Olympic Sprinter Tests Positive for SPANX

World record holder in the 100 and 200 meter dash and reigning “fastest man alive” Usain Bolt tested positive for the popular women’s undergarment accessory favored by single women, new mothers, and female screenwriters. His participation in this year’s Olympic games are now in doubt.

“Spanx’s dynamic combination of seventy percent nylon and thirty percent lycra means that Usain is more aerodynamic than anyone else on the track,” said U.S. track and field men’s coach Andrew Valmon. “This certainly calls into question his legacy and presents the athletic community with yet another performance enhancing obstacle.”

The Olympic racing community hasn’t been this rattled since sprinter Marion Jones was found to have used steroids to help catapult her to the top of the track and field world. Jones had multiple Olympic medals taken away, and spent six months in prison as a result.

U.S. hurdler and fellow London Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones, weighed in saying, “I thought about asking Usain out after the Games. Just something casual outside the Olympic Village where we could really get to know one another. But now that I know his body’s a lie…honestly, the appeal’s kinda gone now.”

Bolt’s PR firm had no comment, except this photo:

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TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Typical Canadians shooting things first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Typical Canadians shooting first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Hours after arriving in Vancouver for the CONCACAF tournament, where the U.S. women’s soccer team hopes to qualify for this year’s London Games, a lone Canadian gunman entered the players’ hotel and opened fire in the adjoining bar.

None of the players were hurt, though the incident kept star goalie/dancer Hope Solo from making a post-practice caffeine run. “Was about to walk to starbucks [sic] when all hell broke loose in the lobby of our hotel! Life is precious…” Tweeted the Nike spokeswoman and Golden Glove Winner.

“Well, here we go again. First it was their heroics last year in Germany, and now the mainstream media feels compelled to mention that they were almost victims of a senseless tragedy,” lamented male soccer star Landon Donovan, on his way inside a Los Angeles area Pinkberry.

“I have it on good authority that ESPN ran the story somewhere on its futball homepage. To say nothing of all the press This is the Sports–where sports goes to get their sports–has been giving the team. I mean, when was the last time anyone gave a fig about the men’s national team? If we had been shot at, would anyone have cared?”

Sometime soon after making this remark, a tree in a distant forest allegedly fell down.