MANNING-GATE: TEXANS MAKE MATT SCHAUB LINEBACKER

Houston Texans quartback Matt Schaub admitted he is “willingly shifting to linebacker” and that he “always wanted to play that position” and “loves his family so much and just wants to see them and make sure they are okay.”

YEAHBUHWHAAAAAA?

Heavily armed team officials stood behind the sweaty quarterback, linebacker, letting him know it is “okay” and everything “will be fine as long we all cooperate.”

The Texans just announced this morning they are interested in signing free agent quarterback Peyton Manning since Schaub made “his stunning and definitely out of nowhere” decision.

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FALCONS, TEXANS CAUGHT MAKING OUT IN THE TUNNEL

The Houston Texans and Atlanta Falcons were caught making out in the tunnel during halftime of Houston’s 17-10 win on Sunday.  The first half between the two teams was riddled with sexual tension; during the half they could not stand it anymore.  With Houston up 10-3, both teams jogged into the tunnel at Reliant Stadium.  The Falcons were stunned to jog into a tunnel filled with dark, red mood lighting and soft, sultry steam coming off the walls.  The Texans followed, closing the door behind them.  The Falcons, admittedly, were confused: “at first we didn’t know what to do,” said quarterback Matt Ryan. “We all know Houston’s reputation.  But he’s so different in person.”

The Texans remarked how hot it was, thus everyone on the roster took off their shirts in what was an obviously rehearsed, slow motion maneuver executed to perfection by the offense.  Coach Gary Kubiak said the team “executed to perfection” through the entire game, but especially in the tunnel.  One reporter giggled “more like sexecuted.”  No one laughed.

The Falcons had a rough second half, clearly flushed and confused.  During a post game press conference, Ryan hoped the Texans would call, but coolly mentioned he “doesn’t care wither way.”

"I can not see a situation where we would ever make out Mr. QB"

AFC SOUTH QUARTERBACKS ATTACKED BY AFC NORTH NICKNAMES

Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbart knew it was only a matter of time: jet black, flapping wildly, going straight for his eyes from its

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW STOP!

hiding place under his sink.  “Luke [McCown, former Jags starter] warned me to be careful, and to stay away from the big cat exhibit at the zoo,” Gabbart said at a news conference, “but I had no idea it would happen in my own home.”

The raven attack on the Jacksonvilles’ young QB continues a disturbing trend this NFL season: for reasons unknown, the starting quarterbacks of the teams in the AFC South have been harassed, even injured by the putative nicknames of the AFC North.  Earlier this month, Texans QB Matt Schaub was chased across town by a tiger on the loose from the Houston Zoo.  “It scared the bejeezus outta me,” Schaub recounts. “It chased me for 10 miles up I-45.  I thought I was gonna die.  You joke about death by tiger being an awesome way to go… I was terrified.” Nashville police report numerous complaints from the Hasselbeck residence about menacing calls from Hall of Fame basketball coach Larry Brown.  Brown could not be reached for comment.

It all started in mid-August at the Indianapolis home of Peyton Manning, according to an unnamed member of the Mannings’ domestic staff.  Manning had just exited the shower when he came upon a massive, dirty man in a hard hat, wearing overalls and carrying a long wrench.

It was this guy

“Mr. Manning was like, ‘no, no, my neck, see?’” The source demonstrated, twisting his neck before continuing.  “You could tell he was thinking quick.  Then he was like, ‘uh, it needs surgery! Yeah, that’s it! I’ll be out for the whole season!’ The big dude stared at him for a long time, then turned around and left.”  The night Kerry Collins signed with the Colts his house was broken into.

OMG! He ran right into me! Did you see that?

Police are still looking for a suspect, but in an interview with local affiliate KDKA2, Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl was quick to point out that his city is now more a hub for biomedicine than anything else.  He then let loose a bone-chilling cackle before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet; when the smoke cleared, the mayor was gone!

–Rony Josaphat

NERVOUS SCHAUB ASKED CHEERLEADER FOR “QUICKIE”

Congrats! She's not a stripper!

Texans quarterback Matt Schaub allegedly asked a Texans cheerleader for a “quickie” before kickoff. According to an anonymous source, Schaub was nervous to face the New Orleans Saints and needed something to “relieve the tension.” Rookie cheerleader Kelli claims Schaub approached her, in full uniform, on the sideline minutes before kickoff; the QB then “acted super awkward” before he finally solicited for sex.

Kelli admitted she felt “horrified…. but kinda bad.” Schaub received a handy during kickoff before taking the field in a 40-33 loss. Maybe she rubbed the wrong good luck charm.*

"Thank god for Roethlisberger. Otherwise people would think I'm creepy."

Players and cheerleaders are strictly forbidden to fraternize and can lead to fines from the league office or the Texans. Schaub giggled hysterically: “worth it!”

– Mike Sweeney

*Ed Note: ZING!