NFL GETS DRUNK, SHOWS UP AT SAINTS’ TO “PARTY”

The NFL showed up in New Orleans extremely intoxicated late last night looking for a “fun time” with former flame the New Orleans Saints.  However, the Saints were not having it.  The two were formerly a hot item as recently as 2010 when the two had a steamy relationship starting the night of the Super Bowl.  Recently, the two have not been friendly.

Yeah, they totally banged.

Sources say ever since the bounty scandal the two have not spoken, even though the NFL has texted the Saints numerous times.  The NFL has recently asked LSU for some advice, but they sided with their close friend.

Still begging for the Saints love, the league got hammered in the city and showed up at the Superdome at 4:37 am, screaming for the Saints to come out.  The franchise reluctantly opened the door, only once the NFL broke down into tears begging for forgiveness.  Once inside, the Saints cracked open a bottle of wine and the two talked about Brees, bounties, Sean Payton and even a little bit about coach Bill Parcells.

The Saints, admittedly against better judgement, downed the drin and had one last go with the league; “one for the road” so to speak.

The NFL could be seen drunkenly stumbling out of the stadium early in the morning.  The Saints would not comment and said they are “fully committed to themselves right now.”

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BUCCANEERS SET TO PLACE THE FRANCHISE TAG ON TIFFANY

Sex Appeal

Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ GM Mark Dominik took to the podium this morning to announce the team’s decision on where to place their franchise tag for 2012.  “After a long heated debate and in looking at our roster, it was clear that we had to keep Tiffany the cheerleader on the squad for the 2012 season.  She was an asset that we were not ready to part with and we hope it pays off in the long run.”  The franchise tag will put Tiffany in the top 5 median of NFL Cheerleader salaries, which comes to $70 a game.

There was speculation that the club would place the tag on 4 year veteran PK Connor Barth, however, sources from inside the Buccaneers’ war room said that the plan was changed at the last minute because “it would have been the gayest use of the franchise tag ever”.  When asked about the future for Barth, Dominik reflected “Let’s be honest, the NFL is a business. The owners know it, the players know it, the fans know it as well.  I can say that this was 100% a business decision from our standpoint.  We are in a down economy and we had to ask ourselves a couple of tough questions about what would generate revenue.  What is going to sell more lower level, season tickets: Connor [Barth] booming 50 yard field goals during warm-ups or Tiffany wearing a scantily-clad pirate outfit shaking and gyrating her moneymakers for all of God’s green Earth to see?  We had to go with the sure thing.”  Barth could not be immediately reached for comment and he was last seen drinking heavily behind a Long John Silvers.

Very little to no sex appeal

Fans and players reactions were all supportive of the decision.  “Dude, she got some big knockers.  I can see why they kept her around,” said Gerry Simpson from Clearwater, FL, “I’m a Bucs fan whenever they are relevant, otherwise I don’t care and go fishing.  But shit, I’ll watch the games every now and then if she’s going to be on the sideline.  As long as it’s not on the same time as Cops.”  QB Josh Freeman added his thoughts to the discussion, “Connor is a real stand-up guy; everyone appreciates his contributions over the past couple years.  But as Mr. Dominik said, you have to keep the important pieces in order to win a championship.  That’s our focus and we have the personnel to..ah fuck it, we suck.”

Patriots Brass Confirms that Wes Welker was Disciplined after Superbowl Loss

Vince? Is that you? Vince...?

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft took to the podium to confirm rumors about a locker room incident featuring several Patriots’ players ganging up on WR Wes Welker.  “The decision to discipline Wes was mine and mine alone.  I felt that this loss could have been avoided and that the course of action we took was in the best interest of the franchise for the long and short term.  The Patriot Way must and will be upheld as long as I am in control.”

