TEBOW, JETS, REX, FEET, SANCHIZE….

Tim Tebow’s trade to the Jets, Sexy Rexy Ryan’s locker room rounded shit show, has created too much.  It is almost a gift from the comedy gods.  Or a curse.  It literally makes no football sense.  It makes only media circus sense.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone loves him.  We could not figure out how to cover this… so here’s our attempt:

REX RYAN NAMES EVERY WILDCAT PLAY AFTER PORN STARS

TEBOW BEGS REX RYAN TO STOP LICKING HIM

JETS HOPE TEBOW CAN MOTIVATE SANCHEZ TO COMPLETE 40% OF HIS PASSES

SANCHEZ RELIEVED TO KNOW BACKUP QB IS “DEFINITELY WORSE THAN ME”

JETS CUT EVERY RECEIVER

NEW YORK MEDIA GIVES UP ON SOURCES, WILL WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT

JETS EXPECT PUNTING, LOTS OF PUNTING

UUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

TEBOW MEETS JETS FANS, GIVES UP ON RELIGION

REX RYAN FORCES TEBOW TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES

NEW YORK MEDIA FIRST TO EVER HAVE SEX WITH TEBOW

TEBOW KEEPS WINKING AND SMILING, REPULSING JETS FANS

REX RYAN GOES TO TEBOW’S CHARITY EVENT “TO GET PUSSY”

TEBOW REPLACES SANCHEZ AS NEW YORK’S WORST PASSER AND ELI AS DUMBEST GUY WHO ALWAYS SMILES

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COUGHLIN TO RYAN: STOP THE PRANK CALLS

The Battle for New York City took another surprising twist yesterday with a plea from Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin.  “I want to take care of a personal matter at this time before I answer any questions about the upcoming game.  Rex, please stop prank calling me and my assistant coaches.  We know it’s you and frankly, it’s extremely childish.”  When asked to clarify about the phone calls, “He’s calling us pretending to be all sorts of characters from Brady to my Mother.  He uses the same voice every-time and doesn’t try to disguise it.  Once was in all good fun; now it’s just harassment.”

The Jets denied any wrong doing, saying that the phone calls occurred on a private residence.  “We are doing an internal investigation right now and will not accuse anyone at this time,” Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said when asked about Coach Ryan’s actions, “Rex has been known to prank call people in the past, but there was never malicious intent.  We will stand by our Head Coach until we have all the facts of the case.”  Sources inside the Jets organization have hinted that this episode was brought on by the Giants recent win in the NFC Championship game.  Coach Rex Ryan had invited some players over to watch the contest.  Alcohol and illicit drugs have not been ruled out as a contributing factor.

Below is a transcript of one of the prank calls received by Coach Couglin.  The following contains graphic language:

2:37 AM

Tom Coughlin: Hello?

Caller #1: (Yelling) HEY FAGGOT!  It’s Bill!

TC:  Bill?  Wait, Bill Belichick?

1: Of course, who’d ya think?  Congrats on beating the red team.

TC: Oh the Niners?  Yeah, they were a great team and I think our guys really showed…

1: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up.  I’m going to beat you in the superbowl, ball face!  Get it?  Your face looks like a pair of balls!

Caller #2: (Background) No No!  Tell him you’ll put your balls on his face.

1: (Background) Shut up, I got this, Mark!

TC: Am I on Speaker?  Is there someone else on the line?

1: O shit, um yeah!  Of course, Brady is hear with me.  We like kissing each other (Laughter)

TC: O Ok…?

2: And we like touching butts.

1:  (Laughter) Yeah, I forgot about that.  We touch our butts together all the time.  And watch “Twilight” movies.

2: (Snorts something) Holy Shit!  That’s so gay!  Brady and Belichick are gay!  Why would they do that?

TC: Ok, well I’m going to go now.  I have to watch film…

1: Wait, quick question-

(Click)

Gun to my head, I totally would.

2:51 AM

TC: Hello?

1: It’s gay Bill again!  I said I had a question!

TC: I don’t think this is Bill-

1: Shut up.  Marry Fuck Kill- Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  GO!

TC: Wait what the Hell?!

1: Don’t think, just answer!

2: Rex, he knows!  Hang up!

TC: Wait, Rex!?  Is that you?!  Cut this out NOW!

1: If you don’t marry Gandalf, you’re a faggot!

(Click)

Aww, what are you gonna cry, Baby? Cry for me, Baby, CRY!

3:26 AM

TC: Rex, I swear to God I’ll go public with this.

1: You’re so old.  You’re going to die soon!

TC: Don’t say that.

1: You probably smell old.  Old, smelly, sooner dead guy!

TC: I’m hanging up, Rex.

1: FUCK!  I just want to win a Superbowl.  Fucking people are making fun of me.  You’re making fun of me.

TC: I’m not making fun of you, Rex.

1: Yes you are!  You and everyone else is being mean and I hate it.  It’s not my fault; It’s the offense.  Sanchez, Schottenheimer, Burress.  I hate them all!

