NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  “These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  “The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  “We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ‘Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ‘Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

  • Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
  • Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
  • LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
  • What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.
Gogglometers view: Avalanche center Ryan O'Reilly driving up center ice: his emotion is "quixotic"

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!

LOCKOUT: GARNETT, WORLD PEACE LEFT ALONE IN ROOM WITH OWNERS

LET'S NEGOTIATE!!!

Desperate times. Desperate measures.

The NBA Players Union pulled a fast one by sending only Boston Celtics center Kevin Garnett and Los Angeles Lakers forward Metta World Peace into the lockout meeting today with the owners. Derek Fisher et all arrived normally at the meeting, allowing the owners to enter first. Right as every last one fit inside, Fisher shut the door. Newly installed automatic locks sealed the doors and windows. The tra was sprung.

As the owners stared around in confusion, smoke flooded through the vents. Once the the mist vanished, only Garnett and World Peace stood in the room with the owners demanding to “settle this like men.” World Peace added: “yeah, or lions from the future.” Even Garnett gave Metta a glance after that one.

Rumblings and flailing was heard outside the room, but talking had ended and not much else could be decifered. Fisher, hearing the screams of the owners he once feuded with, stared a thousand yard stare out the windows muttering “what have I done?”

"Agreed, contraction is not the answer, but the fact remains our current revenue dividing system cannot survive a long term... I'm sorry the what on my head? Oh a baseball. I'm wearing a baseball.

– Mike Sweeney

RON ARTEST SIGNS WITH MON-STARS

It’s official: Ron Artest has signed with the Mon-Stars. The Lakers player signed a one year contract with the team paying him $800,000 space bucks with an opt out clause if the NBA lockout ends. Artest, soon to be Metta World Peace,  will report to camp in one week.

The Mon-Stars expressed interest in Artest as early as May; however, the defensive-wunderkind was not sold. Many wondered if Artest would mesh with their mid-90’s style of play and racial hatred of all Toons. All agree this is great news for the Toon League, which has seen a stark drop in attendance since Bill Murray retired.

Screw Jordan, let Artest play baseball!

UPDATE: Lola Bunny will continue to coach the Toons from the sideline against Artest, her former fiance.

– Mike Sweeney

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