Patriots Brass Confirms that Wes Welker was Disciplined after Superbowl Loss

Vince? Is that you? Vince...?

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft took to the podium to confirm rumors about a locker room incident featuring several Patriots’ players ganging up on WR Wes Welker.  “The decision to discipline Wes was mine and mine alone.  I felt that this loss could have been avoided and that the course of action we took was in the best interest of the franchise for the long and short term.  The Patriot Way must and will be upheld as long as I am in control.”

According to earlier reports, Welker was walking out of the shower after the Patriots loss on Sunday when teammates Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and had Wilfork sit on his stomach with a tennis racket.  After Wilfork got up, Gronkowski emptied an entire bottle of syrup on Welker’s chest.  All while this was happening, fellow teammates were chanting “Awful Waffle!“.  Paramedics were called to the scene by a locker room attendant, but they arrived too late to save Welker from being very sticky and embarrassed.  Welker has not been seen since Superbowl XLVI and calls placed to his management were not returned as of this morning.

Pretty much, yeah.

“Wes is a great friend and teammate.  I would do anything for the man,” said Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, “That being said, he deserved everything that was given to him.  He needs to catch the ball during that situation.  That was our best opportunity of the night…well, aside from me missing Deion Branch on that crossing route, or when I under-threw Gronkowski, or when Hernandez dropped that one at the end, or that safety I took on the first play of the game, or…Shit! Is that Vince?  Is he holding syrup!?”

“I am aware of the situation that occurred Sunday night and I am working with Patriots’ officials to gather all of the facts,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “As far as any fines, we may go in a different direction for a punishment.  I’m working with Camp Anawanna Executive Director Dr. Kahn at this time.  He may have the current whereabouts of Zeke the Plumber.  We’ll then put the perpetrators out in the woods with Mr. the Plumber and have them spend the night.  Anyone who has their head plunged will receive a $50k fine.  That’s the idea at least; we’re still firming things up with the NFLPA at this time.”

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TEBOW CANNOT UNDERSTAND LOSS

So why was Tebow the role model again?In an odd scene outside the Denver Broncos practice facility, Denver quarterback Tim Tebow met with the press upbeat and ready for his upcoming playoff game against the New England Patriots.  “You dream about these games all your life and when you get the chance to play in them, you just want to go out there and give it your all,” said a smiling Tebow.  When asked about the Broncos 45-10 loss against New England this past weekend, Tebow appeared to be confused, “Coach Fox said that was just a scrimmage.  And good thing it was; I played pretty awful in it.  We’ll shake it off and get ready to make some adjustments for when we get them again this weekend.”

“Honestly, management felt it was best if Tim didn’t know that we got knocked out of the playoffs,” said Denver Head Coach, John Fox, “We were afraid that if he lost, there could be a chance of him denouncing his religion, getting into meth and crack, and being found somewhere dead, with hookers, or with dead hookers.  The NFL has a great star in Tim Tebow; we didn’t want to be the reason for his supernova.”

Tom Brady is a great QB, but I feel like that I’m just as good on the football field,” continued Tebow when asked about the Patriots, “I mean, when you watch Sportscenter, they show highlights of me all the time.  That has to tell you something about my football playing ability.”  Broncos owner and former player John Elway will be giving the annual state of franchise speech this Wednesday.  When asked about the Tebow playoff contingency plan, Elway was vague in his answer.  “Right now, we’re going to try and keep Tim in the film room preparing for this weekend.  We have some ideas for how to approach the situation: telling him that Jesus won the Superbowl, telling him that the Superbowl was cancelled and every NFL team will do community service, using a neuralyzer and creating a new memory for him.  Whatever we do, it’s in the best interest of the league to make sure he doesn’t find out that he sucks.”

STEELERS GO AS PATRIOTS FOR HALLOWEEN; 17 INTERCEPTIONS IN GAME

Hines Ward? More like Awk Ward.

Ben. Tom. Ben. Tom. It's like they're twins!

The Pittsburgh Steelers took the field yesterday dressed as the New England Patriots. Unfortunately, they were playing the actual Patriots. Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said the stunt was a Halloween costume and they “should have known the Patriots wouldn’t dress up.” Added QB Ben Roethlisberger: “maybe we were getting in their heads a little bit. But it was funny! We definitely won the costume contest.” The Steelers quarterback went as Tom Brady, wearing a Brady jersey and mop head as the long locks. He was especially proud of the mop head.

The Pats arrived at the stadium without any sort of costume; some of the players tried to put together an on the spot costume using puns. Linebacker Jermaine Cunningham claimed his all black attire meant he was “high school stage crew” others grabbed sticks insisting they were “melted snowmen.” No one bought it.

Once the initial confusion settled, both teams took the field in a 25-17 win by the Pats. There were 17 interceptions.

During his postgame press conference, Roethlisberger went on a 25 minute, unprovoked rant about

Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall went all out: jersey, pads, cast, making himself white

how Halloween was his favorite holiday because the ladies “dress like sluts.” Big Ben foamed from the mouth and began massaging his own nipples.

– Mike Sweeney

“SPECIAL TEAMS” DEEMED OFFENSIVE

In an official ruling by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the term “special teams” has been deemed offensive and will no longer be used. “For too long we have used derogatory language to describe our nation’s punters, kickers, returners and long snappers,” proclaimed Goodell. “Not to mention the horde of backup lineman and linebackers.” The term describes the transitional plays during football such as punt, kickoff and return plays. Former Seahawks longsnapper Matt Overton, and tricksnap aficionado, said “in 2007 I refused to move to the back of the bus with the rest of the special teams. We had our own lockers, our own water bottles, our own towels… We were second class citizens and we said ‘no more!'”

