ALABAMA BEATS LSU IN GAME 2 OF 7

Alabama and LSU are now tied at one game apiece in the 2011 FBS Finals best-of-seven-series — after the Crimson Tide crushed the Tigers 21-0 tonight at the Superdome in New Orleans.  This is the first time the new college football playoff system (CFPS) has been used — after the much maligned BCS format was tossed out following years of criticism.

You guys only need 2 history electives?

The new system is simple — the top two teams in the country play a best-of-seven series, while the other 118 teams in the FBS sit at home like a bunch of assholes and complain about it.

During a post-game interview, Alabama head coach and known asshole Nick Saban commented on the new system, saying, “This is fucking stupid. Playing the same football team seven times to determine a winner? What is this, baseball? Do I look like Lou Gehrig to you?”

Saban continued, “Whoever decided on this shit didn’t understand what people meant when they said they wanted a playoff format in college football. I swear to God if that butt hugger Bug Selig is behind this I’ll cut his chubby hands off and feed them to my pet lion….”  The rest of Saban’s interview was unfit for print.

LSU head coach Les Miles was not nearly as critical after the game, telling reporters, “At first I thought playing a seven-game series was gosh-darned ridiculous. But after getting our bum bums handed to us like that tonight, we’re definitely going be ranked second … so I’m changing my tune. I’m totally up for a third, fourth, fifth, six or seventh rematch. Whatever it takes to take home that trophy, you know? Huck, huck!”

Game 3 is scheduled for February 25, and will be played on another completely neutral field in Louisiana.

But here’s the rub, if neither team can put the other away by Game 5 on April 12, then none of the players will be deemed eligible for 2012 NFL Draft, which is scheduled for April 26-28.

Saban: Give us a kiss. Miles: Okay... Saban: Haha fooled you! You're gay now!

If that happens, all non-graduating players will be forced to enroll in college for another year. As for those graduating in May, they’ll be “brown shirted” … meaning they can practice with team next season, but don’t technically go to the college anymore and aren’t allowed to play in games.

Sounds unfair to some, but life-long LSU fan Jim-Bob Daniels disagrees, telling This Is The Sports, “Shit mayne, that give muh-fuckas insensitive to play hard. Nah mean? No play hard, no NFL. Simple shit. Annit give me and awl my muh-fuckin homeys a reason to hand out black eyes to out-of-towners fer anotha few months. Shiiiiiit. Yo, anybody got a smoke I bum?”

Indeed.

JEFFERSON “TOO COLLEGE”Y FOR NFL

LSU is the number 1 team in the country, but NFL scouts still have doubts about senior quarterback Jordan Jefferson.  Jefferson, who has thrown for over 4,000 yards in his LSU career, is considered too much of a “college player.”  49ers scout Matt Craggs cites numerous indie and jam bands on his iPod, constantly wearing sandals instead of shoes and preferring posters instead of wallpaper.

He has Phish on the helmet headset

Jefferson, however, insist he is NFL ready.  Sitting with a sideways visor and wearing a shirt he bought at Goodwill* Jefferson said “I’m like totally ready, you know? I mean I don’t care what they say anyway. Who’s they? Some faceless machine man? Know what Kant says about machines? I took a class on him last semester and my eyes were open. I’m sorry can I offer you a Natty?”

*The interview took place on the futon Jefferson currently sleeps on.  It’s in “my bro Keith’s place.”

Some teams might be convinced after Tim Tebow’s recent success with the Broncos.  Tebow is famous for his unconventional throwing motion and maniacal love of toga parties and Justin Bieber, yet he is 5-1 as a starter.

Jefferson continued his rigorous training session of 6 hours of Xbox, 2 hours of dining hall food, a massive post-meal poop, then practice.

 

ALABAMA CRIES OVER SPILLED MILK

During the 9-6 LSU victory over the Alabama Crimson Tide, tragedy struck a lone Alabama fan. During the final minutes of the game, Pete Brownson, a senior at Alabama and the president of the 4H club, was about to sit down to a nice cup of milk and cookies when a neighboring fan bumped the victim, causing him to spill the lactose beverage onto the floor.  “What will I dip my Oreos in now?” Pete exclaimed.

Luckily, cameras were rolling on the “spill heard round the world” and public awareness has allowed everyone to know and understand this poor man’s plight. “I can only try to understand how he must feel.” Said Tim Dowson and LSU fan who witnessed the incident. “I realize that we are rivals, but we are also human, so we would like to help this man in any way we can.”

Fortunately, Pete’s mother, Debbie Brownson, was there to comfort the man until they could get a fresh glass of milk. “Pete is a precious boy and I wish I could protect him from everything, but sometimes the gods just decide to s*** all over your life. And when that happens, you just have to clean up and move on.”

A replacement glass of milk was retrieved but Pete was already too fussy to be consoled. Eventually he and his mother Debbie had to leave and stop by McDonalds for a Happy Meal on the way home.

– Jon Vail

Ed: This Is The Sports editors would like it to be known Jon Vail currently attends LSU and never stopped maniacally laughing as he wrote this. 

LSU-BAMA SUICIDE PACT RIVALRIES HEAT UP

As LSU and Bama fan get ready for the big college football showdown on Nov. 5, jokes about committing to a suicide pact if their team loses are ruined by some taking it too far. “I mean, I don’t actually want to kill myself, but some people just don’t get it,” said LSU kinesiology student, Derek Lynch. “I had mentioned it to my friends who thought it was a funny joke, but some s*** head who no one invited said ‘yeah, I’ll probably eat the barrel of my shotgun in my truck.’ Who says something like that?”

There is nothing sad about any of this. At all.

Many reported that the night was ruined by the off color statement and attempts at reviving the party with a kegstand failed when one of the hot chicks at the party started crying and locked herself in the bathroom. As guests began to file out, one partygoer asked, “If we can’t joke about ritualistic suicide, what can we joke about?”

– Jon Vail

 

#2 ALABAMA WANTS RECOUNT

Alabama is ranked #2 in the BCS rankings and they are not happy.  University officials demanded an official recount of the coaches’s vote. “We know we’re the coaches’ choice for best team in the nation,” said grizzled veteran coach Nick Saban. “We are the best team in the country and they all know it!” LSU officials claim they deserve the top spot because of their point differential, but Saban is not having any of it: “We’re awesome! Watch the games! Watch every last down and you’ll see the people want us!” When reminded the standings change weekly, Saban threw his playbook and yelled “next week? Seriously! Aw man that’s stupid!”

Don't mak me forget you!

– Mike Sweeney