According to earlier reports, Welker was walking out of the shower after the Patriots loss on Sunday when teammates Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and had Wilfork sit on his stomach with a tennis racket.  After Wilfork got up, Gronkowski emptied an entire bottle of syrup on Welker’s chest.  All while this was happening, fellow teammates were chanting “Awful Waffle!“.  Paramedics were called to the scene by a locker room attendant, but they arrived too late to save Welker from being very sticky and embarrassed.  Welker has not been seen since Superbowl XLVI and calls placed to his management were not returned as of this morning.

Pretty much, yeah.

“Wes is a great friend and teammate.  I would do anything for the man,” said Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, “That being said, he deserved everything that was given to him.  He needs to catch the ball during that situation.  That was our best opportunity of the night…well, aside from me missing Deion Branch on that crossing route, or when I under-threw Gronkowski, or when Hernandez dropped that one at the end, or that safety I took on the first play of the game, or…Shit! Is that Vince?  Is he holding syrup!?”

“I am aware of the situation that occurred Sunday night and I am working with Patriots’ officials to gather all of the facts,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “As far as any fines, we may go in a different direction for a punishment.  I’m working with Camp Anawanna Executive Director Dr. Kahn at this time.  He may have the current whereabouts of Zeke the Plumber.  We’ll then put the perpetrators out in the woods with Mr. the Plumber and have them spend the night.  Anyone who has their head plunged will receive a $50k fine.  That’s the idea at least; we’re still firming things up with the NFLPA at this time.”

SPORTS-NUT UNCLES TO DRINK UNTIL MARCH MADNESS

The biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, is over leaving many sports fanatics with no recourse but to drink incessantly until college basketball’s March Madness begins.  Following the big game and media event the only available sports are the NBA and NHL stretch runs, which in no solid terms, fucking suck.

"Listen to me now....!"

“I’m not even a Giants or Pats fan,” said Browns season ticket holder Marty Servick.  “But the Super Bowl is the best day of the year, and this year it was an amazing game!  Now what am I going to do?  Watch LeBron James play two and half quarters against the Hornets?  Let’s bet on whether or not the Phoenix Coyotes fold mid game or Ovechkin acts like a doushebag.*  No thanks.”  Marty says the only solution is to sit in a recliner and drink alcohol, preferably something with a “LITE” in it, until the “Tourny” begins.

*No bet.  But it’d be Ovechkin.  

Many fans made pacts to huddle in the same living rooms while eating anything fried or underneath melted cheese.  “The calendar works as follows,” proclaimed cheese-head leader Craig Boyle:

“New Year’s Day.  Preparation for da Super Bowl.  Da Super Bowl.  Boozernation.  Dat’s hibernation and booze in da same word.  Den Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, which is great.*  Den March Madness where we all root for our alma mader or anyone dat’s not Kentucky or Duke.  Den baskebtall playoffs and hockey playoffs month 1 begins.  Month 2.  Den da Finals o’ both.  Den baseball… so it’s like boozernation only mostly outside.  Den training camp.  Den pre-season.  Den football.”

*Everyone nods in agreement.  

Year well spent.

The cheering after Boyle’s speech lasted for a few seconds as each man fell asleep in his recliner with cheese hanging from his mouth.

In some religions this is heaven, in others it is Uncle Bert's house

PARALYZED, BRAIN DAMAGED STAR THINKS TODAY’S PLAYERS ARE WUSSES

Paralyzed, brain damaged former NFL star Byron Jones thinks today’s players are wusses.  After hearing about Sidney Crosby‘s continued absence from the Pneguins lineup, Twins first baseman Justin Morneau still suffering from concussion symptoms nearly two years after the event and the NFL eliminating two-a-day practices in accordance with the new collective bargaining agreement, Jones thinks sports have gone soft. “Nom nom men hit nommynom,” mumbled and slurred Jones through his feeding tube. “In our day we… I think… WHO ARE YOU?”

