RYAN MATTHEWS AFRAID TO JOIN CHARGERS ROSTER, CANNIBALISM

"After every touchdown I find a handicapped person in the audience and throw the ball at their stupid face! GO CHARGERS!"

During a recent interview Chargers running back Ryan Mathews seemed very optimistic about making the squad but began to shiver when asked about fellow running back Mike Tolbert.  Mathews was quoted as saying that Tolbert is a “good running back, a better one than I’ll ever be. You can print that…. know what you should print that.” Mathews then began to sweat profusely and demand that no further questions be asked in regards to Tolbert and immediately ran off because “he left the kettle on.”  Tolbert was supposedly interviewing simultaneously and stopped his interview when Mathews fled, leaving this reporter to wonder if there was more going on behind the scenes.

When asked if there’s something going on between him and Mathews, Tolbert claimed that it was “nothing to worry about” and that he “ate all of Ryan Mathews’s kids.”  When pressed further, Tolbert said he was “probably going to eat Ryan Mathews pretty soon” and “kind of hungry” while rubbing his belly.  He then proclaimed that Mathews should “get out of my way you dumb-ass, I’m going to go eat Ryan Mathews with a healthy side of barbecue sauce” and “don’t make me eat you, too.”  Norv Turner could not be reached for comment.

– Phil Silberman