BIG TEN TO CHANGE NAME TO “BIG TEN√-1”

PARK RIDGE, ILL– Describing their situation as “complex,” Big Ten Commissioner James Delaney has decided to finally adjust the conference’s name after two decades of their moniker belying the actual number of member universities.  The commissioner announced the move in a 5:38 am ET conference call to major news organizations, to which he was forty-five minutes late.

This announcement came a year after Delaney marked the inclusion of the organization’s 12th football program, The University of Nebraska-Lincoln, with a split into two divisions, named “Legends” and “Leaders.” Delaney said that, considering the realignment taking place in college football, he couldn’t say for sure whether the number of teams in the Big Ten√-1 would grow or shrink in the near future, and that this was the best way for his forward-thinking conference to adapt.

Big Ten√-1 Commissioner Delaney.

Reaction at member institutions was mixed.  Students at Purdue and Northwestern hailed the move, while a student at Ohio State, when asked about the name change, grinned vacantly before running to a trash can to throw up. Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, perhaps confused at the early hour, initially responded harshly to the move on Twitter, tweeting, “if this overgrown union thinks that they can radicalize in my state, they must be imagining things.”  The governor later issued a retraction.

At the close of the conference call, Delaney, seemingly suppressing giggles, reiterated that the conference’s new official name for publication was in fact “Big Ten√-1,” and should be printed as such.  He gave no word on whether the conference would accept “Big 10i.

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NCAA: CONSIDERABLY LESS RAPES IN 2012 THAN 2011

Sorry my sign language is rusty

The NCAA released an exciting study today: 2012 has considerably less fewer rapes than 2011.  This is great news for the NCAA which as recently as last year faced several rape, child abuse and molestation charges.  But this year is a whole new leaf!

“To already be on Day 12 and not a single public charge of rape is a great triumph,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert.  “I think we all deserve a nice, professional, non-violating pat on the back.”  2011 certainly was a down year, with Penn State haunted by child molestation charges, Ohio State students menacingly getting free tattoos, and a Syracuse coach being accused of child molestation.  All equally disgraceful acts.

The NCAA hopes to carry this record streak of non-rape charges for another two or three weeks, thus beating its own 2006 record.  “That was a great year for us in terms of not abusing children physically and psychologically,” said Emmert.  “Maybe one day we can go a whole two months!”  Emmert laughed hysterically as every journalist stared at him coldly.  “But it’s all very, very sad too.”

RELATED: Bomani Jones on college football playoff.

UPDATE: We have finally reached the point where grammar Nazis are on the site…. yay.

ROGER GOODELL MAKES TERRELLE PRYOR “DANCE” FOR HIM

I like my QB's to be hour-glass shaped

Commissioner Roger Goodell announced he is significantly lowering Terrelle Pryor’s suspension after making the former Ohio State QB “dance” for him. Goodell invited Pryor into his office yesterday and “gave the boy a fair deal.” Pryor, still visibly shaken, said Goodell “sat in the dark smoking a cigar. He looked like a James Bond villain or something… and then… then…” Pryor ended the interview there.

Sources claim Pryor slowly unbuttoned his shirt, but Goodell never “really reacted” until he moved toward the pants section. The commissioner demanded the young man slowly disrobe and “shake it like a whore” for him. Pryor began crying as Goodell licked his tears off his face slapping the young QB’s ass…. Our sources are unsure how many times exactly he was slapped.

Goodell then swiftly took the shaken QB to a dark alley, inside a limo where, presumably, the pair set off for a meeting with the NFL owners.

– Mike Sweeney

NCAA DEFENDS NBA LOCKOUT

The NCAA wants the NBA Player’s Association to know they got their back. NCAA Men’s Basketball officials said “we fully support the union’s attempts to get a fair

Your questions will be given to you!

deal. They are making a better world for basketball players after college.”

Ohio State sophomore Jared Sullinger is excited about the NCAA’s stance. “What does this mean for college athletes? The Player’s Association is fighting for player rights; maybe this means we can also get fair representation whether it be payment, now or deferred, or agents specifically designed to protect our financial and collegiate interests.” Sullinger has been suspended for the season; his case will be reviewed by the NCAA during the 2012-2013 season.

When asked if the NCAA merely wants to dominate the television ratings while the NBA is away, the NCAA responded: “PSH! What? Are you kidding? Come on. Come on, look at me. Look me in the eyes. I’m… I am offended you asked. I can’t even… psh. what? Psh!” Direct quote.

– Mike Sweeney

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON POWER RANKINGS

College football is here! Warm feelings all around!

The nation gets excited for some football and pre-season rankings are flooding in. While there are always debates on who is in the best conferences, who has a strong returning class, etc. major media outlets are still picking their favorites. Here’s ours:

1. A Florida team

Look out illegal boosters! Dexter Morgan's coming!

Everything's Bigger In... YES WE KNOW! WE F***ING GET IT!

2. A Texas team

3. Another Texas team

4. A midwest team (from Oklahoma, Ohio or something)

5. A team that should’ve been in a better bowl game last year

6. Another Florida team (but not Miami)

7. Some smaller weird one that has one good year in them

8. A California team

9. Another midwest team (preferably a rivalry with the one above)

10. Not Notre Dame

– Mike Sweeney