PAT RILEY STILL SMILING LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE

A little under a month ago the Miami Heat won the NBA Title and team president Pat Riley is still smiling like a fucking asshole.   The slick haired former Showtime Lakers coach has been walking around Miami with a massive shit-eating grin that makes you want to kick his fucking teeth in; but Riley is not deterred.  “It’s just a great feeling,” understated the total toolbag in a clearly rehearsed speech.  “We all did it. We had a lot going against us but we triumphed.”

Riley has made sure to tip excessive amounts of money, drive with his convertible hoods down and high five random strangers, all smiling like he got free fucking ice cream.

Riley plans on forcing his clearly fake white teeth on every poor motherfucker within walking distance until the 2012-2013 season begins.  Sweet Christ…

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SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney