Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft took to the podium to confirm rumors about a locker room incident featuring several Patriots’ players ganging up on WR Wes Welker. “The decision to discipline Wes was mine and mine alone. I felt that this loss could have been avoided and that the course of action we took was in the best interest of the franchise for the long and short term. The Patriot Way must and will be upheld as long as I am in control.”
According to earlier reports, Welker was walking out of the shower after the Patriots loss on Sunday when teammates Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and had Wilfork sit on his stomach with a tennis racket. After Wilfork got up, Gronkowski emptied an entire bottle of syrup on Welker’s chest. All while this was happening, fellow teammates were chanting “Awful Waffle!“. Paramedics were called to the scene by a locker room attendant, but they arrived too late to save Welker from being very sticky and embarrassed. Welker has not been seen since Superbowl XLVI and calls placed to his management were not returned as of this morning.
“Wes is a great friend and teammate. I would do anything for the man,” said Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, “That being said, he deserved everything that was given to him. He needs to catch the ball during that situation. That was our best opportunity of the night…well, aside from me missing Deion Branch on that crossing route, or when I under-threw Gronkowski, or when Hernandez dropped that one at the end, or that safety I took on the first play of the game, or…Shit! Is that Vince? Is he holding syrup!?”
“I am aware of the situation that occurred Sunday night and I am working with Patriots’ officials to gather all of the facts,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “As far as any fines, we may go in a different direction for a punishment. I’m working with Camp Anawanna Executive Director Dr. Kahn at this time. He may have the current whereabouts of Zeke the Plumber. We’ll then put the perpetrators out in the woods with Mr. the Plumber and have them spend the night. Anyone who has their head plunged will receive a $50k fine. That’s the idea at least; we’re still firming things up with the NFLPA at this time.”