TC: Hey, come on now, cut that out.  We’re not all being mean to you.

1: (Sobbing and snorting) I don’t want to be couch anymore…Sancehz is a poop head.

TC: Stop that.  Come on, Rex.  Listen, I promise I’ll defend you and the Jets if you please stop calling me tonight.

1: You…You would do that?

TC: I promise.

1: Wow…thanks Tom.  You know what I just realized?

TC: What’s that?

1: You probably can’t have sex because your dick is so old and wrinkly.

TC: You’re an asshole.

1: Old Dick! Old Dick! Old Dick!

(Click)

ELI MANNING ABANDONS NFL, TAKES POST AS WISHING WELL DIVER

At a recent press conference, Abby McGrew, wife of famed New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, declared that her husband would be retiring from the NFL in favor of a position at a local mall. When asked about which position specifically, McGrew hushed her voice and muttered, “He’s going to be diving for change in wishing wells.”

The news comes to a shock to the Giants and the NFL at large, as Manning had just wrapped up the best season of his career and was instrumental in his team’s hard-fought playoff berth.

McGrew continued to answer questions as her husband sat next to her, completely silent and engrossed in a game of Temple Run. Asked about the motivation behind her husband’s career move, McGrew forced out a painful admission: “To be honest, money’s a bit tight right now. Eli and I decided that it was time for our family to start bringing home some real income.”

Manning’s 6-year, $97.5 million contract in 2009 seems to be more than enough for the average family. However, McGrew informed the media that her husband’s paychecks, though lucrative, were not making it home: “Ever since Eli entered the NFL, he’s found it hard to get his checks from accounting to our house. He tends to… lose them.”

WOO! Payday! Time to get this to the --

-- what smells like turkey? *investigates* *loses check*

A flurry of questions erupted from the media, at which point Manning paused his game and indignantly defended himself: “Checks are so tiny! You forget them in your pants, they get washed. You host a bonfire, they get kindled. That’s why I’m switching to wishing wells. Change makes noise when you carry it around, it’s impossible to lose. You can’t hear checks. Duh.”

As the press conference drew to a close, Manning regained his composure and expressed his optimism for the future. “Seven years of ouchball and I didn’t earn a dime. Then I stop by the mall one day for some day-old Auntie Anne’s, and I find $7.34 in one of the fountains.”

The fountain that made Mark Brunell the best quarterback in New York.

Manning paused, and smiled. “That’s how you know God is watching over you.

ELI: GIANTS SHOULD TRADE FOR BUZZ LIGHTYEAR

Giants quarterback Eli Manning took to the press today saying he believes the G-Men need a number 1 receiver, and that receiver should be Buzz Lightyear. “His combination of speed, quick feet and jet pack should make us so good and cool and fun!” said an ecstatic Eli. The Giants have been searching for that elusive number 1 target since the departure of Plaxico Burress as Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham do not seem like answers and thus undeserving of hyperlinks.

Lightyear, currently with Star Command, could not be reached for comment; every time a reporter walked into the room he reverted to toy mode, Lightyear has a reputation of being elusive to the media and human contact. But Manning is still convinced. “He would be so awesome and he can do Spanish Buzz dance when he catch da ball! YAY!”

Coach Tom Coughlin said the Giants are looking into multiple options; ever since the Plaxico shooting incident the Giants are wary of any player with a laser gun, no matter how fake.

– Mike Sweeney

ELI HAS “FUMBLE” AND “INTERCEPTION” ON WRIST BAND

"Eli go in locker room? Let me check...."

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning‘s wrist band has ten options: number 4 is interception and number 9 is fumble. This surprised Giants coaching staff, especially Tom Coughlin, who was thoroughly impressed Eli had gotten up to 10.

“It’s not what the options are that matters, it’s that Eli recognizes he can do many different things,” said a damage controlling Coughlin. “We worked all off season on writing down ideas that help, rather than using his brain.”

Fans were not happy though, that Eli even included two horrific decisions, but again, Coughlin stood by his QB: “Its option four! FOUR! Would you rather it be higher? It’s not 2010 anymore!”

Eli left the wrist band in the shower. Usually Manning never removes the band, as on the back it features detailed instructions on how to get home, his weekly grocery list and his social security number.

Tom Brady has a picture of himself modeling; Matt Hasselbeck has sudoku; Philip Rivers has porn

– Mike Sweeney

ELI MANNING ANGRY HE’LL MISS TWO AND A HALF MEN PREMIERE

Giants QB Eli Manning is furious his Monday Night Football match up against the St. Louis Rams will force him to miss the premiere of Two and a Half Men on CBS. The show is a favorite of Manning’s and he’s been waiting eagerly to know what happens since the Charlie Sheen debacle. “He’s dead now! That’s so crazy,” said the giddy quarterback. “I can’t wait to see what happens. That show is so amazing. Honestly, if you rewatch some of the earlier episodes, you see a lot of stuff you missed.” Manning is TIVO-ing the episode and asked reporters to not reveal any “spoilzies!”

– Mike Sweeney