the owners have it wrong: there can be no puppy bowl without cute, adorable puppies.  Just because they have opened academies in Latin America and Japan does not mean the same kind of talent is there for cheaper. Numerous puppies from the Dominican are changing their names and ages in order to seem more attractive in the draft.

But the owners do not see it that way: they see the players as borderline worthless commodities they can uselessly trade and neuter their market value (and their testicles).

The dark side of being in The Show

Finally the players are ready to take an adorable stand.  No more Mr. Nice Mr. Freckles, time for Mr. I Just Woke Up And Am Annoyed But Still Nice Mr. Freckles.

But seriously, they take their nuts we have to do something about this, Roger Goodell and David Stern are getting ideas.

DONALD STERLING PROVES YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL

High in the Staples Center is a corner box drenched in shadow; so dark even the most diehard fans do not know it exists.  The black hole of the stadium.

Far below the LA Clippers play.  Chris Paul drives the lane before dumping off an alley-oop pass to Blake Griffin.

The crowd cheers.  From the dark black hole someone laughs…

Sterling's Christmas photo. Quite conservative this year.

THE MAN

Donald Sterling is proving this season that you can have it all.  Once seen as the kooky old nut of LA’s number two basketball team, Sterling has turned his demonic frown all the way into a despondent scowl.

As recently as a year ago Sterling was seen by many fans as an owner who did not care; an owner who’s willing to sit on his laurels; an owner willing to let the team suffer so long as he profited; an owner who’s racism was between excessive and borderline illogical; an owner / real estate mogul who refused to rent houses to Hispanics because they “smoke, drink and just hang around the building;” an owner who was sued by the US Department of Justice in 2009; an owner who refused to pay for Kim Hughes’ cancer treatment.

But Satanic spirits close to Sterling say that is “all part of his charm.”

While conjuring up a combination of AIDS and cancer, three blind old witches of fate swore their weekly meeting with Sterling was filled with humor.  “He always puts a smile to our faces,” cracks Two, the second child of The Vaunted Triplets of Fate.  “He always comes with a snack to sacrifice.  When he meets us, it is not for fun, it’s because he wants to.  It’s about the ‘human’ connection.”

3 was actually his prom date #awkward

SEASON IN JEOPARDY

From the get go the 2011-2012 season looked like a long shot; not if Sterling had anything to say about it.  During the tense lockout negotiations, Sterling ordered numerous kitten to be strangled as a sacrifice to RANCLAR, God of Death and Shadow.  Sterling’s outrageous acts even stunned Metta World Peace, nee Ron Artest.  “I wouldn’t want to be left alone in a room with that man,” said Ron Ron.  Yes.  Ron Artest is intimidated by Donald Sterling.

The sacrifices finally paid off and 2011 basketball happened just in time: Sterling was willing to move from kittens to small infants.  “I have no doubt in my mind if we didn’t sign a deal Donald Sterling would’ve stabbed a baby in front of us,” said player’s rep Derek Fisher, covered in sweat.  That is the type of negotiating skill that kept both parties at the table.  In fact, even controversial Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert admitted “neither side dared to leave that room if Sterling was in there with a baby and any sot of blunt object.  Even a stack of papers. We’re NBA owners, sure we’re monsters. But not baby millers. That’s… something else.”

“That’s how much that man loves ball,” says longtime assistant Wormtail. “He will kill kids.  How many?  Irrelevant question.”

Longtime assistant Wormtail beat out 665 applicants for the job

Now the Clippers sit at 11-6 and are considered LA’s premier team.  Sterling has finally turned his laughingstock into the toast of the town: could not have happened to more a maniacal despot.

PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE

Staring into the dark abyss that is Sterling’s cavernous hole gives the semblance that he has not had “fun” in quite some time.

Sure he hasn’t.

Sterling’s been even more prevalent in the community this year from buying out an entire’s store’s worth of lottery tickets so others cannot have any to drawing pictures of average citizens with Glasgow smiles on their faces, everyone knows Sterling loves to laugh.

Sterling's breakfast

Oh how he loves to maniacally laugh.

“Sometimes we’ll be exiting the stadium and he’ll just cackle,” said a chuckling Wormtail. “It’s almost like he knew something just happened to someone.  I don’t know, but he has his weird sixth sense about… things… happening to other people.”  Wormtail added Sterling will randomly rub his fingers together saying “yes…yes…” when not even prompted.  Something even Wormtail admits is “claustrophobia-inspiring.”

SMOOTH SAILING HERE ON OUT

2012 might be the end of the world, but it’s all good for Sterling.  He relaxes on his yacht, Goebels II (Goebels I having the attack guns repaired) and drinks it all in.

