A little under a month ago the Miami Heat won the NBA Title and team president Pat Riley is still smiling like a fucking asshole.   The slick haired former Showtime Lakers coach has been walking around Miami with a massive shit-eating grin that makes you want to kick his fucking teeth in; but Riley is not deterred.  “It’s just a great feeling,” understated the total toolbag in a clearly rehearsed speech.  “We all did it. We had a lot going against us but we triumphed.”

Riley has made sure to tip excessive amounts of money, drive with his convertible hoods down and high five random strangers, all smiling like he got free fucking ice cream.

Riley plans on forcing his clearly fake white teeth on every poor motherfucker within walking distance until the 2012-2013 season begins.  Sweet Christ…


NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person.  It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.

Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”

While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character.  Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away.  Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**

*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.

**This also works for boxing movie cliche.  


But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should.  I am glad he did.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring.  I probably should as a team consultant or something.  This happened because of me.  I am important.

Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.

In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable.  Maybe he has no heart?  Flawed character?  Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.


Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5.  With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.

*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**

**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***

***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him

See that in his teeth? It’s Cleveland’s soul.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy.  “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”

Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this.  “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed.  That’s what LeBron did to us.  Except he only attacked puppies.”*

*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.  

All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down.  Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die.  This city will be a ghost town.  And that’s something America cannot let happen.”


The first picture I found of Cleveland


Hall of famer and basketball icon Larry Bird admitted that he would rather spend recess with Lakers guard Kobe Bryant than the Miami Heat’s LeBron James.  Bird answered rather candidly saying “if I was an infant regularly spitting up vomit on myself and rolling in my feces, I’d rather it be with Kobe.”

He continued: “Kobe provides the best chance to win and win and win in Lego wars.  Can LeBron promise that?  Can he guarantee he won’t start eating pieces in the fourth quarter of recess?  Can he smash a space ship toy against the ground without another star to help him?”

LeBron responded: “it’s easy to make me a target.  Anytime a bead goes up someone’s nose it is

Miss Teacher there's icky on my face!

LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone falls off the castle it is LeBron’s fault.  Anytime someone rolls off the mat during nap time it is LeBron’s fault.  I.  Don’t.  Wike. It!”

Bird is known for aggressive taunts and spitting during play times.  Many called this “dirty playing” while others attributed it to the former Celtic’s competitiveness.

LeBron, Kobe and Bird all sought each other out after finger painting and got into a heated screaming match before passing out from all that exertion.  Yes they did, yes they did those cute widdle guys!

How this man was ever accepted in Boston I will never know


The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house


Hundreds of thousands of Americans claim their New Year’s Resolution is to find and murder ESPN commentator Skip Bayless.  These people are forced to listen to Bayless’ controversial opinions, rants and tweets.  Bayless consistently accuses LeBron James of being overrated, Tim Tebow is the second coming and wrote Troy Aikman was gay.  Apparently, 625,790 people have had enough.

This breaks the previous record of resolution-homicide held by Osama Bin Ladin, Bernie Madoff and that waitress who you could’ve sworn was flirting with you but turns out she has a boyfriend, some guy named Eric who’s in law school on scholarship, probably cheating on her all the time because he just looks like the kinda guy who’d do that…

We hope all the people reach this year’s resolution.  Or at least one of you does.

Charles Barkely is already looking like the front runner.


Miami Heat superstar LeBron James brilliantly saved a baby today before losing it in the 4th.  The Heat star just cannot finish the game.

On a routine Friday morning jog, King James noticed a burning building.  Proving he is not that different than you or I, King James approached the fire because “it’s cool.”  However, firefighters and emergency response were unable to retrieve a baby caught on the 8th floor.  James sprung into action.


Adjusting his $4,000 sneakers and $6,000 shorts, James threw powder into the air and stormed the blaze.  Traditionally, LeBron takes his time in the opening minutes to learn his opponent, no exception here: LeBron played conservatively through the first floor opting for the stairs over the hotshot-elevator route.

In the next few floors / minutes James was in rare form: jumping over burning blocks, staying low on defense and avoiding smoke, he moved toward the child with the freakish athleticism he is known for.  The superstar then went to the roof and climbed down the fire ladder to safety.

Just before handing the baby off to its mother, James dropped the child.  Classic LeBron.

James handed off the child one handed, in some late game showmanship, only it backfired.  The child was especially wiggly and rolled out of his palm, face planting onto the concrete.  LeBron, stunned, posed for a few seconds with his hands at his sides before walking off the court disgusted with himself.  Most of the onlookers agreed, if he’d passed to Dwyane Wade, James wouldn’t have had to take the final shot.

Chris Bosh watched the event and laughed before onlookers asked who he was.  Despite assertions that he is an NBA superstar, no one confirmed it.

Wait... we're up by 50? Why did I still lose? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!


Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.


When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney


"This cannot stand #occupycondiments"

David Stern canceled the first hour of tomorrow’s lockout talks to put pressure on the player’s union. Tomorrow’s noon meeting is expected to be long and grueling, so Stern upped the ante by canceling the first hour which is usually a time for snacks and exchanged pleasantries, the first hour of the meeting will really let the tension begins early, possibly throwing the players off their game.

“You never appreciate the seriousness of a situation until the scones are completely off the table,” said a disgruntled Heat guard Dwyane Wade. “Now we know sparks are going to fly. First week of games? Fine. Christmas games. Okay. No fruit spread? Bring it the f*** on.”

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was fully behind the elimination of food and drink altogether; numerous objections were raised as the players said they would not even attend without complementary waters. Lockout keeps getting uglier.

Ed Note: forgot how risky google-ing Fruit Spread can be

– Mike Sweeney