Olympic Sprinter Tests Positive for SPANX

World record holder in the 100 and 200 meter dash and reigning “fastest man alive” Usain Bolt tested positive for the popular women’s undergarment accessory favored by single women, new mothers, and female screenwriters. His participation in this year’s Olympic games are now in doubt.

“Spanx’s dynamic combination of seventy percent nylon and thirty percent lycra means that Usain is more aerodynamic than anyone else on the track,” said U.S. track and field men’s coach Andrew Valmon. “This certainly calls into question his legacy and presents the athletic community with yet another performance enhancing obstacle.”

The Olympic racing community hasn’t been this rattled since sprinter Marion Jones was found to have used steroids to help catapult her to the top of the track and field world. Jones had multiple Olympic medals taken away, and spent six months in prison as a result.

U.S. hurdler and fellow London Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones, weighed in saying, “I thought about asking Usain out after the Games. Just something casual outside the Olympic Village where we could really get to know one another. But now that I know his body’s a lie…honestly, the appeal’s kinda gone now.”

Bolt’s PR firm had no comment, except this photo:



Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).


First Selfish Female Athlete in Recorded History Claps for Herself...or Maybe America

First selfish female athlete in recorded history claps* for herself...or maybe America

It all started in 1908, when the first, Super-Secret-Pinky-Swear women’s sports convention was held. Representatives from the original Seven Sisters established a charter stating that female collegiate athletes were required to “treat each other with dignity and respect,” and a whole lot of other bullshit that’s not conducive to sports.

(It was also here that the adorable idea of “role model” was first conceived. “Oh, as if we’re not enough!” raged a coalition of chambermaids, school marms, and hookers protesting outside the convention, as recorded by one of the attendees in her diary later that evening.)

Since then, athletic women the world-over have struggled to assert themselves as competitive, dominant, inventive masters of Sport.

Over the years, there have been a few female athletes with drive, ambition, and a giant pair of metaphorical balls fighting for the right to be appreciated on the playing field. Unfortunately at every turn, they’ve been met with disappointment, snubbed by their more gracious and womanly counterparts. “We really thought Sheryl [Swoopes] was going to be the one to break the glass ceiling. But she ended up being a real class act,” said the world’s most likable aggressive female athlete, during a post-game interview, and on her way to a diabetes awareness benefit dinner. “I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” she shrugged. “Can I get anybody anything before I leave? Everybody good? How are your kids doing?”

Not surprisingly, a recent study comparing the off-season lives of WNBA and NBA players found that female ballers tend to favor quiet domestic pursuits and catching up with girlfriends (the straight kinds), while men enjoy flashier honey-do lists.

(The study was so boring, we couldn’t be bothered to show even one of its many multi-colored pie charts.)

“Would it kill them to just do a little trash talking now and agin, or threaten to sue someone or like, get into a knife fight? Anything! I can’t sell this slop for much longer! Fuck, man. I’ve got two mortgages.”  Raged one of five female sports agents currently in existence, in the study’s concluding remarks.

Whether female athletes are able to break the kindness mold remains to be seen. With the Olympics right around the corner, and global rivalries becoming somewhat notable, perhaps 2012 will be the year of the angry female athlete. But probably there will just be a lot of hugging and handshaking, and good, clean fun.

*Actually brushing dirt off from a community garden she and her teammates planted during half-time of the Women’s World Cup final.


After winning the Olympic bid and pursuing the 2014 start of the Tour de France and 2018 and 2022 World Cup, Qatar is on a roll. However, the United States agreed to ensure Qatar gets the 2022 World Cup if the Arab nation takes the WNBA as well. Qatar has given no response but has until late tomorrow to decide if it will risk having a dunkless, poorly attended league in order to receive the exciting, thrilling World Cup.

Qatar admitted that initially it had no desire to watch “sound fundamentals” but could not resist the idea of having even more events inside its boundaries.* Qatar allegedly inquired the availability of the Paraolympics and Great Outdoor Games.

Sound Fundamentals: Jab! Jab!

The United States has been actively dealing the WNBA since 2008 with little luck. In late 2010, Germany seemed like a logical destination until negotiations fell apart at the last minute.

*Furthering suspicion that Qatar is a hoarder. Rumor has it multiple countries are worried about Qatar’s recent hoarding and unexplainable mood swings.

– Mike Sweeney