RAIDERS WANT TO NIX PALMER TRADE

The Oakland Raiders are looking to forgive and forget the Carson Palmer trade completed last week after realizing “he kind of sucks.” Raiders coach Hue Jackson called the Bengals immediately following yesterdays 28-0 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. “We had not seen him play in so long, he’s really bad… It’s been years since 2006,” said a distraught Jackson, referring to Palmer’s last great season. “I’ve been talking with the Bengals, hopefully we can work something out to send Palmer back and forget this whole thing ever happened. It was sort of a dick move on their part.”

Please don't send me back there.... please god no....

The trade was hailed as a genius move by the Raiders following Jason Campbell‘s season ending injury; Palmer refused to play for the Bengals and demanded a trade or he would retire. Bengals owner Mike Brown refused to trade Palmer, until a desperate Oakland needed the QB. Win-win for all. “Until he started playing…” said Jackson, with a tall drink in hand.  Palmer replaced Kyle Boller in the fourth quarter and managed to match Boller’s 3 interception performance in only one quarter of play. Impressive, really. The Bengals could not be reached for comment as they were reportedly “jumping up and down like little girls, smoking cigars and handing out hundred dollar bills to each other.”

– Mike Sweeney

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AL DAVIS DIES, FIRES COACH OVER WEEKEND

Al Davis had a busy as ever weekend: the Oakland Raiders  owner died Saturday afternoon and followed up by firing Raiders coach Hue Jackson on Sunday following a win. Classic Al “just win baby” Davis, not letting a win or death get in the way of some poorly timed personal shakeups.

So full of life....

Davis is expected to temporarily coach the team in spectre form.

Related: All the Whos in Whoville rejoiced this morning singing around a Christmas tree after Davis’ death.

– Mike Sweeney

ROGER GOODELL MAKES TERRELLE PRYOR “DANCE” FOR HIM

I like my QB's to be hour-glass shaped

Commissioner Roger Goodell announced he is significantly lowering Terrelle Pryor’s suspension after making the former Ohio State QB “dance” for him. Goodell invited Pryor into his office yesterday and “gave the boy a fair deal.” Pryor, still visibly shaken, said Goodell “sat in the dark smoking a cigar. He looked like a James Bond villain or something… and then… then…” Pryor ended the interview there.

Sources claim Pryor slowly unbuttoned his shirt, but Goodell never “really reacted” until he moved toward the pants section. The commissioner demanded the young man slowly disrobe and “shake it like a whore” for him. Pryor began crying as Goodell licked his tears off his face slapping the young QB’s ass…. Our sources are unsure how many times exactly he was slapped.

Goodell then swiftly took the shaken QB to a dark alley, inside a limo where, presumably, the pair set off for a meeting with the NFL owners.

– Mike Sweeney