“I’ve come very far,” wrote Sterling, his voice unfit fo the human ear to process.  “So I think I’ll just bask in the moon light a little bit more.  The sun is rather harsh, but it will pay one day… one day…” and even wrote that he was maniacally laughing and rubbing his fingers together prompting members of This Is The Sports to wonder why the room was so small.

Sometimes it takes ruthless villainly for a born bastard to be able to sit back, relax and watch people die of horrific diseases he helped invent in a secret lab run by the Ghost of Hitler.  And Donald Sterling is just the man for the job.  Smiling the entire time.

Google "Donald Sterling Smiling" and this is the only one of those jpegs that the average human can process

NBA LOCKOUT ENDS DAY AFTER FAN BUYS NHL JERSEY

Chicago Bulls fan Dennis Colby is furious.  Why would a rabid fan be angry once the lockout ended?  Because he just bought a Chicago Blackhawks jersey.  “I gave up, I said ‘screw it! Dennis you now like hockey,'” said a mad-eyed Colby. “Then it ends? All of a sudden I can watch basketball?  I got twelve Blachawks tickets, a monthly pass to a nearby lot, a jersey…. NOW IT’S ALL USELESS!!”

No matter what anyone ever says, this is a useless item

Colby is one of many disgruntled NBA fans who were so distraught with the pessimism of the lockout they decided to follow the NHL, a sport which lost its 04-05 season and still features labor unrest.  Now these fans wasted their hard earned money and time on tickets and jerseys for hockey teams they have no reason to ever care about anymore.

“NHL? Hockey?” screams Sharon Dieter, a Nuggets fan from Denver.  “I literally learned everyone on the Avalanche? WHY?! Why would I do something so dumb and unenjoyable as learn an entire hockey team’s roster? Because thats what this lockout did to us man! Sure it is over for the league…. but not us…. no…. we are still haunted.”

Local NY fan torn between Rangers and Knicks

NBA fans are torn between keeping their hockey tickets or returning to the NBA.  Needless to say, many were affected psychologically in ways other lockouts never saw, or at least reported.  Numerous cities have even reported homeless people ranting about famous Olympic divers and international Ping Pong players; clearly they are too long gone to ever watch a real sport in peace.  Perhaps with modern medicine we can treat the psychological scars more effectively than past generations who suffered through lockouts.

LOCKOUT: KOBE PLAYS IN PARK, DEMANDS 25 MILLION

Kobe Bryant shot around in a local Los Angeles park for a few minutes before demanding “his hard earned 25 mill.”  Onlookers and local players stared at the superstar confused, only upon seeing his Kobe Face did they realize Bryant was serious.  “Kobe is The Lakers,” said Bryant’s agent Rob Pelinka.  “He’s earned that money by being in that park and warming up for seven to eight minutes.  Plus he’ll hit me if I don’t get the money.”

Local grocer Anthony King said “I’m not sure what we’re supposed to pay him with.  Most of us are here because we work part time or are unemployed.” Bryant continued his demands and even settled by going through numerous players’ pockets collecting change and a few singles in the process, adding up to $17.82.  Bryant threw a fit and demanded his entire team (skins) be traded back to shirts.  He also requested to change pinnies to a different number.  The onlookers continued in confusion and thought it best to ignore the superstar; the tactic worked.  Bryant watched for a few moments, yelled, waved his hands and eventually gave up after knocking over a child’s ice cream cone.

"I WANT MY MONEY!"

Bryant bought a loaf of bread from a nearby Vons and demanded $180,000 for the performance.

LOCKOUT: KEEP SHAQ OFF TV

OMG is she eating a chili dog yum yum yay!

The 50-50 revenue split is still up in the air, but This Is The Sports has learned of another lockout hold up: both sides are stretching the lockout to keep retired, future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal off of television. The Shaqtus signed a TV contract with TNT to be apart of the same crew as Kenny Smith and Charles Barkely; the players are saying “no thanks.” The owners, however, are not happy with the current model of Smith and Barkely coverage. Supporters claim the owners want to even the commentary, while detractors say NBA commissioner David Stern is merely trying to put his stamp on the pre and post game stupidity.

Barkely, the king of the current booth, is absolutely upset at The Diesel’s arrival. His rant on the subject was inaudible, unfortunately. The Big Shamrock responded to Barkely’s comments… also inaudible. But the mumbling was disgruntled…. or sarcastically disgruntled. I think.

Both were used as examples why Barkely and Shaqovic cannot be apart of the pre and post game discussions. However, both Charles and The Big Aristotle broke into a 12 minute discussion of the McRib sandwich which was absolutely hysterical.