Multiple analysts agree: “players are not tough like they used to be,” said 180 pound 50 year old Skip Bayless.  “Players should never think about their future, their lives.  How can they keep their head in the game when they are worried about ‘life after the game?’  Bradshaw never worried about what a mockery and laughingstock he’d be years after his playing days.”

Indeed.

Thank goodness for guys like Byron Jones.  And thank goodness back in the day medical professionals did not know better than to stand in his glory seeking ways, agents and managers did not remind him of his next contract when they knew Dallas was coming up this week, and coaches and fellow players knew real injuries mean you could not walk.

Thanks to the former players, the greats, the legends who are willing to speak up about players not being as tough as they used to be.  It is always good to know that when some player beats a hallowed record, it is because the entire league is not as good as it once was, so said record is not nearly as impressive.

And thanks to the fans, analysts and armchair quarterbacks of the world for knowing exactly what they would do if they were in that situation.  Without their insight and ability to fairly judge their own actions in situations they may never be in, we would never be able to find out who is a quitter, a faker, a wuss, a complainer and a goat.  If we can learn one thing from Byron Jones’ nomming, it is nothing ever bad happens to heroes running full speed, head first into 250 behemoths for our entertainment.

If it did then Skip Bayless would just be talking nonsense.

COUGHLIN TO RYAN: STOP THE PRANK CALLS

The Battle for New York City took another surprising twist yesterday with a plea from Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin.  “I want to take care of a personal matter at this time before I answer any questions about the upcoming game.  Rex, please stop prank calling me and my assistant coaches.  We know it’s you and frankly, it’s extremely childish.”  When asked to clarify about the phone calls, “He’s calling us pretending to be all sorts of characters from Brady to my Mother.  He uses the same voice every-time and doesn’t try to disguise it.  Once was in all good fun; now it’s just harassment.”

The Jets denied any wrong doing, saying that the phone calls occurred on a private residence.  “We are doing an internal investigation right now and will not accuse anyone at this time,” Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said when asked about Coach Ryan’s actions, “Rex has been known to prank call people in the past, but there was never malicious intent.  We will stand by our Head Coach until we have all the facts of the case.”  Sources inside the Jets organization have hinted that this episode was brought on by the Giants recent win in the NFC Championship game.  Coach Rex Ryan had invited some players over to watch the contest.  Alcohol and illicit drugs have not been ruled out as a contributing factor.

Below is a transcript of one of the prank calls received by Coach Couglin.  The following contains graphic language:

2:37 AM

Tom Coughlin: Hello?

Caller #1: (Yelling) HEY FAGGOT!  It’s Bill!

TC:  Bill?  Wait, Bill Belichick?

1: Of course, who’d ya think?  Congrats on beating the red team.

TC: Oh the Niners?  Yeah, they were a great team and I think our guys really showed…

1: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up.  I’m going to beat you in the superbowl, ball face!  Get it?  Your face looks like a pair of balls!

Caller #2: (Background) No No!  Tell him you’ll put your balls on his face.

1: (Background) Shut up, I got this, Mark!

TC: Am I on Speaker?  Is there someone else on the line?

1: O shit, um yeah!  Of course, Brady is hear with me.  We like kissing each other (Laughter)

TC: O Ok…?

2: And we like touching butts.

1:  (Laughter) Yeah, I forgot about that.  We touch our butts together all the time.  And watch “Twilight” movies.

2: (Snorts something) Holy Shit!  That’s so gay!  Brady and Belichick are gay!  Why would they do that?

TC: Ok, well I’m going to go now.  I have to watch film…

1: Wait, quick question-

(Click)

Gun to my head, I totally would.

2:51 AM

TC: Hello?

1: It’s gay Bill again!  I said I had a question!

TC: I don’t think this is Bill-

1: Shut up.  Marry Fuck Kill- Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  GO!

TC: Wait what the Hell?!

1: Don’t think, just answer!

2: Rex, he knows!  Hang up!

TC: Wait, Rex!?  Is that you?!  Cut this out NOW!

1: If you don’t marry Gandalf, you’re a faggot!

