WOMEN SLEEPING WITH JETER GET GIFT BASKET… AND F***ED BY DEREK F***ING JETER

Yankees shortstop and captain Derek F***ing Jeter reportedly gives gift baskets and signed memorabilia to women he spends the ::ahem:: evening with.  The Motherf***ing Captain recently ended his years long relationship with actress Minka Kelly, supposedly after seeing her “act” on ABC’s Charlie’s Angels reboot.*

“Look, if this was some regular guy in a bar, a CEO or even Derek Jeter, this would be frowned upon. But this is Derek F***ing Jeter we’re talking about,” said doorman Fred Costello.

Derek The F-Bomb Jeter

Professional attractive woman Amber Stokes claims she had a relationship with the F***ing King of the Yankees: “It was a great time. We met at a bar, had a few drinks, then went back to his place.”  She elaborated: “I wasn’t offended at all getting the gift basket. It’s Derek F***ing Jeter. Just talking to the F***ing Yankees Hit King would be enough but noooo.”

This Is The Sports writers immediately crossed their legs and leaned in as one** brave writer asked the question we all had on our minds: “did he use former Yankees heroes names?”  “Oh I get it,” said Amber, “because he and the Yankees are all about history, very funny. But yes he did. He demanded I wear a mustache and he called me Munson.”

Man.  Wish I could be Derek F***ing Jeter.

*Come on! SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIES!!

**He will remain anonymous***

***It rhymes with Wony.****

****It’s Rony. 

YANKS TO ADD “MORE BIG NAMES” THIS OFF-SEASON

The New York Yankees off season began early this year and their plan is loud and clear: MORE BIG NAMES. The pinstripes plan on making a “more than generous” offer to anyone they have heard of; you got a name, you’re getting a check.”We’re going to give every free agent $12 million and then we can begin negotiations,” said aggressive GM Brian Cashman. “We want everyone to know we’re going to aggressive on the free agent front. Especially with stars this year.”

Aaaaaand HIGH FIVE!

Former rival and possible free agent (he has a club option) David Ortiz woke up Tuesday morning with $40,000 in singles lying in his bed. “All I saw was a pinstriped note saying ‘hey'” cited Ortiz. “It was kinda creepy.”

The Bronx Bombers won’t stop there: Cliff Lee has reportedly told the Yankees every day for the past month that he is not eligible for free agency this year. “We. Don’t. Care,” said president Randy Levine. “Cliff Lee will be a Yankee next season [Levine immediately stared into our reporter’s eyes] whether he likes it or not.”

Pitching is the number one priority for next season, which is why the Yanks have already sent formal offers, $12 million in cash and birthday cake to the homes of Mark Buehrle, Bruce Chen, Edwin Jackson, Rich Harden, Brett Favre and David Beckham.

– Mike Sweeney

BROOKLYN MINOR-LEAGUE TEAMS PUSHED OUT BY INCOMING FRANCHISES

The recent announcement that the New Jersey Nets NBA franchise is to be renamed the Brooklyn Nets, as per its new home in New York City’s most populous borough, was greeted with celebration by some Brooklyn residents, but elicited groans from others–namely, the borough’s minor-league teams, which find themselves threatened by the recent influx of larger, wealthier organizations.

The starting lineup of the Brooklyn Aviators. Of course you've never heard of them!

“The more rich teams that move here, the higher the rent goes,” said Rob Miller, head coach and president of the Brooklyn Aviators, a local single-A hockey team. “I remember when you could find a decent one-team stadium in Park Slope for under $50 million. The community’s changed so much since then. The sports community, I mean.”

The Nets are not the only major-league franchise setting up shop in the borough. Following the enthusiasm generated by the name change, the New York Knicks announced that they would also be relocating to Brooklyn; Knicks owner James Dolan cited a desire to be somewhere more “authentic” and “down with what’s going on in the street” as having influenced the decision. Meanwhile, the New York Yankees have just settled on a new location in Williamsburg, with sources close to the front office indicating that the neighborhood’s cultural vibrancy is its main draw. General Manager Brian Cashman specifically is said to have been fixated on being in the area “just in case Das Racist ever does that Paul’s Boutique show for real.”

Even the borough’s beloved Dodgers may be returning. That franchise moved to Los Angeles in 1958 in search of mainstream success, but has reportedly found the other members of the NL West to be, like, total airheads.

This has left Brooklyn’s minor-league organizations in a precarious position. The Brooklyn Kings basketball team has already folded under the pressure; its facilities were bought out by the Nets for the purpose of being converted into parking lots for Barclays Center parking attendants.

Many local businesses have found themselves caught up in the area’s transformation as well. Adam Hankewycz, manager of a Dick’s Sporting Goods in Brooklyn Heights, says that he ends up having to stock two classes of equipment: High-end, ultra-sophisticated gear for the majors; and, for the minors, more affordable items, such as leather football caps and Dixie-brand protective paper cups.

The major-league franchises, however, show few signs of being deterred by these issues. When asked about the plight of lower-level teams–and about the possibility that this whole situation could be seen as a ridiculously un-subtle metaphor for the gentrification of Brooklyn as a whole–Nets part-owner Jay-Z dodged the question, offering only an assurance that the borough would, in one form or another, go hard.

