In an official ruling by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the term “special teams” has been deemed offensive and will no longer be used. “For too long we have used derogatory language to describe our nation’s punters, kickers, returners and long snappers,” proclaimed Goodell. “Not to mention the horde of backup lineman and linebackers.” The term describes the transitional plays during football such as punt, kickoff and return plays. Former Seahawks longsnapper Matt Overton, and tricksnap aficionado, said “in 2007 I refused to move to the back of the bus with the rest of the special teams. We had our own lockers, our own water bottles, our own towels… We were second class citizens and we said ‘no more!'”

This man is a pro

This is a great triumph for those who’ve long felt disheartened by the treatment of these players. “We’re like a powerplay team in hockey, or playing man-up in basketball,” yelled Chicago Bears return legend Devin Hester, “not some bastard child field goal and units and backup players!” Even Patriots coach Bill Belechik admitted he was thrilled, as he repeatedly has used many starting players on special teams in order to “make it less retarded.”

For those who do not think special teams matter, the 2010 Chargers went 9-7 despite a league leading offense and defense; their special teams was so retarded they still missed the playoffs. Potential name changes include: TACTICAL POSITIONS; TRANSITIONAL GAMESMAN; ESSENTIAL RESERVE DEPLOYMENT; FUN TIME FAST GUYS


– Mike Sweeney

For more exciting special teams news, see longsnapper.com.


"After every touchdown I find a handicapped person in the audience and throw the ball at their stupid face! GO CHARGERS!"

During a recent interview Chargers running back Ryan Mathews seemed very optimistic about making the squad but began to shiver when asked about fellow running back Mike Tolbert.  Mathews was quoted as saying that Tolbert is a “good running back, a better one than I’ll ever be. You can print that…. know what you should print that.” Mathews then began to sweat profusely and demand that no further questions be asked in regards to Tolbert and immediately ran off because “he left the kettle on.”  Tolbert was supposedly interviewing simultaneously and stopped his interview when Mathews fled, leaving this reporter to wonder if there was more going on behind the scenes.

When asked if there’s something going on between him and Mathews, Tolbert claimed that it was “nothing to worry about” and that he “ate all of Ryan Mathews’s kids.”  When pressed further, Tolbert said he was “probably going to eat Ryan Mathews pretty soon” and “kind of hungry” while rubbing his belly.  He then proclaimed that Mathews should “get out of my way you dumb-ass, I’m going to go eat Ryan Mathews with a healthy side of barbecue sauce” and “don’t make me eat you, too.”  Norv Turner could not be reached for comment.

– Phil Silberman