(Click)

Aww, what are you gonna cry, Baby? Cry for me, Baby, CRY!

3:26 AM

TC: Rex, I swear to God I’ll go public with this.

1: You’re so old.  You’re going to die soon!

TC: Don’t say that.

1: You probably smell old.  Old, smelly, sooner dead guy!

TC: I’m hanging up, Rex.

1: FUCK!  I just want to win a Superbowl.  Fucking people are making fun of me.  You’re making fun of me.

TC: I’m not making fun of you, Rex.

1: Yes you are!  You and everyone else is being mean and I hate it.  It’s not my fault; It’s the offense.  Sanchez, Schottenheimer, Burress.  I hate them all!

TC: Hey, come on now, cut that out.  We’re not all being mean to you.

1: (Sobbing and snorting) I don’t want to be couch anymore…Sancehz is a poop head.

TC: Stop that.  Come on, Rex.  Listen, I promise I’ll defend you and the Jets if you please stop calling me tonight.

1: You…You would do that?

TC: I promise.

1: Wow…thanks Tom.  You know what I just realized?

TC: What’s that?

1: You probably can’t have sex because your dick is so old and wrinkly.

TC: You’re an asshole.

1: Old Dick! Old Dick! Old Dick!

(Click)

JAGS OWNER: I’M NOT GENE SHALIT

I'm the real Khan!

At a press conference this morning, Jaguar’s owner Shahid Khan became enraged when a third member of the media asked him for his take on the new movie “Joyful Noise”.  “Stop asking me for movie reviews, God damn it!  For the last time, THAT’S Gene Shalit; I’M Shahid Khan.  I own the Jaguars; I don’t even like movies!” explained Khan, “I will be happy to answer anyone who has any questions regarding our upcoming off season or anything else NFL related.  Anyone with movie questions, please leave immediately!”  The press conference promptly ended after the statement.  “I find it extremely rude that ‘Mr. Kahn’ didn’t take my question seriously,”  said Brian Stenson, the media personnel that prompted the outburst, “I know he retired from The Today Show 2 years ago, but I don’t think it was out of line to ask his opinion.  The guy couldn’t have been a bigger jerk about it.”

Khan, who became majority owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars on January 4th, has had a rough start with the Jaguar’s fan base in his early tenure.  Last Thursday, Mr. Khan stated that a true fan of the team was “a Jaguar’s season ticket holder“.  The Jaguar’s were 24th in attendance for the 2011 NFL season, a statistic that is shocking considering that they were 5-11 and had Blaine Gabbert as their Quarterback.  This most recent episode brings another black eye to a franchise who is trying to rebuild and change it’s image.

Don't Listen to Him! FOR I AM THE REAL KHAN!!

“I’m not in the position to comment on Mr. Khan’s comments earlier this morning,” said Jaguar’s GM Gene Smith, “I can comment on ‘Joyful Noise’.  I thought it had great story-telling and was a lot of fun!  I went into it thinking ‘Now what on God’s green earth could Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton have in common?’ and came out realizing a lot about myself as a person.  It’s not about our race or culture; it’s about our community, family, and the magic of music bringing together people of all backgrounds!  If I were coach, game film gets replaced by this and every other Queen Latifah movie.”  Jaguar’s Head Coach Mike Mularkey could not be reached for comment.

“Mr. Khan is a great businessman and will be a great owner in this league,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “We’ll probably fine him $50k for his comments and $200k for Mr. Smith’s action of actually going to see ‘Joyful Noise’.  I’m also going to try to fine everyone who acted or worked on that sad excuse of a movie.  I’m then going to take the money collected from all the individuals and produce ‘Marmaduke 2: Bark in the Saddle’.  James Harrison will play the voice of the villain, Professor Pussycat.  He will be fined for his role in trying to bring down Marmaduke‘s hilarious adventure to Sea World.  It will be a delightful romp.”