This man is a pro

This is a great triumph for those who’ve long felt disheartened by the treatment of these players. “We’re like a powerplay team in hockey, or playing man-up in basketball,” yelled Chicago Bears return legend Devin Hester, “not some bastard child field goal and units and backup players!” Even Patriots coach Bill Belechik admitted he was thrilled, as he repeatedly has used many starting players on special teams in order to “make it less retarded.”

For those who do not think special teams matter, the 2010 Chargers went 9-7 despite a league leading offense and defense; their special teams was so retarded they still missed the playoffs. Potential name changes include: TACTICAL POSITIONS; TRANSITIONAL GAMESMAN; ESSENTIAL RESERVE DEPLOYMENT; FUN TIME FAST GUYS

Related:

– Mike Sweeney

For more exciting special teams news, see longsnapper.com.

“SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO ASKED” AN ESSAY ON SPORTS’ GREATEST LOVE

We should hang out sometime.

Five words changed the course of Boston social history.  Cripplingly shy growing up, Pats QB Tom Brady still hadn’t totally shaken the crimson mumblies after being catapulted to stardom.  The young star figured his newfound fame would lead women to him, and resolved to go out with the first woman who asked.  But for a very long time, no one did.

Who will love him? WHO?!?!

Through countless off-season merchandise signings and public appearances,* Tom waited for someone to ask if he wanted to go to visit the library, or take a walk through the Common, or just ask what he was doing that weekend. “Whenever I’d catch a woman looking at me, she’d freeze and look away, or shriek and start texting on her phone, or yell ‘I LOVE YOU TOM!’ and then duck behind her friends.  No one asked me to come over to their table or join them or anything.”  As Brady spoke, he looked wistfully off into the distance.

"Abutwha?"

“When they started asking for pictures with me, I’m like ‘alright, here we go,’ but then they’d just take the picture, smile, and scamper away.”  His relationship with actress Bridget Moynihan, friends say, began while both were milling around the snack table at a mutual friend’s get together.  “She held up a bowl of dried fruit and said ‘want a date?'” a member of Moynihan’s inner circle said.  “By the time she realized the misunderstanding, she was like, ‘what’s the worst that could happen?'”

But one false start does not a drive destroy.  A few months after Tom and Bridget parted ways, the signal-caller was milling about a high-society L.A. shindig when a tall blonde tapped him on the shoulder.  “I saw this amazing pair of eyes.  Time slowed down.  Then she opens her mouth and says…have you seen my phone?”

Gisele blushes at the memory. “I had it out when I was sitting down, and left it there when I got up.  That spot ended up being Tom’s party perch,” she says.  Brady handed the phone back, and Gisele thanked him.  She turned to leave, but then, on a whim, turned and uttered the phrase that launched a thousand headlines.  “We should hang out sometime.”

After asking if she was sure, Brady gleefully accepted.  Months later, when he told her about his promise to himself, she was stunned.  “I guess she was the only one with the oves to walk up and ask,” he says with a shrug.  “The day after we met I was out walking, and this girl at a stoplight sticks her head out the window of her car and yells ‘Marry me, Tom!’ and I said to myself, ‘damn. If you had asked yesterday, you’d be my fiancee right now.'”

Ed Note: Awww…..

–Rony Josaphat

*Related:

WILFORK 2ND INT HYSTERICAL; SLIGHTLY LACKING

Vince Wilfork’s second interception in 3 weeks was wonderfully entertaining, if not a bit lacking. Fans enjoyed the spectacle, but have come to expect more from the tubby, pass-happy lineman.

His last INT allowed numerous terminal patients the confidence to end their  difficult lives; “doesn’t get much better than ‘run fatty fun!'” claimed 89 year old Abigail Nesbit. “But… we already saw that great run last week… this week he needed to up the ante and I’m afraid he didn’t quite do that.” Byron Mallory, 41, said he was disappointed he could still feel his intestinal cancer despite Wilfork’s grab. “I was pain free I was laughing so hard at that goof! But this time I really felt my cancer. Vince Wilfork let me down.”

Wilfork vows to pick his game up; next week he plans 2 interceptions,a flip into the end zone, followed by a Lambeau Leap.

Link:

– Mike Sweeney

WILFORK’S HILARIOUS INT LETS PATIENTS DIE HAPPY

Yay death!

Patriots nose tackle Vince Wilfork made a superb interception and run yesterday causing enough joy to let many fans die happy. Multiple patients in New England intensive care units have giddily pulled their own plugs shortly after watching the lineman stubble downfield in a riotous display of chubby glory. “Don’t get me wrong… HAHA, he’s a great athlete for his size… BUT JESUS!! HAHA!!” said 81 year old Angela Knope. “Guess that’s all there is to see! Later world!” Knope then released her walker and leaned ou the window. “It was like the end of Die Hard where to dude falls out the window, only she was smiling,” said a nurse.

Patients were pulling their own plugs and overdosing laughing hysterically, happy, not sad, to finally end it all. “No regrets! Thanks Wilfork!” screamed Ethan Jessup as he rolled his wheelchair down a flight of stairs.

Wilfork said he’s happy to end the suffering of so many. And that he “finally caught one! YAY!”

The video:

Wow. It is actually… It’s really funny! I mean… what could be funnier? Why even tr….