TORONTO BLUE JAYS PLAN ON BEING OKAY FOR YEARS TO COME

The 23-19 Toronto Blue Jays continue their excellent streak of decent play in 2012, a streak they have maintained since 2005.  The proud Canadian mediocrity holds the streak dear to their hearts.  “Being meh is something we’re extremely proud of,” said general manager Alex Anthopoulos.  “We want it to continue.”

“Could’ve been better but you did your best!”

Numerous Blue Jays greats visited their Spring Training practice facility to remind the guys to do their “enough-est” but not to get hurt, but if you make it halfway through what was going to be an amazing season.

The Blue Jays are here to stay right in the middle.  Look out American League.

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IDIOT FAN CONVINCED ORIOLES HAVE A SHOT THIS YEAR

The Luchidor in question

Some Idiot Fan in Baltimore is convinced the Orioles, 6-4 and leading the AL East, have a shot to win it all this year.  This moron does not care that it is only 10 games, he will not relent: “If their pitching can just hold it together they’ll be fine,” says the fucking retard.  “Adam Jones and Wieters are good for 30 homers a piece, and Markakis is definitely going to put it together.”

The fan would not listen to any sports analysts, his friends or common logic when discussing the squad.  “The Sox got all this drama, Yanks are old, Rays just don’t scare me…” When reminded of the Blue Jays, a team many think could win another division outside the AL East, this dipshit said he was not convinced.

He then tried to get the wave going amongst his fellow fans, all of whom were actually rooting for the visiting Tigers.

Stupid motherfucker is also psyched for the Redskins.

The fan section

BOSTON BANS BEER ON GAME DAYS

The Red Sox during an off day. Losing games. Typical.

The city of Boston* has banned alcohol on all Boston Red Sox game days.  Last year the Sox went 7-20 in September solely because pitchers were drinking beer and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse.  Fried chicken, by the way, has been banned forever in Boston.  Actually, many are moving to other states, purchasing their chicken and dumping it into the sea.

*Meaning Boston, Cambridge, Quincy, Framingham, Waltham, Newton, Peabody, Lowell and Rhode Island. 

How is the ban going to affect the city?  Die hard Sawx fans and Boston Globe writers couldn’t be happier: “this is a great day for all Sawx fans,” says sports writer Dan Shaughnessy.  “The only way we could move past this unforgivable event was to eliminate beer, chicken, Theo Epstein, and all responsible!  The horrific things that forced our team to lose are expelled from the land!”

Local alcoholics are enraged but understand.  “It’s good for the team,” says drunk bastard Eli McSloughsenirish.  “Sure I’ll be lying in a pool of my own sweat begging for the sweet taste of booze, but if my death helps the Red Sox win and validates the Boston Globe, I’ll gladly do it.”

Josh Beckett recently gave up 6 runs in a spring training game, leading many to believe somewhere someone was drinking.  Whoever it was WE WILL FIND YOU!

2004, 2007 WORLD SERIES CHAMPION RED SOX STILL CURSED

BAMBINO!!!!!

Fine... I was the one who farted....

The curse is alive and well for the 2004, 2007 World Series winning Boston Red Sox. After last night’s late inning collapse to Orioles, coinciding with the Rays stunning comeback against the Yankees, the recent two time, clearly cursed champions are out of the playoff race. It. Doesn’t. Get. Worse.

(Unless you’re a Cubs, Indians, Astros, Padres, Orioles, Blue Jays, Nationals and Pirates fan)

CHOKAHS!! All of them! Will it ever end for sports’ second-winningest team of the decade /favorite losers? Every year they wallow in misery!* How can it get worse?** Hopefully Bill Simmons and Dan Shaughnessy can talk us off the ledge. Life (2004) is clearly not (and 2007) worth living.

– Mike Sweeney

*Except 2004

**Except 2007

Related: 2011 Red Sox challenge 1927 Yanks as Greatest Team Ever.