GOLFERS TRADE CADDIES

"Smile Jeff" "It's Chris" "Shut the fuck up Jeff"

In a shocking deadline move Bo Van Pelt and Rickie Fowler have swapped caddies. The two world ranked challengers admitted their current slumps called for a change; both caddies were stunned. “Never thought I’d leave that squad ya know,” said one of the teary eyed nameless caddies.* “The team, the bag, the clubs, the golfer… classy organization through and through.” Considering both bag carriers’ current high salaries, which is insane, Van Pelt will also receive a minor league caddy or a high numbered iron to be named later. After completion of the trade neither golfer remembered which caddy was his.

Both caddies cried.

– Mike Sweeney

*He insisted on giving us a name. We insisted we will forget, it does not matter caddy. 

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PGA ENCOURAGES CADDY TO INSULT TIGER SOME MORE

"I make enough to bail out 12 states! But I deserve it!"

The PGA persuaded Tiger Woods’ former caddy Steve Williams to continue publicly insulting the golfer for the good of golf. The PGA has felt a stark ratings decline since Woods’ public revelations of infidelity followed by months of disappointing on-field performance; neither provided the thrilling comebacks that make golf exciting for viewers. So the PGA took drastic measures: told Steve Williams to continue s***ing on Woods.

“We need Mr. Williams to step up for golf and call Tiger a ‘motherf***er’ or make implications that he is a homosexual,” said commissioner Joe Steranka. “Do it not for Woods, but for golf and the children who love it. Call Tiger Woods a ‘prick’ again.”

Williams’ comments drew heavy publicity for golf; attention it has not seen since Tiger’s hey-day. When asked if he violated the caddy-code* Williams said, “I am a caddy, a hired gun, a mercenary with no master. Loyalty means nothing!”

HADOUKEN!!!

Steranka added: “we finally had a villain and amazing champ all at once, that would’ve been ratings gold. Then Tiger goes and sucks. What else can do except drag this on through bitter, pathetic gripes from safeguarded distances?!”

How else indeed?

– Mike Sweeney

*More sacred than scout’s honor or joining the Mafia

TIGER WOODS PLAYS GOLF; THAT’S IT

Tiger returned to the golf course today and did not have sex with anyone or fight or yell. All he did was play golf. He was not even that good.

Tiger swinging for the million billionth time

Seriously. That’s it. 18 holes of golf. For like… five hours.

The highly publicized and televised event shifted to reruns of Frasier.

– Mike Sweeney