THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

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NCAA: CONSIDERABLY LESS RAPES IN 2012 THAN 2011

Sorry my sign language is rusty

The NCAA released an exciting study today: 2012 has considerably less fewer rapes than 2011.  This is great news for the NCAA which as recently as last year faced several rape, child abuse and molestation charges.  But this year is a whole new leaf!

“To already be on Day 12 and not a single public charge of rape is a great triumph,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert.  “I think we all deserve a nice, professional, non-violating pat on the back.”  2011 certainly was a down year, with Penn State haunted by child molestation charges, Ohio State students menacingly getting free tattoos, and a Syracuse coach being accused of child molestation.  All equally disgraceful acts.

The NCAA hopes to carry this record streak of non-rape charges for another two or three weeks, thus beating its own 2006 record.  “That was a great year for us in terms of not abusing children physically and psychologically,” said Emmert.  “Maybe one day we can go a whole two months!”  Emmert laughed hysterically as every journalist stared at him coldly.  “But it’s all very, very sad too.”

RELATED: Bomani Jones on college football playoff.

UPDATE: We have finally reached the point where grammar Nazis are on the site…. yay.