METS FRANTICALLY TRYING TO STOP PLAYERS FROM KILLING SELVES

New York Mets personnel are frantically trying to stop Mets players from killing themselves.  Knuckleballer and default ace R.A. Dickey announced he was going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro this offseason; however, he told teammates he intended to jump off once he gets to the top.  “My entire Mets career has been one daredevil stunt after another.  Honestly, merely walking on to the mound at Citifield seemed like a death sentence.”

Dickey’s stunt is not an isolated incident.  David Wright has been seen in starting fights in biker bars along the New Jersey Turnpike and Route 22.  The former All Star hopes a good maiming will derail his Mets career forever.  “The past two seasons I have been experimenting with drugs and juggling knives in the locker room.  And all I did was drop off a few home runs?  Time to get drastic.”  Many Mets players claimed new Marlins shortstop Jose Reyes used to put forks in electrical sockets “every chance he got.”  The Marlins report no such problems.

R.A. Dickey searching for snakes to "lather up in"

Mets officials reached pitcher Johan Santana‘s home only to have the former Cy Young winner run away from them attempting to light himself on fire.  Sanatana, who has carried lighter fluid with him at all times since joining the Amazins’, claims he misplaced the fluid must have been replaced with regular water by someone else.  Team officials tackeld the pitcher and brutally beat him into submission to save him from himself.   When Johan woke up in the hospital, he was told he had a torn MCL and ACL.

The Mets expect the injury to “heal up in 3 to 4 days!”

BRAVES EXCITED / FURIOUS THEIR COLLAPSE GOT LESS COVERAGE

Give these pathetic men some damn respect already!

As more and more dirt comes out about the Boston Red Sox collapse and their possible involvement in the Holocaust, there is one team none too happy: the Atlanta Braves. “We collapsed just as badly, if not worse than those boys and what do we get? Nothing!” yelled an irate Tim Hudson. “It’s all regional bias,” claims Derek Lowe. “When I was with Boston and the Dodgers, our collapses were stuff of legends. Down here? No one cares. And that’s not good for the game.”

Many agree: former Red Sox manager Terry Francona thinks it is time for the media to relax on Boston sports. “They accused me of being addicted to pills. I. WAS. NOT. EVEN. ON. THE. FIELD.”

If anything, the Braves provided an even worse scenario; they lost to Tony LaRussa‘s Cardinals. LaRussa will surely use this as proof to defend his constant over-managing and inability to use less than four pitchers an inning. “They did not lose, we won,” said LaRussa. When a This Is The Sports reporter reminded him those mean the exact same thing, LaRussa snarled, clawed then retracted into his cave.

Yup. They lost to a team managed by Sloth from Goonies

The Braves will be haunted by the nation’s passive reaction to their pathetic September display. But also are worried for 2012. “The Mets look horrible,” said second baseman Dan Uggla. “Knowing them, we could blow a ten game lead in a week and people will still talk about how s***ty they are.”

The small market teams have to bite the bullet yet again.

– Mike Sweeney