AMAR’E STOUDEMIRE BLEEDS ON FIRE

Amare’s Basbeball stitching tattoo

Knicks center / forward Amar’e Stoudemire injured his right hand in the locker room after punching glass in front of a fire extinguisher.  However, many players now defend Stoudemire’s life svaing decision: “There was a small fire near Carmelo‘s locker,” says defensive player of the year Tyson Chandler. “Amar’e is a smart guy: he knows the safest way to put out a fire is to slash open your hand and bleed on it.”

“Fire extinguishers are notoriously unreliable,” says head coach Mike Woodson.  “Good thing Amar’e took a few classes on fire safety: blood puts out fires.”

This is the second heroic incident Amar’e has pulled since arriving in New York.  Last season a little girl lost her cat in a tree.  Stoudemire arrived at the scene, immediately slashed open his hand and bled all over the little girl.  While the cat was never seen again, she never missed her cat again.

The armed services repeatedly asked Mr. Stoudemire to travel to Iraq and bleed on IED’s, but it would interfere with the regular season.

Stay a hero Amar’e.  Stay a hero.

The Amare we deserve, but not the one we need right now

BROOKLYN MINOR-LEAGUE TEAMS PUSHED OUT BY INCOMING FRANCHISES

The recent announcement that the New Jersey Nets NBA franchise is to be renamed the Brooklyn Nets, as per its new home in New York City’s most populous borough, was greeted with celebration by some Brooklyn residents, but elicited groans from others–namely, the borough’s minor-league teams, which find themselves threatened by the recent influx of larger, wealthier organizations.

The starting lineup of the Brooklyn Aviators. Of course you've never heard of them!

“The more rich teams that move here, the higher the rent goes,” said Rob Miller, head coach and president of the Brooklyn Aviators, a local single-A hockey team. “I remember when you could find a decent one-team stadium in Park Slope for under $50 million. The community’s changed so much since then. The sports community, I mean.”

The Nets are not the only major-league franchise setting up shop in the borough. Following the enthusiasm generated by the name change, the New York Knicks announced that they would also be relocating to Brooklyn; Knicks owner James Dolan cited a desire to be somewhere more “authentic” and “down with what’s going on in the street” as having influenced the decision. Meanwhile, the New York Yankees have just settled on a new location in Williamsburg, with sources close to the front office indicating that the neighborhood’s cultural vibrancy is its main draw. General Manager Brian Cashman specifically is said to have been fixated on being in the area “just in case Das Racist ever does that Paul’s Boutique show for real.”

Even the borough’s beloved Dodgers may be returning. That franchise moved to Los Angeles in 1958 in search of mainstream success, but has reportedly found the other members of the NL West to be, like, total airheads.

This has left Brooklyn’s minor-league organizations in a precarious position. The Brooklyn Kings basketball team has already folded under the pressure; its facilities were bought out by the Nets for the purpose of being converted into parking lots for Barclays Center parking attendants.

Many local businesses have found themselves caught up in the area’s transformation as well. Adam Hankewycz, manager of a Dick’s Sporting Goods in Brooklyn Heights, says that he ends up having to stock two classes of equipment: High-end, ultra-sophisticated gear for the majors; and, for the minors, more affordable items, such as leather football caps and Dixie-brand protective paper cups.

The major-league franchises, however, show few signs of being deterred by these issues. When asked about the plight of lower-level teams–and about the possibility that this whole situation could be seen as a ridiculously un-subtle metaphor for the gentrification of Brooklyn as a whole–Nets part-owner Jay-Z dodged the question, offering only an assurance that the borough would, in one form or another, go hard.

Jay Z doing his best impression of "subtlety"

– Matt Hoffman

Related: James Dolan hires Eric Mangini as Knicks coach.

BLOGGERS HOPE NBA LOCKOUT ENDS; CAN’T STAND FAMILIES

STFU NOOBS! The internet has gone haywire.

Following the cancellation of the first two weeks of the NBA season, NBA bloggers are going off the deep end. The bloggers, mostly middle aged men looking for a non-sexual, drug related escape from their horrifically mundane family lives, are struggling to get their precious NBA back. “We dedicate hours every day watching the games, then staying up late to blog on it ordo it the next morning when we should be at work,” said Hornets blogger CP3-PO. “How am I supposed to look my kid in the eye? Seriously. I never have.”

Others enjoyed the family time this recent off season gave them. “We only had the occasional ‘lockout’ update so it has been a slow few months,” said Kings blogger Techsheed Wallfoul. “My wife just had twins in September but… come on enough’s enough.” “Have you seen the s*** my kid watches on TV? It’s horrible!” cries Knicks blogger MeloMare. “I want my TV! I will punch him in the face if I have to watch more Blues Clues!”

The spouses are just as concerned: “many male and female bloggers learn to split their internet and normal lives,” said Julie Burkitz, a local psychologist. “But the more this lockout goes on the more I hear about angry couples screaming memes at each other and the other does not know why. Damn you David Stern. Are you proud of yourself?”

Many bloggers are forming an OCCUPY STERN STREET movement to stand outside NBA office sin Manhattan. However, most bloggers needed a ride to the event and there was “no chance in hell” they’d ask their wives.

– Mike Sweeney

JAMES DOLAN HIRES ERIC MANGINI

Take a look at my FINGER!

Knicks owner James Dolan has hired Eric Mangini as head of the New York Knicks. Dolan cited Mangini’s experience coaching in New York when he was with Jets, his years under defensive mastermind Bill Belichick and his no nonsense approach to coaching football. “All these things should make the Knicks a better basketball team,” said an enthusiastic and sober(?) Dolan.

Dolan thinks Mangini can reinvigorate Carmelo Anthony and really get the best out of Dikembe Mutumbo. Mutumbo, of course, is the legendary center who is currently retired and last played for the Knicks in 2003. When asked if he knew this, Dolan claims he has no idea who Mutumbo is and firmly denied ever talking about him. Dolan then reminded the crowd that JD and the Straight Shot have an upcoming gig and they “totally need to be there! Say my name at the door and tickets are half off!”

Mangini elaborated that he’s honored to coach this franchise and lead them to the playoffs. Bill Belichick heard the news this morning and is currently lobbying to be Boston Celtics coach just to “kick Mangini’s fat ass.”

– Mike Sweeney