DEATHROW INMATE TURNS DOWN BOBCATS OFFER

Deathrow inmate Jarrod Munch turned down an offer from the Charlotte Bobcats which would have taken him off the execution slab; but Munch reportedly refused despite the guaranteed $7 million a year for 8 years.  “The timing just wasn’t right,” said Munch, lying down calmly on the table as the doctor grabbed the alcohol swabs.  “I didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation.”

This was what you get when you google “Bobcats 2012 Highlights”

Insiders claim Munch would’ve signed anywhere else but the troubled bobcats.  Charlotte went through hoops just to speak with Munch, who’s been a star in the Louisiana Penal League, and Charlotte’s best chance at getting a college level athlete with high school ball handling skills.

SPORTS-NUT UNCLES TO DRINK UNTIL MARCH MADNESS

The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house

WHY WOMEN ATHLETES ARE SO GODDAMN NICE

First Selfish Female Athlete in Recorded History Claps for Herself...or Maybe America

First selfish female athlete in recorded history claps* for herself...or maybe America

It all started in 1908, when the first, Super-Secret-Pinky-Swear women’s sports convention was held. Representatives from the original Seven Sisters established a charter stating that female collegiate athletes were required to “treat each other with dignity and respect,” and a whole lot of other bullshit that’s not conducive to sports.

(It was also here that the adorable idea of “role model” was first conceived. “Oh, as if we’re not enough!” raged a coalition of chambermaids, school marms, and hookers protesting outside the convention, as recorded by one of the attendees in her diary later that evening.)

Since then, athletic women the world-over have struggled to assert themselves as competitive, dominant, inventive masters of Sport.

Over the years, there have been a few female athletes with drive, ambition, and a giant pair of metaphorical balls fighting for the right to be appreciated on the playing field. Unfortunately at every turn, they’ve been met with disappointment, snubbed by their more gracious and womanly counterparts. “We really thought Sheryl [Swoopes] was going to be the one to break the glass ceiling. But she ended up being a real class act,” said the world’s most likable aggressive female athlete, during a post-game interview, and on her way to a diabetes awareness benefit dinner. “I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” she shrugged. “Can I get anybody anything before I leave? Everybody good? How are your kids doing?”

Not surprisingly, a recent study comparing the off-season lives of WNBA and NBA players found that female ballers tend to favor quiet domestic pursuits and catching up with girlfriends (the straight kinds), while men enjoy flashier honey-do lists.

(The study was so boring, we couldn’t be bothered to show even one of its many multi-colored pie charts.)

“Would it kill them to just do a little trash talking now and agin, or threaten to sue someone or like, get into a knife fight? Anything! I can’t sell this slop for much longer! Fuck, man. I’ve got two mortgages.”  Raged one of five female sports agents currently in existence, in the study’s concluding remarks.

Whether female athletes are able to break the kindness mold remains to be seen. With the Olympics right around the corner, and global rivalries becoming somewhat notable, perhaps 2012 will be the year of the angry female athlete. But probably there will just be a lot of hugging and handshaking, and good, clean fun.

*Actually brushing dirt off from a community garden she and her teammates planted during half-time of the Women’s World Cup final.

WASHINGTON WIZARDS TO PLAY 2011-2012

Is Gilbert Arenas still on their team? I'm sorry he brought a gun where?

BREAKING: Stunning news out of the nation’s capital.  The Washington Wizards  announced they will indeed play in the shortened 2011-2012 season.  Many speculated the Wizards were far too downtrodden, some would say “pathetic,” to play professional basketball this season.

Even more stunning was the revelation that they have already played 10 games, going 1-9.  However, the teams they claim they played against deny such claims.  The Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics and Orlando Magic all vehemently deny ever standing on the same court as The-Team-Formerly-Known-As-The-Bullets.  “I would never send my guys on the court agains them,” said Celtics coach Doc Rivers.  “Neither team has anything to gain.  It’s like watching a man get tortured when he clearly doesn’t know anything.  We are the people torturing in this analogy.”

Phoenix Suns general manager Lance Blanks vaguely remembered the Wizards at the draft but thought they must have been lost or on vacation.

Fans throughout the city were confused upon receiving free tickets.  “Didn’t they move to Vancouver?  A hockey team did?  I’m fairly positive it was the Wizards,” said Micah Norman.

This used to be famous.

The Wizards might not have much to, allegedly, play for this season; a good draft lies in their future, allegedly.

