St. Peter’s College was ecstatic this morning upon getting invited to the NCAA Tournament. However, it was definitely an accident. NCAA officials have confirmed when creating the guest list to the Dance they accidentally clicked St. Peters, and did not know how to tell the Jesuit University.
“Best case scenario they realize they don’t know anyone in the tournament and don’t show up. Do you think they’ll come with a friend, like Loyola?”
St. Peters, sadly, is thrilled to finally go to a Dance with the popular kids. “OMG! I have never even been in the same room as Syracuse,” said university officials. Friend Manhattan College begged St. Peters to get them with, especially since “everyone there is gonna get laid!”
NCAA knows this yea’s March Madness will likely be one of the all time greats, regardless of St. Peters’ unintentional involvement. “If they show up, fine, but they have to sit in the corner the entire time. They can’t talk with anyone,” said Duke University, throwing it’s arm over girlfriend Louisville and high fiving best bro UNC.
The NCAA released an exciting study today: 2012 has considerably less fewer rapes than 2011. This is great news for the NCAA which as recently as last year faced several rape, child abuse and molestation charges. But this year is a whole new leaf!
“To already be on Day 12 and not a single public charge of rape is a great triumph,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “I think we all deserve a nice, professional, non-violating pat on the back.” 2011 certainly was a down year, with Penn State haunted by child molestation charges, Ohio State students menacingly getting free tattoos, and a Syracuse coach being accused of child molestation. All equally disgraceful acts.
The NCAA hopes to carry this record streak of non-rape charges for another two or three weeks, thus beating its own 2006 record. “That was a great year for us in terms of not abusing children physically and psychologically,” said Emmert. “Maybe one day we can go a whole two months!” Emmert laughed hysterically as every journalist stared at him coldly. “But it’s all very, very sad too.”
The NCAA wants the NBA Player’s Association to know they got their back. NCAA Men’s Basketball officials said “we fully support the union’s attempts to get a fair
Your questions will be given to you!
deal. They are making a better world for basketball players after college.”
Ohio State sophomore Jared Sullinger is excited about the NCAA’s stance. “What does this mean for college athletes? The Player’s Association is fighting for player rights; maybe this means we can also get fair representation whether it be payment, now or deferred, or agents specifically designed to protect our financial and collegiate interests.” Sullinger has been suspended for the season; his case will be reviewed by the NCAA during the 2012-2013 season.
When asked if the NCAA merely wants to dominate the television ratings while the NBA is away, the NCAA responded: “PSH! What? Are you kidding? Come on. Come on, look at me. Look me in the eyes. I’m… I am offended you asked. I can’t even… psh. what? Psh!” Direct quote.
NCAA officials decided the University of Miami’s fate today: a stern talking to followed by a harsh warning.
"The tunnel's on fire!!"
The U is under heavy scrutiny for a litany of NCAA violations over the years, first exposed by Nevin Shapiro. Shapiro, a former booster fallen on hard times, brought Miami down with him after former players refused to aid him financially. The University claims it had no prior knowledge to any NCAA rule violations by its current players.
The NCAA considered a full investigation, suspending multiple players, firing members of the athletic department, and even threatening scholarships. Miami, fearing punishment may permanently hurt their program, took drastic action: they apologized. School officials said “we are truly sorry for these violations. We regret the events of the past few years and will keep a closer eye on our students. Seriously, we feel, like, really really bad.”
After crossing their hearts and holding back tears. the NCAA committee decided a firm tongue-lashing ought to do the trick. The meeting ended with the NCAA reminding Miami they still love them and are just disappointed. Added the NCAA, “right now it’s easy to forget the good people involved withMiamifootball.”
The nation gets excited for some football and pre-season rankings are flooding in. While there are always debates on who is in the best conferences, who has a strong returning class, etc. major media outlets are still picking their favorites. Here’s ours:
1. A Florida team
Look out illegal boosters! Dexter Morgan's coming!
Everything's Bigger In... YES WE KNOW! WE F***ING GET IT!
2. A Texas team
3. Another Texas team
4. A midwest team (from Oklahoma, Ohio or something)
5. A team that should’ve been in a better bowl game last year
6. Another Florida team (but not Miami)
7. Some smaller weird one that has one good year in them
8. A California team
9. Another midwest team (preferably a rivalry with the one above)