TEBOW FORGIVES BRADY QUINN

Broncos starting quarterback Tim Tebow has officially forgiven backup QB Brady Quinn for controversial comments the latter made about The Tebow earlier this week.  In a recent GQ article, three Quinn quotes reflected negative pinions of Sir Tim, especially questioning his humility.  But He Who Is Tebow is not deterred.

At a press conference explaining his remarks, Quinn said he felt misrepresented in the article, when a bright light broke through.  Mr. Tebow solemnly entered, nay… floated…. through a cloud of smoke.  But no one feared, they were calm.

Tebow approached the podium where Quinn, the NFL’s best backup QB to come from Notre Dame, stood in disbelief.  “What sorcery is this?” questioned a skeptical Qunn.

Dr. Tebow, Esq. offered his hands to Quinn in forgiveness.  The backup QB was brought to tears and fell to his knees.  Tebow, He Who is Quarterback, lifted his teammate and told him to “rise.”  Then, in an act of brilliance and forgiveness, Tebow TEBOWED in front of Quinn.

Thou Art Tebes spoke without a microphone, yet all could hear him,* and they understood the two are teammates and nothing could drive a wedge between them.

*Like all of Denver could hear him.  It was weird.  

Quinn  ended the press conference by saying he believes n Tebow and will never betray him again.  Thine Tebow responded “FUCK NO YA WON’T!” and lit Quinn on fire.

Never ignite the arsonist wrath of Holy Tebow May He Live Forever.

JESUS CHRIST REPLACED AS COORDINATOR; TEBOW UPSET

 

Jesus. As a greaser. And English.

Broncos offensive coordinator Jesus Christ has been replaced. Following an 18-15 win against the Miami Dolphins and first start of the season for quarterback Tim Tebow, John Fox fired his play caller. “We got away with a win Sunday,” said Fox. “But I felt this was the right move.” Christ, better known as a defensive whiz, was a favorite of Tebow’s to call miracle based plays, such as the wobbly 15 yarder and the improbable scoring drive. Christ has been criticized this year for not maximizing Kyle Orton’s strengths; some even say it was a plot to get Tebow under center.

“I’ve long been a fan of his style of play,” said Tebow. “The short runs and spread offense is definitely something I worship in a coordinator and lord and savior.”

Christ, recently seen as a head coaching favorite, does not think this firing will end his football career. “Most likely I’ll look for some college openings. Lets be honest, Notre Dame will probably fire this guy at the end of the year and they’d love to have me.”

– Mike Sweeney

LIFELONG FAN FINALLY ADMITS NOTRE DAME NOT THE SAME TEAM IT WAS IN 1949

Senior citizen Wally Smith, 78, admits Notre Dame is not what it used to be. After years of defending the Fighting Irish as the greatest team in “all the land,” Smitty, as he’s known to his friends, realized Notre Dame may have finally jumped the shark. “They just don’t look like they got it in them. From the 30’s all the way until 2010 I’d wager they were contenders every season. Not this year,” remarked the saddened senior. But, of course, like all the Fighting Faithful, he holds out hope: “it could just be a one year thing. They’re retooling for next year. I hear the freshmen class is full of defenders! It’ll be 1949 all over again!”

Smitty spent the next twenty minutes searching for his old record player to “celebrate the Dame!”

– Mike Sweeney

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON POWER RANKINGS

College football is here! Warm feelings all around!

The nation gets excited for some football and pre-season rankings are flooding in. While there are always debates on who is in the best conferences, who has a strong returning class, etc. major media outlets are still picking their favorites. Here’s ours:

1. A Florida team

Look out illegal boosters! Dexter Morgan's coming!

Everything's Bigger In... YES WE KNOW! WE F***ING GET IT!

2. A Texas team

3. Another Texas team

4. A midwest team (from Oklahoma, Ohio or something)

5. A team that should’ve been in a better bowl game last year

6. Another Florida team (but not Miami)

7. Some smaller weird one that has one good year in them

8. A California team

9. Another midwest team (preferably a rivalry with the one above)

10. Not Notre Dame

– Mike Sweeney