Jay Z doing his best impression of "subtlety"

– Matt Hoffman

Related: James Dolan hires Eric Mangini as Knicks coach.

PHILLIES / YANKEES CINDERELLA SEASONS END EARLY

Hearts were broken over the weekend: both underdog New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies‘ seasons came to an end. The ne’er-do-wells finally had that season that could end their championship droughts; the Yankees since 2009 and the Phillies since, oh boy, 2008.

A-Rod.... will his suffering end?

The Cinderellas managed to get to the playoffs with only 196,854,630 and 172,976,381, respectively; only 90 and 70 million more than 20 other teams. Can’t run on magic forever.

Yankees lost on a dramatic 9th inning strikeout to Alex Rodriguez, who struggled to only make more than the Marlins roster this year.* The Phillies ended with a torn ACL to perennial 40-homer, $20 million dollar man Ryan Howard.

Hopefully, with some generous ownership and a craving fan base, the brass of both teams will do everything they can to finally put the beleaguered franchises over the top!

I totally can touch my toes... AH! MY ACL! MY ACL!

*Even the Royals roster made more money than A-Rod. 

– Mike Sweeney

THAT’LL DO BABE, THAT’LL DO

Hall of Famer and baseball icon Babe Ruth rose from his grave today with a thirst for blood. However, during the Bambino’s undead rampage he expressed repeated disappointment the film “Babe” is about a pig.

Sad Ruth

“It’s just a derogatory metaphor,” commented the obese, undead slugger. “I know I have a weight problem, but a pig? Really? Can a pig get into the Hall of Fame? Can Air Bud hit 60 f***ing home runs in a season? It’s disappointing.” Hollywood is already responding to Ruth’s comments by casting for a more accurate film portrayal of the Sultan of Swat; a walrus is the favorite to play the lead. When asked if this would appease the zombified baseball great, he replied “BRAINS!” and ate twelve people on a bus.

– This Is The Sports Staff

YANKEES STILL UNSURE WHY MORE MONEY DOES NOT MAKE PLAYERS BETTER

After years of dominating on and off the field, the New York Yankees finally admit they are not quite sure why more money does not make players “better.” Owner Hank Steinbrenner, president Randy Levine and GM Brian Cashman stared at one another blankly through a confusing press conference as all three were visibly stunned. “We’ve been doing this a long time and after years of research, we’ve discovered no matter how much money a player receives, he will typically perform as he usually performs. Sometimes better but shockingly, sometimes worse,” said Cashman reading enthusiastically from his report.

I'm telling you, this Betancourt fella is the next Mantle!

Steinbrenner took it a step further: “When you sign a guy to lots of money, that means he is the best ever.” The crowd of reporters nodded to the obviousness. “But we’ve found many players do not excel despite the money they have. Look at Giambi, Burnett. Makes no sense.” Furthermore, there is no solution in sight. “We’re not sure how to remedy this… possibly more money? Or make the money somehow ‘better.'”

Cashman than listed a few examples: Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, Jason Giambi, Kyle Farnsworth*, Javier Vazquez, Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Rafael Soriano, AJ Burnett, Javier Vazquez,**Pudge Rodriguez. He ended the list by saying “etcetera” twelve times. “A-Rod’s the highest paid player in

Everyone gets a Hug!

the league and… I’ll just say it, his best days may possibly be behind him.”

The room trembled, shook and grumbled at this last realization.Reporters immediately had questions: “Then why give them that money?” “Are you overvaluing players?” “Everything I once held dear is meaningless!”

The executives tried to calm the crowd by saying their beloved athletes are not overpaid, just exponentially compensated. “They’ll do their best as we lower our expectations and take it all in stri…” Immediately Marcos Ramblin of the Post throw threw a Molotov Cocktail screaming: “Who watches the Watchmen!!!”

– Mike Sweeney

*Ran out of links

**Again

TEIXEIRA, YOUKILIS GO TO KEYS PARTY LIVEN YANKEES-SOX RIVALRY

Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira and Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis were seen at a “keys” party in Brooklyn, NY late last night. Both players were with their wives / significant others. The reason? To try and bring some zest to the stale Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.

“It’s just not the same,” said a bitter Youkilis. “You do all you can do but at the end of the day, they’re swell guys.” Teixeira also longed for the days of hatred: “I remember Varitek and A-rod slugging it out during a game and thinking ‘that’s why you play the game.’ But those days are gone. John Lackey is the definition of a sweetheart.”

FunFunFunFunFunFunFun

The keys party idea was Youkilis’, who originally suggested wife swapping or simply random acts of breaking into each others’ houses and taking the others wife. But with travel schedules and fatigue, it did not make logical sense; hence the planned event. “Hopefully we will get each other’s wives and snog her so good she begins yelling the other’s name during sex. I know I’d hate every single Sox player after that!” said a giddy Tex. “If not, we still get our fuck on.”

Sadkilis

The idea originated from rumors that Matt Holliday and Albert Pujols had a consensual three way with an unknown member of the Cincinnatti Reds leading to Cincy’s recent competitive resurgence. Word around the league is multiple Cubs players force their wives to dress “like ho’s” but so far no fish have bitten.

– Mike Sweeney