PEYTON MANNING MEDICALLY CLEARED FOR BEST BUY ADS

Peyton Manning has been medically cleared to perform in Best Buy commercials in 2012.

Manning has had numerous surgeries the past 12 months including as recently as September.  The hall of fame spokesman and SNL host’s commercial career has been jeopardized by the surgery as he missed the entire Fall 2012 audition season; Best Buy president showed concern over Manning’s ability to continue.  “Sure he’s healthy, but we won’t know if he can perform until we start rolling.”

Many speculated Manning would be released from his contract in favor of a much younger, developing sales person, such as Jonah Hill, fresh off an Oscar nod.  We won’t truly know how healthy Manning is until he looks us in the eye, smiles and convinces us Best Buy is the place for tablet computers.

MANNING-GATE: BRONCOS CLAIM THEY “NEVER LIKED TEBOW”

The Denver Broncos are trying to lure in free agent quarterback Peyton Manning despite having QB sensation Tim Tebow.  “Tebow? Seriously, come on. We never really liked him,” said team Preisdent John Elway.  Added Head Coach John Fox: “I never wanted to play Tebow in the first place.  They made me.  They like Tebow.  I like Peyton. Even before he was a free agent I said we should sign him.”

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll..."

The Broncos made it to the AFC Divisional round and lost to the Devil-worshipping Patriots 45-10 behind Tebow’s unconventional throwing motion and accuracy problems.  Team officials and fans all swore behind the Tebow’s “leadership skills and magic” that made them so great.  “I don’t ever want another quarterback!” said John Fox in November.

“I don’t remember that, you misquoted me… never happened but you misquoted me,” said John Fox this morning.

Manning said he will consider all offers before signing.  The Broncos say they are prepared to cut Tebow or worse.

MANNING-GATE: MANNING RETURNS PROMISE SWEATBAND BACK TO COLTS

After being released yesterday quarterback Peyton Manning returned his Promise Sweatband back to the Colts.  The band has the letters PM and IC on it, signifying that the quarterback and franchise would be together forever.  A promise now broken.

Which of these says "forever" to you?

“It was so hard,” said a crying Manning, “but you have to let go to move on.”

Colts officials were seen texting someone after manning left the facility.  When asked who it was, they all immediately said “someone I used to know.”

MANNING-GATE: TEXANS MAKE MATT SCHAUB LINEBACKER

Houston Texans quartback Matt Schaub admitted he is “willingly shifting to linebacker” and that he “always wanted to play that position” and “loves his family so much and just wants to see them and make sure they are okay.”

YEAHBUHWHAAAAAA?

Heavily armed team officials stood behind the sweaty quarterback, linebacker, letting him know it is “okay” and everything “will be fine as long we all cooperate.”

The Texans just announced this morning they are interested in signing free agent quarterback Peyton Manning since Schaub made “his stunning and definitely out of nowhere” decision.

MANNING-GATE: COLTS DRAFT ANDREW LUCK IN MIDDLE OF PEYTON’S FAREWELL SPEECH

The Indianapolis Colts officially drafted Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck in the middle of Peyton Manning’s farewell speech yesterday.  The Stanford QB is seen as a can’t miss prospect and potential franchise quarterback who can lead the team to multiple Super Bowls.

The scene was not without incident, however; unemployed, former SNL host Peyton Manning stood on the stage at the podium and had to forcibly removed.  He was violently detained for several hours to ensure the safety and health of Luck.

"I would just like to say BADURR and it's BADURR to BADURRRRRRR"

Owner Jim Irsay said he hopes to keep Luck in Indy “forever and ever!”

Manning’s glory days:

MANNING-GATE: MARLINS OFFER PEYTON MANNING 100 MILLION

He wears his hat like a ballplayer!

The newly rich Miami Marlins offered free agent quarterback Peyton Manning a 5 year, $100 million deal to come play for their baseball franchise.  Manning was released just released yesterday and cannot officially pick a destination until Tuesday at 4pm eastern.  “We think Peyton would make a great addition to our club,” said President Larry Beinfest.  “His ability to read the pocket, his rocket arm, plus we think he is fully healed and ready to join our club.”

This is yet another splash made by the Marlins after giving shortstop Jose Reyes 110 million (moving incumbent shortstop Hanley Ramirez to third, he was not pleased), closer Heath Bell 27 million and pitcher Mark Buehrle 58 million.  Most thought Manning would sign with the Dolphins, Cardinals, or any other football team, but the Marlins have been a wild card all off season.

The team is moving Hanley Ramirez to catcher.

AFC SOUTH QUARTERBACKS ATTACKED BY AFC NORTH NICKNAMES

Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbart knew it was only a matter of time: jet black, flapping wildly, going straight for his eyes from its

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW STOP!

hiding place under his sink.  “Luke [McCown, former Jags starter] warned me to be careful, and to stay away from the big cat exhibit at the zoo,” Gabbart said at a news conference, “but I had no idea it would happen in my own home.”

The raven attack on the Jacksonvilles’ young QB continues a disturbing trend this NFL season: for reasons unknown, the starting quarterbacks of the teams in the AFC South have been harassed, even injured by the putative nicknames of the AFC North.  Earlier this month, Texans QB Matt Schaub was chased across town by a tiger on the loose from the Houston Zoo.  “It scared the bejeezus outta me,” Schaub recounts. “It chased me for 10 miles up I-45.  I thought I was gonna die.  You joke about death by tiger being an awesome way to go… I was terrified.” Nashville police report numerous complaints from the Hasselbeck residence about menacing calls from Hall of Fame basketball coach Larry Brown.  Brown could not be reached for comment.

It all started in mid-August at the Indianapolis home of Peyton Manning, according to an unnamed member of the Mannings’ domestic staff.  Manning had just exited the shower when he came upon a massive, dirty man in a hard hat, wearing overalls and carrying a long wrench.

It was this guy

“Mr. Manning was like, ‘no, no, my neck, see?’” The source demonstrated, twisting his neck before continuing.  “You could tell he was thinking quick.  Then he was like, ‘uh, it needs surgery! Yeah, that’s it! I’ll be out for the whole season!’ The big dude stared at him for a long time, then turned around and left.”  The night Kerry Collins signed with the Colts his house was broken into.

OMG! He ran right into me! Did you see that?

Police are still looking for a suspect, but in an interview with local affiliate KDKA2, Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl was quick to point out that his city is now more a hub for biomedicine than anything else.  He then let loose a bone-chilling cackle before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet; when the smoke cleared, the mayor was gone!

–Rony Josaphat