GREAT MOMENTS IN KAAAAAAHN: KAHN STUDIES KAZAAM AS GAME TAPE

Timberwolves infamous GM David Kahn recently reviewed the 1996 film KAZAAM as game tape for the team’s upcoming match ups.  The T-Wolves are having a rejuvenating year for the franchise with the emergence of point guard Ricky Rubio and the unconventional contract extension to all-star Kevin Love, but Kahn wants every advantage he can get.

“The game itself is won on the court,” professed Kahn.  “But also in the mind.  Basketball is Inception.  You have to win in the real world, then the first layer, then the weird second layer where the rooms move, that’s my favorite layer, then the third layer, then limbo.”

When reminded he was watching Kazaam, the critically torched film starring Shaquille O’Neal as a genie who befriends a young boy, Kahn insisted they were “basically the same movie.”

What up kiiiiid?

The following lessons will be incorporated onto the team’s game plan:

– Friendship makes champions

– If you love a tall black man, set him free, if he comes back, then he loves you / needs a place to crash

– The Triangle offense is not working

– Finding out who you are and where you come from are not necessarily the same thing

– Don’t pirate music (yup, rewatch the movie if you don’t believe me)

T-Wolves players and staff were visibly confused not only how to incorporate those bullet points into coherent schemes on the court, but also why Kahn demanded they all have said meeting in the steam room wearing three piece suits.

David Kahn builds the legend.

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KOBE DEMANDS TRADE FOR MORE KOBES

Lakers guard Kobe Bryant demanded the Lakers trade for more Kobes this season.  “I’m only one man, one Kobe,” said the irritable guard.  “You think one Kobe can win the Western Conference?  Of course he can.  Canone Kobe win a championship?  Of course he can.  He already won five.  But imagine two Kobes.  Now three?  They could win a championship in space.  Space!”

Kobe has long sought to have more space championships than longtime rival and current TNT analysts Shaquille O’Neal.

Los Angeles is in a troubling position: seeking out more available Kobes would require quite the coup and possibly gutting their current team.  “I’m ready to scour the globe for more Kobes,” added Bryant.  “I know there’s another out there.  And if he is, I could beat him.  What? You think because I want more Kobes I ain’t good enough? More Kobes makes this team go from great to greater. I’m still Kobe Bryant, not some Kobe Bryant.  I could beat any Kobe.”

Kobe immediately ran on to the court and took seventy eight shots.

SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney

LOCKOUT: KEEP SHAQ OFF TV

OMG is she eating a chili dog yum yum yay!

The 50-50 revenue split is still up in the air, but This Is The Sports has learned of another lockout hold up: both sides are stretching the lockout to keep retired, future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal off of television. The Shaqtus signed a TV contract with TNT to be apart of the same crew as Kenny Smith and Charles Barkely; the players are saying “no thanks.” The owners, however, are not happy with the current model of Smith and Barkely coverage. Supporters claim the owners want to even the commentary, while detractors say NBA commissioner David Stern is merely trying to put his stamp on the pre and post game stupidity.

Barkely, the king of the current booth, is absolutely upset at The Diesel’s arrival. His rant on the subject was inaudible, unfortunately. The Big Shamrock responded to Barkely’s comments… also inaudible. But the mumbling was disgruntled…. or sarcastically disgruntled. I think.

Both were used as examples why Barkely and Shaqovic cannot be apart of the pre and post game discussions. However, both Charles and The Big Aristotle broke into a 12 minute discussion of the McRib sandwich which was absolutely hysterical.

The lockout continues to twist and turn.

Now imagine if Shaq Fu was sitting next to Kenny. Shutter….

– Mike Sweeney