YANKS TO ADD “MORE BIG NAMES” THIS OFF-SEASON

The New York Yankees off season began early this year and their plan is loud and clear: MORE BIG NAMES. The pinstripes plan on making a “more than generous” offer to anyone they have heard of; you got a name, you’re getting a check.”We’re going to give every free agent $12 million and then we can begin negotiations,” said aggressive GM Brian Cashman. “We want everyone to know we’re going to aggressive on the free agent front. Especially with stars this year.”

Aaaaaand HIGH FIVE!

Former rival and possible free agent (he has a club option) David Ortiz woke up Tuesday morning with $40,000 in singles lying in his bed. “All I saw was a pinstriped note saying ‘hey'” cited Ortiz. “It was kinda creepy.”

The Bronx Bombers won’t stop there: Cliff Lee has reportedly told the Yankees every day for the past month that he is not eligible for free agency this year. “We. Don’t. Care,” said president Randy Levine. “Cliff Lee will be a Yankee next season [Levine immediately stared into our reporter’s eyes] whether he likes it or not.”

Pitching is the number one priority for next season, which is why the Yanks have already sent formal offers, $12 million in cash and birthday cake to the homes of Mark Buehrle, Bruce Chen, Edwin Jackson, Rich Harden, Brett Favre and David Beckham.

– Mike Sweeney

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PHILLIES / YANKEES CINDERELLA SEASONS END EARLY

Hearts were broken over the weekend: both underdog New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies‘ seasons came to an end. The ne’er-do-wells finally had that season that could end their championship droughts; the Yankees since 2009 and the Phillies since, oh boy, 2008.

A-Rod.... will his suffering end?

The Cinderellas managed to get to the playoffs with only 196,854,630 and 172,976,381, respectively; only 90 and 70 million more than 20 other teams. Can’t run on magic forever.

Yankees lost on a dramatic 9th inning strikeout to Alex Rodriguez, who struggled to only make more than the Marlins roster this year.* The Phillies ended with a torn ACL to perennial 40-homer, $20 million dollar man Ryan Howard.

Hopefully, with some generous ownership and a craving fan base, the brass of both teams will do everything they can to finally put the beleaguered franchises over the top!

I totally can touch my toes... AH! MY ACL! MY ACL!

*Even the Royals roster made more money than A-Rod. 

– Mike Sweeney

PENCE BREAKS RECORD: CONSECUTIVE GAMES WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING HIS DIMPLES

Phillies rightfielder Hunter Pence broke a long standing record last night: the most consecutive games without anyone commenting on his dimples. He was so effective this season teammates only noticed after gathering to congratulate Pence on last night’s homer, when they suddenly realized they hadn’t sufficiently teased him about his dimples.

Seriously, how have we not talked about this? His .313 batting average is only outweighed by his .333 dimple average.*  Pence’s dimples could legitimately double as a mitt as well as the third base dugout. I mean they put him outfield and you still get distracted from home plate. I could probably take a nap in one of those suckers. Remember when he hurt his knee? ME NEITHER.

– Karin Graham

*The Stats .360% guys are on it!

VICTORINO BEFRIENDS BEAT REPORTER

After last night’s victory over the Reds, Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino was thrown a few softball questions by new Philadelphia Inquirer beat reporter James Beatty.  Highlights included inquiries about his slightly altered approach at the plate against lefties and whether a new vegan diet may put a spring in his step.

No you say first, you say first! Okay... 1, 2, 3... MATT DAMON! Yes that's who I was thinking!

The interview really got going when Victorino turned it on Beatty, asking if he was wearing an Omega Seamaster 300M.  Beatty replied that he, in fact, was wearing the very same watch.  Victorino then gushed how he loved the contours of the timepiece, and that he thought it would look really good on him.  Beatty agreed, and made Victorino aware of a promotion that Tourneau was running on all Omega wristclocks this week.  Victorino, with a readily apparent decisiveness, decided that he just had to go there tomorrow and pick up one for himself before coming to the ballpark.  He just had to.  Beatty then ended the conversation by saying that he would not regret that decision, and that he would see Victorino after tomorrow’s game.  They shook hands, and parted ways.

No word on what color Victorino is planning to buy his modern sundial in.  His options are cerulean blue, a dark magenta, and emerald green.

– Chris Bacarella

CLIFF LEE UNVEILS ‘SUCK IT’ PITCH

"Dear batter, you may leave now if you like, your friend Cliff"

Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee is on a roll. The southpaw has been on a four year hot streak, but this past month he’s been good even for him thanks to his new ‘suck it’ pitch. The pitch, a combination of a cutter, curveball, change-up and harnessed “betterness,” has rendered NL hitters useless against him.

Many scouts believe the pitch is merely a slower version of the cutter; but Nationals first baseman Mike Morse swears he’s seen the ‘suck it:’ “It was amazing. It came at me, started moving into the zone and just as I was going to swing… it flipped me off and dove to the dirt.” Morse was visibly shaken describing the scene and assured many times over that “it literally flipped me off. It grew a hand and extended its middle finger in a mocking fashion.”

Lee claims he’s worked on the pitch since high school. “It’s always something I’ve had in my back pocket but didn’t want to use it until the time was right.”

Detractors cite the media’s love affair with Daisuke Matsuzaka’s ‘gyroball‘ which unfortunately turned out to be five years of nibbling at the corners.

– Mike Sweeney