The lockout continues to twist and turn.

Now imagine if Shaq Fu was sitting next to Kenny. Shutter….

– Mike Sweeney

MONGOLIA ANGRY AT NO NBA INTEREST

Mongolian president Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj is disappointed at the lack of interest from NBA players. Many players have explored playing professionally in Europe, Turkey and China, but no one has even considered Mongolia. “We are a beautiful, fun, super cool nation,” urged the president, “why doesn’t anyone want to play here? It is fun! We have horses. And other things!”

Mongolia, best known for the legendary conqueror Ghengis Khan and…. other things, is widely known as a great place for basketball. Reportedly Allen Iverson was interested, but that is still only speculation.

Mongolia's most populated city

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: GARNETT, WORLD PEACE LEFT ALONE IN ROOM WITH OWNERS

LET'S NEGOTIATE!!!

Desperate times. Desperate measures.

The NBA Players Union pulled a fast one by sending only Boston Celtics center Kevin Garnett and Los Angeles Lakers forward Metta World Peace into the lockout meeting today with the owners. Derek Fisher et all arrived normally at the meeting, allowing the owners to enter first. Right as every last one fit inside, Fisher shut the door. Newly installed automatic locks sealed the doors and windows. The tra was sprung.

As the owners stared around in confusion, smoke flooded through the vents. Once the the mist vanished, only Garnett and World Peace stood in the room with the owners demanding to “settle this like men.” World Peace added: “yeah, or lions from the future.” Even Garnett gave Metta a glance after that one.

Rumblings and flailing was heard outside the room, but talking had ended and not much else could be decifered. Fisher, hearing the screams of the owners he once feuded with, stared a thousand yard stare out the windows muttering “what have I done?”

"Agreed, contraction is not the answer, but the fact remains our current revenue dividing system cannot survive a long term... I'm sorry the what on my head? Oh a baseball. I'm wearing a baseball.

– Mike Sweeney

STERN CANCELS FIRST HOUR OF LOCKOUT TALKS

"This cannot stand #occupycondiments"

David Stern canceled the first hour of tomorrow’s lockout talks to put pressure on the player’s union. Tomorrow’s noon meeting is expected to be long and grueling, so Stern upped the ante by canceling the first hour which is usually a time for snacks and exchanged pleasantries, the first hour of the meeting will really let the tension begins early, possibly throwing the players off their game.

“You never appreciate the seriousness of a situation until the scones are completely off the table,” said a disgruntled Heat guard Dwyane Wade. “Now we know sparks are going to fly. First week of games? Fine. Christmas games. Okay. No fruit spread? Bring it the f*** on.”

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was fully behind the elimination of food and drink altogether; numerous objections were raised as the players said they would not even attend without complementary waters. Lockout keeps getting uglier.

Ed Note: forgot how risky google-ing Fruit Spread can be

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: ARBITERS BEG PLAYERS AND OWNERS TO GIVE IT ONE LAST CHANCE FOR THE KIDS

During yet another controversial meeting between the NBA owners and players union, three arbiters made a dramatic plea for the two sides to stick together for the kids. The owners and players seem further apart than ever, and the arbiters feel the relationship falling apart altogether. “Clearly things have hit a breaking point,” said union rep and Lakers point guard Derek Fisher. “How can we still be together, let alone in the same stadiums as these people? Do you know how betrayed we feel?” The owners also adamantly refuse to apologize. “Apologize? Us? Know what it’s been like dealing with them for years?!” The children, Kyle, Jackson and Leslie, 11, 8 and 4, respectively, were in ear shot of the owners who immediately grabbed their mouths. “We didn’t mean that guys.” Jackson ran out of the room while Kyle blamed himself.

Only David Stern could make a baby make this face

The arbiters showed the two sides photos from their inception over 50 years ago, their young trysts with the ABA as young adults, the highs of the 80’s and Jordan era, and even the rough times from the ’99 lockout. “It was certainly emotional,” said arbiter Ray Cole. “But we aired it all: the good and the bad. Hopefully they’ll remember there are three little guys at home who need them.” The children have been quite the afterthought in this whole process. Kyle speaks mostly for the children, who have long sought higher salaries as well as increased competitive balance. All three are young and confused and not sure whom to side with.

So young, so full of love.... and short shorts

The players union firmly stick with their stance the children should stay with the NHL for a while. “NFL just got through some things, so no need to mess with them. The NHL is having a few difficulties and could use a distraction.” When asked if MLB was an option: “Those guys? Think their too good for everyone. We know what happened in ’94 even if they pretend it didn’t!” The owners think sending the kids to the NHL is a bad idea and cancelled another week of games as a  result.

– Mike Sweeney