POINT / COUNTERPOINT: DWIGHT HOWARD

Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.

QUESTION:  Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight?  Point / Counterpoint!

Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.  

Are you our of your mind?  Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!

Calm down.  Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…

Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!

That’s Dwight Howard. LOOK AT THE SHOULDER MUSCLES!!

It is not torture!  Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion.  He wants the Magic.  He cannot have the Magic.  

He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor! 

Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!

I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.  

Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty!  This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!  

We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons? 

Yes. 

And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?

No one’s debating that…

Then it’s settled: The Joker.  

Jake Gyllenhaal as Stan Van Gundy

But we know where Dwight came from.  The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man.  An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos.  Whereas someone like…

Gilbert Arenas!

Has no origin to speak of.  The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise.  He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!

Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?

I have sources. Journalist’s honor. 

Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.  

Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem. 

I’d still like to see his face slashed open…

What?

Just because this is awesome

Advertisements

BROOKLYN MINOR-LEAGUE TEAMS PUSHED OUT BY INCOMING FRANCHISES

The recent announcement that the New Jersey Nets NBA franchise is to be renamed the Brooklyn Nets, as per its new home in New York City’s most populous borough, was greeted with celebration by some Brooklyn residents, but elicited groans from others–namely, the borough’s minor-league teams, which find themselves threatened by the recent influx of larger, wealthier organizations.

The starting lineup of the Brooklyn Aviators. Of course you've never heard of them!

“The more rich teams that move here, the higher the rent goes,” said Rob Miller, head coach and president of the Brooklyn Aviators, a local single-A hockey team. “I remember when you could find a decent one-team stadium in Park Slope for under $50 million. The community’s changed so much since then. The sports community, I mean.”

The Nets are not the only major-league franchise setting up shop in the borough. Following the enthusiasm generated by the name change, the New York Knicks announced that they would also be relocating to Brooklyn; Knicks owner James Dolan cited a desire to be somewhere more “authentic” and “down with what’s going on in the street” as having influenced the decision. Meanwhile, the New York Yankees have just settled on a new location in Williamsburg, with sources close to the front office indicating that the neighborhood’s cultural vibrancy is its main draw. General Manager Brian Cashman specifically is said to have been fixated on being in the area “just in case Das Racist ever does that Paul’s Boutique show for real.”

Even the borough’s beloved Dodgers may be returning. That franchise moved to Los Angeles in 1958 in search of mainstream success, but has reportedly found the other members of the NL West to be, like, total airheads.

This has left Brooklyn’s minor-league organizations in a precarious position. The Brooklyn Kings basketball team has already folded under the pressure; its facilities were bought out by the Nets for the purpose of being converted into parking lots for Barclays Center parking attendants.

Many local businesses have found themselves caught up in the area’s transformation as well. Adam Hankewycz, manager of a Dick’s Sporting Goods in Brooklyn Heights, says that he ends up having to stock two classes of equipment: High-end, ultra-sophisticated gear for the majors; and, for the minors, more affordable items, such as leather football caps and Dixie-brand protective paper cups.

The major-league franchises, however, show few signs of being deterred by these issues. When asked about the plight of lower-level teams–and about the possibility that this whole situation could be seen as a ridiculously un-subtle metaphor for the gentrification of Brooklyn as a whole–Nets part-owner Jay-Z dodged the question, offering only an assurance that the borough would, in one form or another, go hard.

Jay Z doing his best impression of "subtlety"

– Matt Hoffman

Related: James Dolan hires Eric Mangini as Knicks coach.