PARALYZED, BRAIN DAMAGED STAR THINKS TODAY’S PLAYERS ARE WUSSES

Paralyzed, brain damaged former NFL star Byron Jones thinks today’s players are wusses.  After hearing about Sidney Crosby‘s continued absence from the Pneguins lineup, Twins first baseman Justin Morneau still suffering from concussion symptoms nearly two years after the event and the NFL eliminating two-a-day practices in accordance with the new collective bargaining agreement, Jones thinks sports have gone soft. “Nom nom men hit nommynom,” mumbled and slurred Jones through his feeding tube. “In our day we… I think… WHO ARE YOU?”

Multiple analysts agree: “players are not tough like they used to be,” said 180 pound 50 year old Skip Bayless.  “Players should never think about their future, their lives.  How can they keep their head in the game when they are worried about ‘life after the game?’  Bradshaw never worried about what a mockery and laughingstock he’d be years after his playing days.”

Indeed.

Thank goodness for guys like Byron Jones.  And thank goodness back in the day medical professionals did not know better than to stand in his glory seeking ways, agents and managers did not remind him of his next contract when they knew Dallas was coming up this week, and coaches and fellow players knew real injuries mean you could not walk.

Thanks to the former players, the greats, the legends who are willing to speak up about players not being as tough as they used to be.  It is always good to know that when some player beats a hallowed record, it is because the entire league is not as good as it once was, so said record is not nearly as impressive.

And thanks to the fans, analysts and armchair quarterbacks of the world for knowing exactly what they would do if they were in that situation.  Without their insight and ability to fairly judge their own actions in situations they may never be in, we would never be able to find out who is a quitter, a faker, a wuss, a complainer and a goat.  If we can learn one thing from Byron Jones’ nomming, it is nothing ever bad happens to heroes running full speed, head first into 250 behemoths for our entertainment.

If it did then Skip Bayless would just be talking nonsense.

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MY BRAIN HURTS WITH DR. HELMET I

Dr. Helmet is This Is The Sports resident doctor on staff.  Dr. Helmet graduated Harvard medical school at age 14 and was wunderkind throughout his life before a traumatic rugby injury left the poor Doc with 74 concussions.  

football

eli manning got knocked up and down field many time on sunday.  the helmet on his think circle almost flew away!  but he play good, tuffer then brother pey-tun.  pey-tun hurt his neck in surgical boo boo and now may never play again.  does this make eli better than pey-tun?  some say yes, but trust a man with 74 concussions, no, it absolutely does not and that is the dumbest comparison ever.

Something's wrong.... SOMETHING'S WRONG!

ray lewis say he not retire. good. nfl needs ray lewis tackling on football field not random people in grocery stores. baltimore grocery stores are dangerous enuff.

hockey

why won’t sidney crosby brain work?  it broked so long ago that it should be better.  perhaps he should go to germany like kobe system to get that experimental surgery where they take blood from wolverine of the x-men and give it to athletes to make them heal better.

hugh jackman continues to save lives.

basketball

bucks center andrew bogut is out idnefinitely.  but we need to know when exactly.  how?  we send in a specialist mystery solver.  who?  sherlock holmes.  but which one?  benedict cuberbatch’s british sly master or robert downey jr.s awesome slow motion blow-em-upster.  both?  yes.  both.

baseball

tigers signs sir prince fielder because v-mart tore his vhs in freak accident.  too bad for v-mart, not he may have to be traded if tigers want miguel cabrera to dh.  he is only two haphazard drinking bnges away from 300 pounds.

Bow before the Over-Human