BIRD: “I’D RATHER PLAY BLOCKS WITH KOBE”

Hall of famer and basketball icon Larry Bird admitted that he would rather spend recess with Lakers guard Kobe Bryant than the Miami Heat’s LeBron James.  Bird answered rather candidly saying “if I was an infant regularly spitting up vomit on myself and rolling in my feces, I’d rather it be with Kobe.”

He continued: “Kobe provides the best chance to win and win and win in Lego wars.  Can LeBron promise that?  Can he guarantee he won’t start eating pieces in the fourth quarter of recess?  Can he smash a space ship toy against the ground without another star to help him?”

LeBron responded: “it’s easy to make me a target.  Anytime a bead goes up someone’s nose it is

Miss Teacher there's icky on my face!

LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone falls off the castle it is LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone rolls off the mat during nap time it is LeBron’s fault.  I.  Don’t.  Wike. It!”

Bird is known for aggressive taunts and spitting during play times.  Many called this “dirty playing” while others attributed it to the former Celtic’s competitiveness.

LeBron, Kobe and Bird all sought each other out after finger painting and got into a heated screaming match before passing out from all that exertion.  Yes they did, yes they did those cute widdle guys!

How this man was ever accepted in Boston I will never know

KOBE DEMANDS TRADE FOR MORE KOBES

Lakers guard Kobe Bryant demanded the Lakers trade for more Kobes this season.  “I’m only one man, one Kobe,” said the irritable guard.  “You think one Kobe can win the Western Conference?  Of course he can.  Canone Kobe win a championship?  Of course he can.  He already won five.  But imagine two Kobes.  Now three?  They could win a championship in space.  Space!”

Kobe has long sought to have more space championships than longtime rival and current TNT analysts Shaquille O’Neal.

Los Angeles is in a troubling position: seeking out more available Kobes would require quite the coup and possibly gutting their current team.  “I’m ready to scour the globe for more Kobes,” added Bryant.  “I know there’s another out there.  And if he is, I could beat him.  What? You think because I want more Kobes I ain’t good enough? More Kobes makes this team go from great to greater. I’m still Kobe Bryant, not some Kobe Bryant.  I could beat any Kobe.”

Kobe immediately ran on to the court and took seventy eight shots.

LOCKOUT: KOBE PLAYS IN PARK, DEMANDS 25 MILLION

Kobe Bryant shot around in a local Los Angeles park for a few minutes before demanding “his hard earned 25 mill.”  Onlookers and local players stared at the superstar confused, only upon seeing his Kobe Face did they realize Bryant was serious.  “Kobe is The Lakers,” said Bryant’s agent Rob Pelinka.  “He’s earned that money by being in that park and warming up for seven to eight minutes.  Plus he’ll hit me if I don’t get the money.”

Local grocer Anthony King said “I’m not sure what we’re supposed to pay him with.  Most of us are here because we work part time or are unemployed.” Bryant continued his demands and even settled by going through numerous players’ pockets collecting change and a few singles in the process, adding up to $17.82.  Bryant threw a fit and demanded his entire team (skins) be traded back to shirts.  He also requested to change pinnies to a different number.  The onlookers continued in confusion and thought it best to ignore the superstar; the tactic worked.  Bryant watched for a few moments, yelled, waved his hands and eventually gave up after knocking over a child’s ice cream cone.

"I WANT MY MONEY!"

Bryant bought a loaf of bread from a nearby Vons and demanded $180,000 for the performance.

SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: GARNETT, WORLD PEACE LEFT ALONE IN ROOM WITH OWNERS

LET'S NEGOTIATE!!!

Desperate times. Desperate measures.

The NBA Players Union pulled a fast one by sending only Boston Celtics center Kevin Garnett and Los Angeles Lakers forward Metta World Peace into the lockout meeting today with the owners. Derek Fisher et all arrived normally at the meeting, allowing the owners to enter first. Right as every last one fit inside, Fisher shut the door. Newly installed automatic locks sealed the doors and windows. The tra was sprung.

As the owners stared around in confusion, smoke flooded through the vents. Once the the mist vanished, only Garnett and World Peace stood in the room with the owners demanding to “settle this like men.” World Peace added: “yeah, or lions from the future.” Even Garnett gave Metta a glance after that one.

Rumblings and flailing was heard outside the room, but talking had ended and not much else could be decifered. Fisher, hearing the screams of the owners he once feuded with, stared a thousand yard stare out the windows muttering “what have I done?”

"Agreed, contraction is not the answer, but the fact remains our current revenue dividing system cannot survive a long term... I'm sorry the what on my head? Oh a baseball. I'm wearing a baseball.

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: ARBITERS BEG PLAYERS AND OWNERS TO GIVE IT ONE LAST CHANCE FOR THE KIDS

During yet another controversial meeting between the NBA owners and players union, three arbiters made a dramatic plea for the two sides to stick together for the kids. The owners and players seem further apart than ever, and the arbiters feel the relationship falling apart altogether. “Clearly things have hit a breaking point,” said union rep and Lakers point guard Derek Fisher. “How can we still be together, let alone in the same stadiums as these people? Do you know how betrayed we feel?” The owners also adamantly refuse to apologize. “Apologize? Us? Know what it’s been like dealing with them for years?!” The children, Kyle, Jackson and Leslie, 11, 8 and 4, respectively, were in ear shot of the owners who immediately grabbed their mouths. “We didn’t mean that guys.” Jackson ran out of the room while Kyle blamed himself.

Only David Stern could make a baby make this face

The arbiters showed the two sides photos from their inception over 50 years ago, their young trysts with the ABA as young adults, the highs of the 80’s and Jordan era, and even the rough times from the ’99 lockout. “It was certainly emotional,” said arbiter Ray Cole. “But we aired it all: the good and the bad. Hopefully they’ll remember there are three little guys at home who need them.” The children have been quite the afterthought in this whole process. Kyle speaks mostly for the children, who have long sought higher salaries as well as increased competitive balance. All three are young and confused and not sure whom to side with.

So young, so full of love.... and short shorts

The players union firmly stick with their stance the children should stay with the NHL for a while. “NFL just got through some things, so no need to mess with them. The NHL is having a few difficulties and could use a distraction.” When asked if MLB was an option: “Those guys? Think their too good for everyone. We know what happened in ’94 even if they pretend it didn’t!” The owners think sending the kids to the NHL is a bad idea and cancelled another week of games as a  result.

– Mike Sweeney

PLAYERS UNION BEGS BARON DAVIS TO STOP HELPING

The NBA lockout is in full force with the first two weeks of games already canceled. With the player’s union against the ropes, union leader Derek Fisher issued a public call for Cavaliers guard Baron Davis to stop helping. “Baron is a great guy and fantastic… really good point guard,” said a desperate Fisher, “but we got this. Please you don’t need to come to negotiations anymore. It’s so crowded and… uh… don’t worry about it.”

Guess which one is Baron Davis....

Heat guard Dwyane Wade was more blunt: “last meeting he literally hooked up an Wii to the monitor and played Mario Galaxy for ten minutes before we made him stop.” “It has not been pretty to say the least,” added Fisher, “He made a three hour speech on why his Boomuniverse website should be the NBA’s official beer sponsor. His site has nothing to di with beer!” Davis is famous for joining teams, causes and rallies out of shape and with little desire to perform, only to become the player he should once it is obvious he will be shipped out of town. Last year during an AIDS walk, Davis gathered up 3,000 people to sponsor him, only to quit after the first half mile. He was carted off the track.

“Baron means well,” said Fisher. “But seriously, stop f***ing helping.”

– Mike Sweeney