NBA LOCKOUT ENDS DAY AFTER FAN BUYS NHL JERSEY

Chicago Bulls fan Dennis Colby is furious.  Why would a rabid fan be angry once the lockout ended?  Because he just bought a Chicago Blackhawks jersey.  “I gave up, I said ‘screw it! Dennis you now like hockey,'” said a mad-eyed Colby. “Then it ends? All of a sudden I can watch basketball?  I got twelve Blachawks tickets, a monthly pass to a nearby lot, a jersey…. NOW IT’S ALL USELESS!!”

No matter what anyone ever says, this is a useless item

Colby is one of many disgruntled NBA fans who were so distraught with the pessimism of the lockout they decided to follow the NHL, a sport which lost its 04-05 season and still features labor unrest.  Now these fans wasted their hard earned money and time on tickets and jerseys for hockey teams they have no reason to ever care about anymore.

“NHL? Hockey?” screams Sharon Dieter, a Nuggets fan from Denver.  “I literally learned everyone on the Avalanche? WHY?! Why would I do something so dumb and unenjoyable as learn an entire hockey team’s roster? Because thats what this lockout did to us man! Sure it is over for the league…. but not us…. no…. we are still haunted.”

Local NY fan torn between Rangers and Knicks

NBA fans are torn between keeping their hockey tickets or returning to the NBA.  Needless to say, many were affected psychologically in ways other lockouts never saw, or at least reported.  Numerous cities have even reported homeless people ranting about famous Olympic divers and international Ping Pong players; clearly they are too long gone to ever watch a real sport in peace.  Perhaps with modern medicine we can treat the psychological scars more effectively than past generations who suffered through lockouts.

STAFF BRUSHES UP ON THEIR HOCKEY

The NBA announced all games until Dec. 15th are officially canceled and This Is the Sports’ staff is brushing up on its hockey.  After years of treating the NHL as a second fiddle to our favorite winter past time, all members of staff the spent hours in front of televisions, browsing the internet for articles and learning the rules of the ice game.  Editor Mike Sweeney, having lived with a hockey fan for a year, assured his colleagues the fighting was not only hysterical, but also awesome.  Senior NBA editor Chris Bacarella sweated profusely watching the sport, most likely from a combination of tension and confusion.  He notes 3 key differences: 1) they have on ice skates, 2) the cheerleaders are all overweight, bearded men sitting with regular fans, 3) fighting rules.

This Is the Sports staff: artist unknown

Senior NHL correspondent Karin Graham was brought in for consultation; she arrived with numerous snacks and baked goods.  Upon realizing she had yet to answer a single hockey question, Graham admitted to phoning it in for years as NHL reporter, returned the twelve dollars she owed Bacarella and returned to her nook under the stairs in shame.

NBA fanatic Garron Chiu refused to leave his room, still crying over the loss of the NBA and Community.  “Who will provide the meta humor?* WHO?!?!” screamed the distraught Asian.  College sports expert Rony Josaphat claims he was gaining a feel for the game; when his fellow reporters laughed at this, he asked if it was because “he was the only black guy who liked hockey?”  Luckily everyone on staff remembered something else they had to do.

After rigorous investigation and a 16 hour film session, everyone agreed: Nascar is better.

– Mike Sweeney

Staff: Garron Chiu, Chris Bacarella, Sara Stenchever, Mike Sweeney, Jon Vail, Karin Graham, Rony Josaphat, Chevy Chase

*Who indeed?

LOCKOUT: KEEP SHAQ OFF TV

OMG is she eating a chili dog yum yum yay!

The 50-50 revenue split is still up in the air, but This Is The Sports has learned of another lockout hold up: both sides are stretching the lockout to keep retired, future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal off of television. The Shaqtus signed a TV contract with TNT to be apart of the same crew as Kenny Smith and Charles Barkely; the players are saying “no thanks.” The owners, however, are not happy with the current model of Smith and Barkely coverage. Supporters claim the owners want to even the commentary, while detractors say NBA commissioner David Stern is merely trying to put his stamp on the pre and post game stupidity.

Barkely, the king of the current booth, is absolutely upset at The Diesel’s arrival. His rant on the subject was inaudible, unfortunately. The Big Shamrock responded to Barkely’s comments… also inaudible. But the mumbling was disgruntled…. or sarcastically disgruntled. I think.

Both were used as examples why Barkely and Shaqovic cannot be apart of the pre and post game discussions. However, both Charles and The Big Aristotle broke into a 12 minute discussion of the McRib sandwich which was absolutely hysterical.

The lockout continues to twist and turn.

Now imagine if Shaq Fu was sitting next to Kenny. Shutter….

– Mike Sweeney