DEATHROW INMATE TURNS DOWN BOBCATS OFFER

Deathrow inmate Jarrod Munch turned down an offer from the Charlotte Bobcats which would have taken him off the execution slab; but Munch reportedly refused despite the guaranteed $7 million a year for 8 years.  “The timing just wasn’t right,” said Munch, lying down calmly on the table as the doctor grabbed the alcohol swabs.  “I didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation.”

This was what you get when you google “Bobcats 2012 Highlights”

Insiders claim Munch would’ve signed anywhere else but the troubled bobcats.  Charlotte went through hoops just to speak with Munch, who’s been a star in the Louisiana Penal League, and Charlotte’s best chance at getting a college level athlete with high school ball handling skills.

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TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

• To the surprise of absolutely no one and the notice of a very few, alumnae of the University of Connecticut dominated the women’s basketball roster for this year’s Olympics (The Olympics are coming! The Olympics are coming!). The Geno Auriemma-coached squad reportedly declined to be fitted for official Team USA jerseys, opting instead to “just stick with the colors that got us here,” according to the unapologetically stately-haired Auriemma.
• Jersey abandoner, 6-pack aficionado and all-around gal’s gal Brandi Chastain traded in her shin guards for a sand wedge at this past weekend’s Michael Jordan Celebrity Invitational. She and partner John Smoltz (Ret. P-Atlanta Braves) defeated other notable weekend-golfers such as former NBA Inside Stuff Main Man Ahmad Rashad, “The Office” (US Version) cast member Brian Baumgartner, and hockey wife and mother of five, Janet Jones-Gretzky. “It’s not about beating Michael,” Chastain said. Poppycock. Of course it’s about beating Michael! This is the sort of stuff great obituaries are made of. You go, girl.

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

• According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

• And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

NBA AMNESTIES CHARLOTTE BOBCATS FROM LEAGUE

BREAKING:  The NBA used its amnesty clause on the Charlotte Bobcats early this morning in a shocking move.  The amnesty clause states the league can drop one team while paying its salary without having that payment b counted under the new salary cap.  While shocked by the timing, many analysts see this as a wise move.

"We could all be Juwanna Mann's if we believe it"

The Bobcats can sign with Turkey or, pending a good showing at training camp, the WNBA.  The Bobcats were definitely on thin ice this season and looked like an amnesty possibility, however, more expensive, useless franchises such as the Phoenix Suns and Toronto Raptors seemed like more logical candidates for release; however the league saw rebound potential in those  franchises.

Not the Bobcats.

“They were definitely a franchise that brought little value to our roster as we understood it,” said commissioner David Stern.  “We would like to thank the Bobcats for their service and wish them the best of luck.”   Other analysts were not as forgiving: “the Bobcats had to go.  They were a complete waste of roster space!”  “They are draining the entire league with their play.”  “Everything about them is horrible, with their fat gut, inability to hustle if team is sinking, slow, ineffective defense and that beard… I’m sorry you said Baron Davis correct?”

UPDATE: The Bobcats have signed with China.

ORANGE BALL